


Like A Cheesecake, Part I: Make Love Your Goal

by ClioSelene



Series: Cheesecake Series [1]
Category: La Esperança
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 21:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClioSelene/pseuds/ClioSelene
Summary: Joshua Or and Alain Corail. It's a shame there was no story for them! The name of the first part inspired by Frankie Goes to Hollywood and "The Power of Love".





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After I wrote "Birthday", which is a prologue to this text, I didn't really expect to continue with Joshua and Alain. This story, um, wrote itself. I'll be happy if there are any fans of those two out there. Are they?
> 
> I took liberty of interpreting some facts, changing others and making up the rest. So, if you feel that this story differs from the original "La Esperança" story, you are probably right. Still, I had to do so in order to create this text. I read "La Esperança" both in English and Finnish, and those translations slightly differed, so it's possible that I unwillingly made some mistakes. But, I do hope they don't influence your pleasure of reading.
> 
> I haven't made the titles, they are simply lyrics from various songs. I listed the title and performer at the end of each chapter.
> 
> The below is the translation from the Polish original, so please forgive me any language errors.
> 
> Last and least: please, review. This is the longest story I've ever written, and it's quite hard to me to assess it as a whole. I appreciate all comments. Thank you!

_**Prologue** _

"Robert Jade! What do you need here?"

"Well... you. Joshua, right?"

"You could at least remember the name of a man you want something from!"

"But I remember, don't I?"

"..."

"If you keep frowning like this, no-one will like you. Oh, yes... Just to be sure. It seems you're one of those who... don't like girls?"

"I am. And I make no secret of it!"

"I would never imply-"

"But, let's make it clear, you are not my type!"

"Sure, sure... Why? I like the green-eyed myself..."

"Wha– How–? It's none of your business! What do you want?"

"You're so cute when you blush. What was it, again...?"

"Spit it out and get lost right away."

"How should I put it... I'm in need of a man-to-man talk with you."

"Two older brothers isn't enough?"

"You see, Joshua, I'd rather not have them in this conversation, contrary to you. You seem to know. I need your guidance."

"You flatten me. But how exactly am I going to profit from it? I'm a very busy man, you know. Studying and all."

"Yeah, especially that all... Maybe I'll start with telling you I've never ever seen Alain dating a girl?"

"..."

"And I'll add that we've been pals since grade school."

"..."

"I think I still remember quite a lot from that time."

"..."

"..."

"Well. If that's the case, I suppose I can't really decline a man in need. Tonight, at seven, my place. I won't be mad if you bring some photos... from grade school. By the way, what is it that you want to get know?"

"Well, for starters... only theoretically, but in details... what are you going to do to Alain once you get him? Ah, this blush makes you really cute, indeed."

* * *

**1.**   
_**(maailma on sun)** _

After Jade had left, Joshua couldn't calm down for a while.

_Damn you, Robert Jade!_

He had slammed the door right in Jade's face, without any further word, and now he was resting against it. Trying to regain his balance, he was entangling and analysing his emotions.

How one could be so shameless to suspect others... to suspect him of... such things?

He had slammed the door without a word because he had been to surprised to say anything and too angry to do anything else. Now that he thought about it, he should have smacked Jade - straight in the face and having no scruples about it, never caring about the difference in age, height and social rank - only for assuming that Josh...

He felt his heart beat hard. Painful. He hadn't really expected that Robert Jade was able to drive him into such a state in only few minutes. He leaned his head back, and his fingers clutched on the front of his shirt.

True, he had never hidden his orientation, and, in general, he thought of himself as a liberated person - but could it be that others saw him the way Jade did? As if he were some whore or, at least, had shagged half of the guys in the dormitories?

He bowed his head.

It wasn't a pleasant thing. He had always believed he didn't care about what others were thinking about him - especially those whose opinions didn't matter to him at all - but now he realized he didn't like the idea of others having such a twisted image of him.

He banged the door.

He wasn't an angel; he knew it best. But if he had any dreams in his life - oh, he did; quite many, in fact - they were much more romantic than such a boor like Robert Jade could ever imagine. His knowledge of eroticism itself was only theoretical and based on a few publications he had once obtained, and not without some effort. He wasn't an angel. He was a sixteen years old guy who, from time to time - he could admit it - experienced some visions on subjects that surely all sixteen years old guys had. Sometimes - always? - those visions even involved a particular person. And yes, it was Alain Corail, and the very mention of him made Josh's heart speed up. And maybe others _were_ aware of it...

He covered his face with his arm.

It didn't change the fact that nothing gave Robert Jade the right to rush here and shout, 'What are you going to do to Alain once you get him?"

Damn you, Robert Jade!

Now he was standing here and trying to calm himself - a futile effort - while the visions of what he was going to do to Alain were flowing before his eyes. In the bright day, just as he was studying for the math test in the next week... Now there was no chance that he focused.

He got from the door and sit down by the desk, staring blankly at the last problem.

No, it had no sense.

He drew the curtains back and opened a window. He used to study with the window curtained - it improved his concentration - but now he decided today's study was probably over. He might as well take a breath of fresh air. And to think a bit.

He rested against the sill and stared in the distance.

Alain Corail.

It was strange.

Until now, he had been falling for men much older than him. The patron, the gym teacher... Respected people with life experience. He hadn't really counted on any reciprocity; it was enough that they had been there, nearby, and that he could always see them again...

With Alain, it was a different matter.

He couldn't tell when it all had started. This school year, probably. They had passed each other enough times that Josh had taken note of that tall boy with big hands. Maybe Alan had appeared mature to him, even though he was only three years older and still a student? It could be this. Undoubtedly, Alain had that air to him: the air of a person who had gone through a lot in his life. Hanging with suspicious individuals, smoking in the corners, he definitely didn't seem a good student of a prestigious school. At first, Josh simply had wanted to have a closer look at him, and thus he hadn't missed any chance to hang with him whenever he had spotted him in the campus. They had talked few times, and from Alain's comments one could draw a conclusion he did distinguish Joshua Or from the rest. It flattered Josh; at least at first it had...

But the more time passed, the more it appeared to Josh that the age difference didn't matter at all, and that out of them both _he_ was more... mature. Alain did seem strong, self-confident and able to control the events, but every now and then the situations occurred - the moments of life - that made Josh certain that, in fact, Alain was confused, broken and lonely. Maybe it was once he had started to see it that he had realized what he felt about Alain...? Jade could insinuate many things, but they were not the most important hopes Josh cherished with regard to Alain. He only wanted to be with him, support him and become his friend. All the rest could be a daydream he could dismiss any time, if needed. Although, it didn't change the fact he would preferably convince Alain of his feelings in a way more... well, physical.

Uhm.

He tried - reluctantly and willingly at the same time - to recall the talk with Jade. His heart, calmed for a moment, beat faster again. He had no reasons to not believe that Jade really knew Alain for a longer while - he had seen them more than once in the corridors or elsewhere, even though their relation didn't seem friendly at all. Never mind. And what more Jade had said? That he had never seen Alain with a girl. Well, it sounded... promising.

He swallowed.

Could it be that Jade suggested that Alain swung the way Josh did? Josh hadn't seen Alain with a girl, either, but he didn't dare to draw such a conclusion. There could be thousand of reasons why Alain wasn't dating a girl. For that matter, he wasn't dating a guy either, so the situation was almost at a point zero...

When Josh had slammed the door, Jade had managed to call, 'See you at seven!' Only a quarter ago, Josh had been sure he had no desire to see Jade ever again, but now he was starting to change his mind. He was under the impression he would clutch at any chance to learn about Alain...

Damn you, Jade!

Jade apparently wasn't that stupid if he knew how to sell Josh on his cause. Speaking of which... What did he need _that_ information for? Could it be that... it was getting serious with, how was his name... Georges Saphir? They couldn't possibly...? Josh felt an unclear twinge he only a moment later identified as an envy. But no, Jade and Saphir didn't interest him in the slightest, and he wasn't going to bother his head about them. He had his own desire...

He felt a hot wave crawling onto his face. He fanned himself with a notebook and then rested his head on the windowsill and wondered whether his life wasn't, after all, _vanitas vanitatum, et omnia vanitas._ *

Something that Jade had said was nagging at him. He tried to focus and recall that comment as clearly as he could... 'What are you going to do to Alain once you get him?' What are you going to do... Well, it was clear. What are you going to do once...

He opened his eyes and sat up, looking at the darker brick of the pale wall far ahead. What he was going to do to Alain once he gets him. What he was going to do to Alain _once_ he gets him. Once.

He blinked.

Robert Jade _assumed_ it was only a matter of time that Josh... yeah, would get Alain. He felt dizzy, and his cheeks were burning. He had no idea where Jade's belief came from, but he wasn't going to puzzle his head over it now. It could mean that... That Jade _must_ have known about Alain's possible preferences. Surely, he wouldn't have said it if he weren't convinced. Would he? Josh's heart was about to jump out of his chest, and he pressed a hand to it, as if trying to stop it.

He sat like this for a moment, trying to gather all his loose thoughts and emotions. The April sun on the blue sky was slowly rolling towards the west.

'Joshua Or,' he told himself finally. 'If someone else believes you can do it, and you don't believe it yourself... Then, is there any chance to succeed?' He patted his head, as if trying to urge his brain to start working and the thought process into the right track.

A gust of wind blew through his desktop calendar, throwing its pages in disarray. For a moment, Josh was staring at the numbers flashing before his eyes and timing the next days and weeks. It was the middle of April now. The school year was ending in two months - and only so much time he had to realize his dreams. He struggled with a feeling he had no chance - it was too little time, only two months, eight weeks, sixty days... Then he shook his head and jumped to his feet.

He never got up, and he didn't plan to start today.

He smiled widely. The spring outside more than ever made him feel he was alive. He leaned out and breathed in fresh air.

"I will get him!" he shouted to the world.

He laughed, not in the slightest concerned about the looks he was given by some younger students who walked under his window.

* * *

 _The world is yours - Tehosekoitin, "Maailma on sun"_  
* Vanity of vanities, and all is vanity.


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**   
_**(beautiful boy, jibun no utsukushisa mada shiranai no)** _

* * *

'Maybe there really are no coincidences in this world,' Josh thought, spotting Alain, who was crossing the yard at a leisurely pace.

"Alain!" he called out, leaning out even more and waving enthusiastically.

He might as well start to execute his plan - or, at least, his goal, as the plan itself didn't exist yet. He couldn't help smiling at the sight of the well-known tall and slender figure, and the warmth of happiness filled him inside.

Alain raised his head and was looking around for a while, somewhat confused. Recently, Alain often seemed in thoughts. He had never been an extrovert, but Josh couldn't not notice that for some time now something had been evidently occupying him. Ah, he would think about it later!

"Here!" he called again, and only then he realized he was making a spectacle, shouting like this from a window. Not that he cared. "Wait!" He called again and got away from the sill.

 _Strike while the iron is hot._ He would make a plan later, and now was the time to take the advantage of the opportunity. He grabbed the jacket and run down the stairs, jumping three steps at a time, to emerge at the sunny yard a minute later. Alain was standing when he'd come to a stop, and Josh tried to calm his racing heart. No chance.

"Joshua..."

'Well, he at least remembers my name,' Josh thought sardonically.

"Hi! I saw you and thought we haven't talk in a while." Surely, it was neutral enough? "You must've been busy..." a suggestion, but a very innocent one, and a quick change of subject to not leave the impression he was imposing himself, "You're going somewhere?"

Alain was looking at him for a moment, and Josh thought that he was probably trying to remember where he was knowing Josh from, ha ha... Alain brushed his hair aside, and something akin to smile stretched his lips. "To have a haircut," he answered in his typical spare tone.

Josh's heart, that he had been trying to calm down for a while now, stopped. To have a haircut? He couldn't imagine Alain with short hair! As long as he knew him, Alain had his hair shoulder length!

"To the hairdresser?" he said only to say anything and collect his thoughts in the meantime. "Me too," he added in a sudden rush of inspiration. "What a coincidence. Maybe we go together?"

Alain gave him another silent look and then nodded. Josh's heart resume its rhythm, and his mind was already analysing the situation. Of course, he had no intention of harming his hair, but he could at least trim the ends. He was too proud of his hair to commit such an evil act like cutting them. He looked at Alain and his hair style. It was no match for his mane, he decided rather critically. Alain's hair was rather thin and straight. In spite of his first reaction, he though he _would_ like to see Alain with shorter hair...

"Joshua...?" something between uncertainty and confusion rang in Alain's voice.

He realized he had been staring at Alain for a longer while. _Moron!_ He turned and made for the gate of the campus.

"I like y-... I mean, you look good in this hairstyle," he said casually, trying to hold back his blush.

"Really?" Alain asked hesitantly, grabbing a strand of his hair and trying to look at it.

"But it's going to be summer soon, so cutting your hair is a good idea," Josh added quickly to support Alain's decision as it seemed to waver.

Unbelievable.

They were walking side by side, and Josh quickly realized that he was the one to keep up the conversation. He sighed inwardly. Alain was lost in his thoughts again, and Josh tried to drive away the feeling the upperclassman didn't seem to be interested in him in the slightest. Well, why should he count on Alain Corail's interest? He had to _arouse_ that interest first... Trying to find a topic he could safely touch - weather? school? - he was surprised when Alain spoke first.

"I was surprised when you called me," Alain said hesitantly, as if he had just remembered, and frowned. "Someone was yelling there..."

Josh gulped; for a pensive person, Alain noticed quite a lot. "Really?" he asked weakly.

"Not you?"

"Sure not..."

He had to be more careful. On the other hand, he didn't plan to exclaim his crazy ideas to the wider audience in the future.

They were walking down the Saint Grollo Avenue. Alain fell silent again, and it didn't bother Josh that much, after all. Every now and then, he was glancing at the upperclassman, but Alain seemed to be oblivious of it. Definitely, his mind was occupied with something. In fact... Since Josh'd started to pay attention to him, Alain'd always seemed preoccupied with something. Sometimes, Josh was under the impression something was eating away at Alain inside, absorbing all his attention and never leaving him be. Withdrawn, he didn't share his problems with anyone, keeping everything to himself - emotions, feelings, reactions. Only sometimes, rarely, his face twisted with anger or pain, or something else. Those times, his green eyes were burning with some wild glare, and he seemed a man capable of anything. As if he had been done some wrong and couldn't accept it. Well, he hadn't become a delinquent for no reason...

Josh thought he really wished to know more about Alain; at the same time, he asked himself whether hearing it from Robert Jade was the best option. It wasn't, but could he hope that Alain would tell him personally?

'Joshua Or,' he told himself, as he used to, 'where is your determination? You just have to create a situation when he would feel like talking with you.'

'Yeah, and that's the problem: _feel like talking_ ,' his common sense answered. 'It's not that simple, and it doesn't depend on me...'

'With will one can do anything,' decided the affectional part of him.

Sense and sensibility in one - nothing more, nothing less. He shook his head to sober himself.

It didn't change the fact that recently Alain did seem calmer. As if all that anger and suffering - that had been feeling him for so long - had disappeared. Josh couldn't deny he liked this version better - although there was that thought in him that earlier Alain, at least, had showed _some_ emotions... No, if they were bad and painful, all the better they were gone. After all, nothing prevented that he showed those good and pleasant. Josh would take care of it...

Arrgh, he had deviated from the subject again. 'But, what could have caused such a change in Alain? What has recently happened?' he wondered fervently. The only thing that came to his mind was that damn Robert Jade, who seemed to butt into Josh's every business. It had been in winter, when Jade'd been making a fuss about Alain's phone number in the dorms. Somewhat angered, Josh realized he should've taken more interest in the whole story, especially that it'd concerned Alain; now he could only guess. So, Robert Jade... and Georges Saphir. Alain had disappeared somewhere, together with Georges, and Jade had been looking for them...

Goddammit!

"He can't be in love with Georges Saphir!"

Only after a while he realized he'd said it aloud. Alain was looking at him in surprise, and Josh tried to make up some excuse.

"What did you say about Georges Saphir?" Alain asked.

"That Robert Jade can't wait for his return," Josh blurted out.

Alain gave him a look that could be called penetrating this time, but didn't say more. 'It seems that in our relationship _I_ will be the one to speak for us two,' Josh thought nearly hysterically, trying to focus. If their relationship had any future, that was. And, for now, he was mostly talking out of the back of his head...

No, really. How could he be so stupid? Alain _did_ show some strange interest in Georges Saphir. Josh hadn't paid attention to it, but now he remembered he'd once seen them together in the campus, and he'd even run across Saphir several times, while Saphir'd appeared to be quite agitated apropos Alain. Very suspicious. In any case, Jade'd been furious when Alain and Georges had disappeared - eloped? - together. And Josh didn't even know if _he_ should be furious, too. Complicated.

Still, at the moment Saphir and Jade were a main couple of Saint Grollo; Jade had given him to understand it. Besides, Saphir was currently living elsewhere, so... Or, could it be - Josh's mind offered another scenario - that Alain's bad mood had resulted from his unrequited (for all his imagination, Josh couldn't even assume Saphir to be interested in someone like Alain; although, right, he _did_ have some penchant for delinquents, hmmmm...) love for Saphir, and once Saphir had left, Alain had regained his calm? But it sounded far-fetched even for him.

Still, he couldn't resist the impression that Georges Saphir had something to do with what had been occupying Alain for so long. Definitely, he had to ask Jade about it, in the first instance, otherwise he wouldn't know anything.

He realized Alain had stopped. He broke out of his reverie and turned around. They were standing in front of the hairdresser's; he hadn't noticed they were already here. Alain was staring at the sign and appeared to be hesitating. Oh no. One should uphold their decisions.

Josh grasped Alain's sleeve and pulled the upperclassman inside. "Let's get it over with," he called enthusiastically.

Only after a while he realized Alain didn't resist. It filled him with some joy and some other funny feeling.

Maybe they had some chance to be happy, after all.

* * *

Josh simply didn't have enough of it.

His hair were taken care of in an instant, and he spent the rest of time watching the hairdresser bringing out entirely new Alain Corail. The scissors reflected light as the long strands of brown hair kept falling on the floor. Alain didn't even blink, staring at his mirror reflection. Slowly, his neck emerged, much more slender one could've expected, and then extremely beautiful ears Josh couldn't take his eyes off. In the end, the hairdresser took care of Alain's fringe, shortening it to a decent length and leaving the eyes safely out of its range. Once he finished, Josh was completely in love with Alain's new image already.

"It looks good on you," he said once they went out to the sunlight again.

Alain gave him a shy smile that made Josh feel dizzy, and rubbed his neck, as if embarrassed. He had yet to get used to that sudden feeling of lightness on his head and bared neck. On his part, Josh was glad fate had brought him here today; had he met Alain in his new image, say, in dorms, it would have ended very dramatically.

He realized he was gaping again. Alain looked more sheepish than usual - probably because of his shortened fringe he couldn't hide behind any more. Gosh, he really had beautiful eyes...

Josh turned around abruptly and swallowed. "Maybe... why don't we go to the patisserie? I've heard they opened one recently. That one?" he pointed randomly at the place. The sign was saying: _Shelly_.

"That one? I think it's been there forever..."

"A-ha... Ha-ha. Can be. I don't visit the city that often. Well, let's go." He was really lucky. Alain's tendency to stay in his own world could be Josh's last resort in situations he made a fool of himself. Which, today, had happened three times already. Not that he cared for such trifles, but he really had to stop acting like an idiot.

Alain nodded, and Josh suppressed the shout of triumph. Going together to the patisserie didn't exactly count as a date, but something quite near. 'You're quick, Josh,' he congratulated himself, trying to calm down the butterflies in his stomach.

'On the other hand,' he couldn't stopped his mind from analysing the situation, 'at this rate I'll turn his head completely in no time.' So far, Alain seemed to submit to anything Josh proposed to him. (He drove away the thought of what else could he propose to Alain since it didn't help to concentrate.) Or, maybe Alain didn't have anything else to do, and thus he agreed to Josh's company? As he would have agreed to anyone's company... Such thought was somewhat bitter - after all, Josh wanted to be someone special to Alain. However, he decided to focus on positive things. 'He isn't rejecting me, and this is a first step,' he thought optimistically.

The patisserie was crowded - mostly with couples, enticed by the spring - but they managed to find a table for themselves. Alain took a coffee, while Josh a tea and a piece of cheesecake. He loved cheesecake. Tucking it in - and having an everlasting and unsettled debate on which was better: the icing or the crust - he was looking at Alain, who was sitting in his chair, silent. He probably hadn't even noticed the surroundings, while Josh was more than aware of all those boys and girls who, here and there, professed their feelings in a way mostly non-verbal. Alain's gaze was fixed on something invisible, and Josh might as well not be there... Still, he _had_ come here, hadn't he?

"The coffee... Is it good?" Josh asked to start the conversation.

Alain's eyes focused on him. In the shadow filling the patisserie the greenness of his eyes seemed even deeper. Josh gulped and took his cup of Earl Grey to hid his confusion.

"Good," Alain answered after a moment.

"Maybe next time I'll take it, too," Josh decided, wondering what he should do in order that the next time involved Alain, too.

He almost choked on his tea. Definitely, he _had_ to calm down. He could be in love with Alain, but he really should control himself better. He wasn't a kid who let feelings influence his behaviour. 'Be serious, Joshua Or,' he reproached himself.

But he really couldn't help it. Alain was sitting there and was absolutely sexy in his new haircut, holding a cup of coffee in his big hands. And he had no idea of the impression he was making on Josh. What a cruel fate...

Josh looked away since it didn't befit to stare like this. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him: did Alain know about his preference? He frowned. He hadn't really hidden it, and the matter was generally known in dorms - but did _Alain_ know? If he knew, and still agreed to accompany him here... Josh's heart leapt in his chest before his sense forced it to return to its place.

Taking into account Alain's pensiveness, the man could remain oblivious to any rumours. He seemed so deep in his thoughts he didn't pay attention to his surroundings. He didn't care for things that didn't concern him, so it was possible he really didn't knew. Josh wondered whether he should feel relieved or not.

And, given he did knew and come here with a goal on him mind - _oh, my foolish heart and ever more foolish imaginary_ \- he didn't seem to do anything that could get him closer to that goal. Josh didn't really intend to help him, although he started to presume that 'pushing' Alain could be the only right way to achieve something.

"Before... you mentioned Georges Saphir," Alain's voice broke Josh's meditation. He hadn't expected Alain to start talking.

"Yeah... I did."

Alain clearly had something in mind, yet he was hesitating. "What do you know about Georges?" he asked finally.

Josh shuddered, although he was surprised that Alain suddenly brought up the matter he himself had been puzzling his head over only a little while ago. "Sometimes I see him at school. Or, rather, I used to see him - since he's off now."

Alain nodded and sank into his thought again, but his eyes remained focused. He was present, here and now.

"And you..." Josh started cautiously. "What is Georges Saphir... to you?" he asked, preparing inwardly to have his heart broken. As the opportunity to have his doubts dispelled occurred, he should grasp it, even if it could as well make him suffer. After all, he _had_ promised himself to get Alain.

Alain ran his fingers across his face, in a habit of brushing his hair aside. Josh clenched his fists. 'Please, say it!" he wanted to call out.

"Georges Saphir is a little brother of my sister."

Josh blinked.

Huh?

"What?"

Alain frowned, as if impatient. "Georges is-"

"Georges Saphir is your brother?"

"Wha... I haven't said-"

"Then how? He is your sister's brother?"

"It's not like this..."

It seemed to Josh that Alain blushed, and suddenly he feared Alain would say no more. "Please... Explain it so that I understand," he rushed to say, in an apologetic voice.

Alain fixed his eyes on the table and was silent for a moment. "Grace was my step-sister," he said quietly. "Georges is her brother."

"And how is Robert Jade related to it?" Josh asked before he even thought.

Now Alain blinked, and then he knitted his brows. "Robert? Grace used to spend time in the Onyxs' place."

 _All big family,_ Josh thought ironically, refraining from rolling his eyes. Too much revelations for only one day.

"But I never thought it this way... That Georges could be my brother..." Alain spoke, somewhat confused.

"Well, he almost is," Josh decided to strengthen Alain in this conviction, only now realizing how relieved he was at that confession.

"I found it out only recently," Alain added as if he was excusing himself.

Josh nodded and sipped his tea. Everything started to fall in its place. So, Alain had been in love with Georges, but recently he had learned that Georges was almost his brother, which caused a change in his attitude and behaviour? The very assumption was an act of courage on Josh's part... but it still seemed unlikely. Maybe Jade could cast some light on it, after all.

"I didn't knew you have a sister," he said to sustain their talk. 'I know nothing about you,' he thought with some dismay.

"She died some years ago," Alain replied in a low voice.

Josh put his cup away. "I'm sorry."

Alain shook his head. "It happened and can't be undone," he said in a very decisive way and drunk his coffee.

Josh returned to his tea. "How long have you known each other with Robert?" he asked although he didn't really feel like speaking of the bloke.

"Since the junior school," Alain answered.

Josh's heart leapt again. It seemed Jade spoke the truth... then, he really was a good source of information about Alain. Definitely, Josh had to use it. "You don't seem very friendly to each other..." he said cautiously, ready to withdraw any moment.

Alain waved his hand, his eyes fixed on some distant point again. "It's a past now," he said, frowning.

Right, Josh hadn't seen them recently, although it could be a coincidence. After all, he wasn't stalking Alain day and night. "Something happened between you," Josh guessed, still testing the waters.

Alain's gaze focused on him, as if the man had just seen him. At the same moment, the bell of the church tower struck six times. "I have to go," Alain said and got up, while Josh cursed himself.

He rose too. "We're going back together?" he asked with hope.

"I have an errand," Alain replied, lowering his eyes again.

"I see," Josh said, hiding his disappointment. "Thanks for today. It was nice to talk."

Alain only shook his head, thoughtful again. They left the patisserie.

"See you!" Josh called and headed toward the campus. He didn't want to be the one watching the beloved person leave; of course, Alain couldn't think that way.

Alain lifted his hand, and this warmed Josh's heart a bit, even though he was under the impression he was going to be forgotten the very moment he disappeared from Alain's sight... Turning the corner, he glanced over his shoulder. In a distance, he could spot a tall figure making his way towards the cathedral.

He shoved his hands in the pocket and slowed down. His thought flew back to what had just happened. He tried to come to some conclusions... but it was probably too early for that. He smiled. He was happy he could spend some time with Alain. Alain hadn't given him much attention - if any - but he _had_ agreed for Josh's company. If he hadn't felt like this, he would've said "no", and that would've been it. Just like he'd wriggled out of the longer talk; Josh was strangely sure that "an errand" was a hastily made up excuse to avoid the conversation he hadn't wanted. It could be that Alain was one of those people who closed up at a slightest interference in their privacy. Josh couldn't say he didn't understand it. He had to be careful. He had to _tame_ Alain; made Alain open up to him.

He felt butterflies in his stomach again. Now _he_ would look for excuses to see Alain more often. It was high time to make a Grand Plan. He would ask Jade about some things and trust his own inventiveness in others.

 _But what damn sexy ears he has..._ Josh covered his face with a hand, trying to suppress dizziness and focus on something. Ears, ears... Phone... Right, Alain had a phone. And Josh had his number. He took a deep breath and remembered how he'd got it in the first place. Huh, it was almost funny, and definitely miraculous. The met in the corridor, Alain holding a phone Josh had never seen him with before, so it had to be a new thing. He asked Alain if he could have his number... and Alain had told him, just like that. There was no deeper meaning to it, and Josh hadn't even realized what he'd gained then. Not that he'd ever used it, but still...

For a moment, he struggled against an obtrusive thought that he could buy a mobile phone himself and send Alain text messages. _What a fall, Joshua Or!_ he reproached himself.

And that very number he had almost sold for Robert Jade's kiss, of all people! The very memory made him feel faint. What had gotten into him? Robert Jade? Josh must've had a really bad day. He had been joking - of course he had - but he was flustered by the very fact that, when talking with Jade, he had used the word "kiss" in relation to them two. He had to get it straightened out. The sooner the better! He _had_ said Jade he wasn't his type, but it was be better to be on the safe side. The thought they were going to meet in half an hour didn't raise his spirits, but sometimes one had to do things one didn't feel like doing.

In order to later be able to do those one desired.

* * *

 _Beautiful boy, you still don't know your own beauty_ _\- Hikaru Utada, "Beautiful world"_


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**   
_**(I miss you so while you're gone)** _

* * *

Robert Jade knocked at his door two minutes to seven. Josh sighed at such zealousness, but he told himself he would be sooner done with it. He let Jade in, glancing at the corridor before he closed the door.

"You know people may start gossiping about you?" he said evilly.

"Never cared for gossiping," Jade replied in a flippant way, taking a seat Josh showed him.

Josh was standing in the centre of the room and looking at him, brows knitted. "First, I want to stress again that... That time, in December, I was joking," he said in a decisive voice.

"Joking with what?" Jade asked in a tone indicating he didn't care in the slightest.

"With exchanging the information for your kiss!" Josh reminded him, bristling.

"Ah... That," Jade waved his hand in a non-committal way. "I forgot long ago."

"Well, that's good," Josh decided, although he wasn't sure whether he felt relieved or insulted.

What an annoying man, that Robert Jade.

He turned the chair from the desk and sat down, facing Jade, unsure about how to start the talk. Still, he wasn't going to spend the whole evening with Jade, so it would do to get rid of him quickly. "It seems you seek for my 'guidance'", he said straight away. "I really don't know how you got the idea that I'm more experienced than you. I can't say it doesn't flatter me, but think about it: I'm two years younger. What you said earlier sounded as if you think I've shagged half of the people in the dorms."

Jade seemed visibly disconcerted. "Damn it, I didn't mean... I didn't want... It was... a joke," he tried to explain.

Josh was still giving him a stern look, but he accepted the apology with some relief. "I see. A joke for a joke. Fair enough," he said compromisingly.

"You just... seem to know... about it. While I have just..."

"You have just realized you're interested in men?" Josh suggested in somewhat kind voice, yet straight as he used to.

Jade swallowed and then nodded. "Although that 'men' is a bit too much..." he added after a while, clearly fighting the urge to say more.

"Okay, you're interested in Georges Saphir," Josh settled. Jade kept silent, but his eyes flickered. "And you want to know what you can do to him?"

Jade nodded again, and it seemed to Josh a blush was colouring his cheeks. Well, Josh had managed to repel his arrogance in no time, and this was something he could congratulate himself on. Maybe there was a chance that they had this conversation in a... well, if not friendly, then at least civilized atmosphere?

"How far have you got?" he asked the next question.

Jade seemed abashed again. Damn him, was he going to mince now? No, no. Not with Josh, who intended to learn whether he had any reasons to be jealous of Saphir with regard to Alain. Who would have thought that Jade, so eloquent in most situations, turned dumb when it came to more intimate matters.

Well, maybe it wasn't _that_ strange.

"How can I help you if I don't know what you've done already?" he asked.

"Shall I punch you?"

"That way you probably won't learn much," Josh pointed out. "Be a man, Jade! It's not that I'm interested in your relationship. Not at all!" It was a truth.

Jade was silent for a moment and only looked at him, his eyes more and more round. "We..." he started and paused. The he swallowed again. "We kissed..." he uttered. "And... touched."

Josh nodded, pushing away the thought he hadn't done even that much. What a cruel fate... But he intended; that was the reason he was sitting here with Robert Jade, even though he didn't really feel like that.

"Forgive me that I ask so directly about the details, but... how many times?"

"Three days and three nights," Jade answered, relaxing a bit.

_Lucky devil._

"Then, you've had your first time, if I'm correct?"

"Seven times," Jade qualified, more confident.

 _It's seven times more than I._ Josh clenched his teeth. _Git._

"I take it you were doing it to each other?" he decided not to go easy on the bloke. Jade blushed, and then he nodded, speechless again. "Good, that's where it all starts," Josh said in a tone of an expert.

"You haven't told me anything new so far," Jade pointed out.

Josh wondered whether Jade would leave with a bang the very moment he realized Josh's experience was a round zero. That case Josh's source of information on Alain would disappeared, so it was necessary to strengthen Jade in belief he could learn something here.

"Easy. No need to rush things. For all I know, Georges is out of Idealo."

"He's going to come for Easter," Jade whispered.

Not even two weeks. Then, he indeed had a reason to hurry... Josh suppressed a sigh. He would be a happy man to get his first kiss, at least, before the school year ended. Which was in two months. He forced himself to the present and sat straight.

"The most important thing is to get known each other. Your bodies, I mean." Jade nodded; he was listening carefully. "Three days and three nights sounds nice..." _Damn it!_ "The touch is the most important since it provides with both pleasure and information." Jade was still nodding, which made him look like a parrot. "Hands, fingers... it's a basic. Did you try with lips?" Jade stopped nodding, his eyes like those of an owl, for a change. "It's completely safe, yet it creates a totally different sensation. You may kiss whatever you want. And, of course, don't forget about the tongue."

Jade's gaze lost its focus. No doubt, he was imagining what he could do to Saphir with use of the tongue. Bastard. Then he swallowed twice and looked at Josh as if he saw him for a first time.

"Tongue," he repeated, quite distracted, and Josh was under the impression it was the only thing Jade remembered. Well, he had once heard someone wise say it was good if one remembered at least one thing from the lesson. With tongue, Jade and Saphir could go quite far.

Josh rose and approached the bookshelf. He took down a thin book in a grey cover. He held it for a while before returning to his place.

"Keep a close eye on it and return next time," he commanded, giving it to the man in need. He knew all the ins and outs of it, but he wouldn't want to part with it. "You will learn what you can use your tongue for, if the imagination lets you down. Oh, don't worry; I'm not going to quiz you on it."

Jade kept looking at him and the book alternately, clearly speechless. Finally, he took it and nodded again. He didn't seem that interested in its content, more terrified by it. Well, to be frank, Josh himself hadn't been all that calm when he'd got it in his hands.

"Guard it," he repeated, and there was too much begging in his voice, but it really meant a lot to him.

Jade appeared to be hesitating whether he should open it, but apparently decided to put it off until later. "And? Is that all?" he asked, his voice ringing with both relief and disappointment.

"Of course not. It's only the beginning," Josh corrected him. "But you couldn't possibly expect me to reveal all the secrets of male eroticism in just one evening? Besides, you have something to tell me as well." Jade gave him a confused look. "About Alain!" Josh reminded him, barely suppressing his irritation.

Jade took a deep breath and then - unbelievable - smiled, although quite evilly. "How far have you got?" he asked with an evident taunt.

Josh felt like smacking him. "Nowhere, and that's why I agree to ever talk with you!" he blurted out.

"All right, all right. What do you want to know?" Jade asked rather compromisingly.

 _Everything,_ Josh thought, holding back a sigh. "What happened between Alain and Georges Saphir? If I'm correct, you played a part in it as well," he said outright.

He could not notice that Jade got serious. For a while, he played with a book before showing it in the breast pocket. "I don't know if I can-"

"Come on, Jade. I know Georges is... how it was... Alain's step-brother. And that his sister died many years ago. It seems Alain was quite attached to her."

Jade went pale and then lowered his eyes, sitting in silence. Josh didn't feel well at the thought he was prying into other people's affairs. But, damn it, Alain was important to him, and Josh wanted to know him better - to understand him better. Suddenly, he realized he had so far been regarding Alain in rather selfish way: as an object of his affection. He had decided to get him, for he desired him, and never spared a minute to think there was a living person behind his desire, a person who had his feelings and problems, too.

He swallowed. "Listen, Alain matters to me a lot," he said quietly. "You see me as a guy who goes for any nice bloke? Fine, have it your way. But it doesn't change the fact I care for Alain. And I can see something has been gnawing at him last time. I'd like to help him... but he won't tell me anything," he admitted, swallowing again.

Jade gave him that strange look again and then nodded. He didn't look as someone who had _believed_ just like this - Josh himself probably wouldn't have believed in such a sweet talk either - but, rather, _decided_ to believe.

"Alain only recently found out that Georges is his step-sister's brother. Her name was Grace," he said with some difficulty. "We... were friend since being kids. Grace, Alain, my brothers and I." He paused and run one hand through his hair. "For many years, Alain hadn't known about her, but once he found out, he became very attached to her. But Grace died in an accident, and Alain blamed me for it. I can't say he wasn't right," he added in a lower voice and knitted his brows.

It was obvious that talking about it pained him. Josh clenched his fingers on the fabric of his trousers.

"When... when Alain realized," Jade resumed speaking, "there was... something between me and Georges... while I still had no idea of it myself... he tried to destroy it. Or, maybe, he was waiting for me to destroy it? You see, after Grace died, he came to hate me..." he said, looking in a distance. "Don't take me wrong, I didn't blame him; contrary, I understood him. I hated myself even more." He lowered his head and blinked several times. "But it's so easy to speak of love and hate when you're young, throwing the words like absolutes... Take to anything whole-heartedly and believe only one is right. I was sure I had no chance for happiness... And I feared I would hurt Georges, just like I hurt Grace..." He pressed his lips together, then leaned forward and buried his face in his hands.

Josh felt bad. Maybe he wasn't that fond of Robert Jade, but he never wanted to make him suffer. Complicated. "But... after all, you are together?" he suggested shyly.

Jade took a deep breath and straightened in the chair. "I managed to believe, for which I'm grateful to many people, that you can't write your life off when you're still alive. That you have to try and never give up, until the end. We're together with Georges because we could believe in ourselves," he said.

Josh felt the load in his chest got lighter. "But, what about Alain?" ha asked, although he wasn't sure whether he really wished to hear the answer.

"Alain exposed Georges to danger. It was an unfortunate coincidence. During Christmas holiday Georges was in the hospital, you know about it?" Josh nodded. "It was so crazy... Alain was full of remorse after that. I know he was terrified by what he'd almost done. I think he still hasn't got over it. You know how he is: when something bothers him, he struggle for months."

"And he suffers alone," Josh whispered, his stare blank. Then he focused his gaze and looked Jade in the eye. "It seems he let go of all that hatred, but he is still absent," he added. "I bet he's still agonizing over it," he guessed. All of the sudden, he felt a piercing desire to get to Alain's side and try to comfort him, one way or another. Console him. Convey his compassion.

Jade didn't say a word, observing him intently. Then he nodded. "It seems you really understand him," he decided. "If..." he added hesitantly, "If you really can help him... I'll be glad."

Josh's eyes grew wider. He realized the talk had taken an entirely new direction. He shook his head, then got up and approached the window. For a while, he observed the yard, bathed in the evening shadow, and then he turned and came back to his seat. "I'd like to," he said straight. "But I need some tips."

"I thought your intuition would guide you," Jade pointed out, the corner of his lips twitched.

The atmosphere got warmer again. Josh took a deep breath. "You could, for instance, tell me what he likes and dislikes," he suggested.

"How should I know such things?" Jade startled.

"You said you've known each other since the junior school," Josh reminded him.

"Well, yeah, but... Oh, right! He likes basketball," Jade called out happily.

"No, really?" Josh replied ironically. "And he is probably fond of breaking the school rules, as well as having long hair?"

"You're doing well without me," Jade tried to flatter him.

"Bollocks! He cut his hair today!" Josh couldn't refrain himself from saying something Jade didn't know.

"Right, he usually kept it short," Jade wasn't surprised.

Josh felt like gritting his teeth. It seemed he had struck a bad deal. _No, of course not,_ he reproached himself. _You've learned quite much. And maybe you still have a chance..._ His heart started to jump again.

"And... he really never had a girlfriend?" he asked quite shyly, for him.

"Nah. Grace was the only girl in his life."

"And he didn't have a boyfriend either?" Josh made sure although he didn't really feel like.

"Nah. But... you know what? I feel bad saying it 'cause one might think all guys in this school are... you know..."

"Gays," Josh prompted politely.

"Well, yeah... Anyway... How should I put it? It seems Alain simply needs _someone_ to take care of him."

Josh's heart made salto mortale. "He is so... thick," he agreed.

"And not the brightest person in _that_ topic," Jade added. "If you take matters into your own hands, and present him with a fait accompli, I think he would simply accept it."

"Still, it doesn't mean he would let me get him into bed," Josh pointed out with his typical frankness.

"Please, spare me," Jade lifted his hands. "He's my pal. But..." he tilted his head, "I told you. You look to me a person who gets his own way."

Josh was speechless. Jade blinked at him and even smiled, this time genuinely. "I wish you were right," Josh muttered and lowered his eyes.

Jade rose. "When can I show up for more?" he asked, patting at the pocket he'd shoved the book into.

Josh mused. "I should have more free time in the end of the week. Friday? The same time?"

"I'll come," Jade nodded and made for the doors.

"Jade..." Josh stopped him. "Try to remember more."

A suppressed giggle came from Jade's side. "I'll try," Jade said with a peculiar warmth, and Josh thought he could still be surprised.

* * *

After all those revelations, Josh decided to spend the evening on reflection and digesting the day as a whole.

To think that so much had happened in only few hours. First, Jade's unexpected visit and his unusual suggestion; then a sudden encounter with Alain and his story; and then another bit of information he had managed to drag out of Robert in the end. Maybe that Robert Jade wasn't that bad... After all, something about him must have attracted Josh's attention when he had been asking for a kiss...

No, bad thought, very bad indeed. He wasn't going to think about Robert. Alain, on the other hand...

He leaned against the windowsill and gazed at the darkening skies.

So, _such_ was Alain's past. Well, it was not that Josh knew everything about him now - he didn't even imagine it - but he did know _something_. It filled him with some joy. But how lonely Alain must have felt! From the comments he had heard here and there, it followed that Alain had grown up in rather poor conditions. His mother apparently worked... nights? Whatever it could mean. His father had died long ago. Alain never mentioned his family, but it was clear he didn't feel like going back home. He never went there during holidays, either. It was obvious he hadn't experienced many nice things there.

And now Jade was telling him that, at some point, Alain had found out he had a step-sister. The luck had finally smiled at him, for he had managed to meet her. And even make friends with her! She could've been the first person who had treated him nicely...

But then Grace - such was her name? - died tragically. Alain must've felt twice as lonely as before. Josh didn't wonder at all that Alain had blamed Jade - that he blamed _someone_. He must've felt that, after he had found something good in his life, even that had been taken from him. How could he accept it?

Josh clenched his fists.

When talking about Alain, Jade made the impression he really cared for him. After all, they'd been friends for many years, so it was understandable. But it was not all - it seemed as if Jade thought Alain was okay. In other words, a good person. Of course, Jade too had something of a delinquent about him, but Josh quickly banished that thought. The thing was that, behind all that arrogance and provocative behaviour - and hanging with suspicious guys in the town, getting into fights in the back-streets and drinking hard liquors _was_ provocative in case of a student of a prestigious school - was a sensitive man who tried to deal with the difficulties that way.

Josh straightened at that analysis and such a neat formulation of his thought. Then he blinked, staring at the first evening star over the campus tower, and pressed his forehead to his forearms. 'For God's sake, I'm talking like a girl in love with a villain, who tries to see a sensitive man in him, at all costs. What a fall, Joshua Or.'

Still, the warmth filled him. Being a romanticist was a one thing, but it didn't change the fact that he felt good with a thought that someone else backed up his presumptions. Delinquency _was_ appealing, a bit, but he preferred a version in that Alain wasn't such a scoundrel, after all.

Now he wanted to get close to Alain even more - not for some egoistic desire, but to convince him he could still be happy. Be someone who wouldn't leave. Didn't this sound a bit too pompous?

He shook his head to sober himself. The bell struck half past eight. Josh decided he would take a walk - there was half an hour until curfew - and think how to realize his intentions. A glance at his maths exercise book told a few things.

The western skies was still red, but the rest of it had already turned deep cobalt. The smell of evening flowers was intoxicating. Josh walked in the gardens, and his mind indulged in unproductive fancy about how nice it would be to come here with Alain and spend the night together under the stars. His imagination went back to the earlier talk about tongues, and he had to pat on his cheeks several times to stop thinking about it.

And he really _hadn't_ intended to go to the fourth-year students' wing. He was standing there for a while, looking in Alain's window. It was dark, which meant he probably had yet to return from the town... Josh suppressed a sigh. He would see him at the latest - and at the earliest - tomorrow.

He smiled. He would have to be a risk-taker, a bit - but he had always been. First, he would have to accustom Alain to his presence, so that it would become the most natural thing in the world. It would require both persistence and imagination. And hope, and courage. Alain - at least now - seemed a person who needed to be taken care of. There was a danger of Alain's feeling that Josh forced himself upon him - and it would be an end of everything, but it was the risk Josh had to take and hope for the best. If Alain were going to detest him, it would happen that way or another. And if he were going to fall in love with Josh...

Josh realized he must have worn a very foolish expression - dreamy and blissful - and he ran back to his wing. He wasn't going to let anyone see him like this.

He felt like laughing from the rooftops. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so light at heart. Being in love was the best feeling in the world, after all.

* * *

_Danko, "Russians are coming"_


	4. Chapter 4

**4.**   
_**(chodzę do szkoły, różne stopnie zbieram)** _

* * *

The next day, Josh could hardly wait for the lessons to end; they dragged mercilessly. He couldn't muster any enthusiasm even for biology he usually liked pretty much, and during the last period he was already trembling with impatience and wondered when that old fool (history teacher) would finally stop binding. It seemed to him he wasn't the only one who felt like this - rest of the class appeared equally frustrated, probably by the fact there was spring in its fool bloom outside and another beautiful day, while they had to sit here, listening about Dark Ages. Those in the back evidently didn't focus on the lecture.

However, at three o'clock the bell rang, and the group dispersed all over the campus to enjoy the afternoon. Josh rushed into his room, tossed the bag onto the bed, grasped the notebook and maths exercise book, and ran to the fourth-year students' wing. On his way, he execrated the general injustice of the world, making the senior classes have much less lessons than the junior ones and finish at noon at the very latest. He wasn't even sure whether Alain would be in his room, knowing his tendency to go his own way and spend free time in a manner not really befitting the high school student...

The closer he was, the faster his heart was beating, and the slower his pace was, while dark thoughts were creeping in his mind. Alain would probably not be there. And, given he were, he would probably tell Josh to get lost. So far, he had agreed for Josh's company, but today Josh's luck would definitely end. Or Alain would simply be busy. Everyone had their right to be busy, even in the spring. Especially in the spring. Maybe even... Maybe even Alain would be busy... with someone?

He climbed at the second floor and stopped. He was standing there, eyes wide open, books against his chest. No, he couldn't do it. Until now, he hadn't hesitated even once, but now, for the first time in his life, he felt he wouldn't stand being pushed away.

A senior student passed him, smirking. Josh's all instincts yelled in unison, and all fears vanished, as if they had never been there. He straightened up and tossed his hair back. _What a weakness is it, Joshua Or? What a melancholy?_ No-one would make fun of him. Suppressing the urge to kick the insolent git in the ankle, he lifted his chin and moved ahead with doubled resolve. He had his goal. He had his plan. He came here to spend some time with Alain and, as long as it was up to him, he didn't intend to withdraw. Only yesterday he was talking to himself about courage. Capitulation was out of question.

Standing before Alain's door, he looked around furtively, but the corridor was empty. Not that he was going to excuse himself to anyone, but he'd rather have no witnesses in case Alain kicked him out...

Enough! Believe in yourself!

He knocked - much more faintly his resolve would indicate - and stepped back, smoothing his hair. _He's not here, he's not..._ Then, however, the door opened, revealing none other than Alain Corail. The view took Josh's breath away, and for a moment he could only stare.

He had forgot, damn him, he had really forgot about Alain's new image. Terrible. In his head, Alain had still had long hair - and now he was standing before Josh with those green eyes and fantastic ears, and... He looked very manly.

"Joshua...?"

Josh gulped. "Hi," he forced his vocal cords to act. "I hope I'm not disturbing you? I have a trigonometry test next week and still can't grasp some things. I thought maybe you could explain them to me 'cause I just can't get it into my head, and the test is important and I want to pass," he said in one breath.

Alain blinked.

 _Now he would say, 'Surely, you can ask someone else,' or, 'Arrange yourself a tutorial,' or, 'Are you really so dumb?'_ No, the last one was definitely Josh's imagination; Alain wouldn't say it - and even he did, Josh would bear with it somehow.

But Alain said nothing at all and was only giving him an astonished look. Josh clenched his fingers on the edge of his notebook, digging his fingernails into it. At the same time, he held back quite unexpected urge to give him a shake in order to get some response. Any.

"But I repeat a year," Alain finally answered. "Really, you could chose better," he added with some irony.

Josh was speechless. It wasn't what he'd expected. Words 'You could choose better' rang in his head, distracting him for two seconds. Maybe he could - but he didn't intend. Alain was still looking at him, like he used to, although now his gaze was quite penetrating... Pretty bad. 'Think, Joshua! Think!'

"You couldn't possibly flunk everything," he declared cleverly. "I don't believe you don't understand that stupid maths. You don't look it," he added ingratiatingly, careful not to overdo. Being natural was a key.

Alain rubbed his neck, looking as if he fell for flattery. "Trigonometry?" he repeated. "Well, it's not that difficult..."

The feeling of victory filled Josh, but he refrained from cheers and tried to remain serious. After all, he was posing as a man in need here. He brushed off the thought of real 'needs' he had apropos Alain. "Could you help me? Please!" he called out.

For a while, Alain was standing silent, and then - oh, dear - let him in. Josh left the world of the corridor behind and stepped in, shyly looking around. He had never been here before, although he _did_ use to visit this wing more often he could justify it. Alain's room was bathed in sunlight - and pretty tidy. Not so big as juniors', but single - the luxury reserved for the fourth-year students. Judging from the books on the desk, Alain had been studying. Josh almost felt a pang of guilt for bothering him, but he wasn't going to stay for long, even if he wished so. Not today.

"I won't take you much time," he said.

Alain only wave his hand and showed him the bed. Josh sat down, slightly confused. "I have only one chair," Alain explained, sitting next to him, "so we'll be more comfortable here."

Josh swallowed down the sudden realization that they would be more comfortable on the bed indeed... not necessarily when studying maths. He forced back the blush and dizziness caused by some dirty visions, wondering how he would last an hour or so, sitting next to Alain and feeling the warmth of his body. But it was good, too, since he didn't have to look at Alain, which gave at least minimal chance of focusing.

"So... what is the biggest problem?" Alain asked, and Josh made himself come back to reality.

He flicked through a notebook. "The Pythagorean trigonometric identity..."

Alain sighed. He probably hadn't expected to start from zero. Josh became alarmed. Maybe he shouldn't play such a moron...? Some things _were_ unclear to him, but, in general, he was quite good at trigonometry. But he couldn't have come here and ask for help with material he had already completed or was about to complete in the next month - could he? - while the trigonometry test was going to be next week precisely. At the best, Alain would be impressed by Josh's pace of learning and his own teaching abilities. Both of them would be happy.

And it was quite a good thing he had already covered this stuff, for he could only nod and play wise when Alain took a pencil and started to draw the graphs and then explicate them, using his big hands. They quickly went through the general rules and set to the formulas, arriving at the part that still remained obscure to Josh in the end. In fact - what surprised Josh - he pretty well managed to focus on the problem and simply take Alain's presence as something normal. At first, he felt like exploding from the urge to fling himself at Alain, who was so close... But once he got used to the situation, he calmed down. And he felt good with it; after all, his feelings for Alain were much more complicated than simply getting the man into bed...

He gulped and spent a while on trying to convince himself he certainly knew the meaning of those strange marks (numbers and letters) Alain was drawing on the paper.

One hour passed in a flash, and Josh welcomed the bell striking half past four both relieved and disappointed. But, everything was still ahead!

"I think I understand it much better now," he said, which was true, in a way. "Thanks," here he should look Alain in the eye, but he couldn't. "I should be okay with the problems." He got up. "Or, maybe... Maybe I could drop in later, once I'm done with them? You would check them over..." Now he really should look at the person he was asking a favour of.

Alain was sitting at the edge of the bed and giving him a pensive look. 'God, he's so sexy,' Josh thought, refraining from jumping at him. Alain's new haircut still delighted him. Oh no, he was staring again... "What about the weekend? Would you have a moment to spare?" he asked entreatingly.

Alain nodded, and something inside Josh shouted with joy. "Before noon... would be okay?" Alain suggested with some uncertainty that Josh couldn't really understand.

"Then, I'll come at eleven," he said quickly before Alain changed his mind. "Thank you once more," he added and smiled widely.

Alain smiled back, albeit shyly. Josh ran away before he fainted.

Once he found himself back in his room, he threw himself at the bed and closed his eyes. He couldn't stop smiling.

He didn't feel good with a thought he was deceiving Alain about his abilities, but it couldn't spoil his happiness. By the way, it was strange that maths could be a reason to be happy - and he knew he would look at it more favourably from now on. Probably.

But, that Alain had agreed to help him... Agreed to spend some time with him! Such was a plan - but the plan didn't matter! Second day in a row, he managed to spend one hour with his beloved person, and it was great. He felt like dancing.

On the other hand... He frowned. Now, that he was analysing his behaviour in Alain's presence, he could only bless the upperclassman's absent-mindedness, otherwise his intention would have been exposed. In fact, there was a possibility Alain _was_ more shrewd he looked; all the more reason for Josh to be more careful. _Joshua Or, to blush and cast your eyes down like a middle school girl? You can do better than that! And, for God's sake, get used to his haircut already!_

A photo would do, so that he could stare at it in order to get used. But, then, he wouldn't do anything else.

The question came back to him: could Alain suspect that Joshua Or was simply trying to pick up him? No, it wasn't like this; at least, not entirely like this. True, he was in love with Alain Corail, but what he really wanted was only - _only?_ \- to get close to him. To become his friend. What he had told Jade was one hundred percent true: he cared for Alain. Of course, had Alain let him, he would take care of him and make him happy in a way Alain didn't even imagine he could be.

He felt again he was trying to bite off more than he could chew. _What can a guy like me, a sixteen-years old student, do?_ asked the rational part of him. _I'm neither very smart nor good-looking,_ he thought with self-criticism and not very truthfully. The truth was there was nothing wrong with his marks or looks. Well, he could be taller - his 164 centimetres was killing him - and he was rather skinny... But he was okay with being skinny, and his optimism made him believe he would yet grow. Maybe he would never be as tall as Alain, but why should he? Jade and Saphir looked nice together - didn't they? - even though one was a beanpole and other a shrimp.

He had strayed away from the subject again. Optimism was a key, after all. _Don't be so hard on yourself. Why couldn't you learn how to provide the best support for Alain? Slowly, slowly, Josh._

He wondered what Alain thought of him. If he thought at all. Maybe that option was better; Josh should only make Alain _start thinking_ of him, and voila. Then again, if Alain already had some opinion on him... Hmm.

Maybe he should ask directly? Hey, that would be good. 'Alain, you know what they talk about me..." Or, straight out, "Alain, you know I'm a gay. Don't you think people will start gossiping about you if you continue to hang with me?' _Never cared for gossiping_ \- Jade's statement popped into his mind. Oh, he wished Alain said something like this, too... He mused. In fact, Alain and Jade had more in common than Josh would gladly admit.

But no, he couldn't ask anything like this. It was tempting, but too risky. Alain could really start worry about it and cease seeing him. Which meant that the only option was to slowly execute the long-range plan. It wasn't something that fitted Josh's impulsive nature, but one could learn everything when needed. Regularity and patience wouldn't do him harm anyway.

Nevertheless, the question whether Alain knew about his orientation was pestering him; yet, thinking about it would be completely fruitless, and Joshua Or was a man of action.

Although he felt like lying down for the rest of the day and cherishing the memories of meeting with Alain, he pulled himself together and got down to the maths problems. He would do so many of them it would take Alain a longer while to check all of them.

* * *

_I go to school; I get various grades - Kabaret OTTO, "Wakacje"_


	5. Chapter 5

**5.**   
_**(I ain't gonna live forever)** _

* * *

Rest of the week dragged on terribly: the lessons were boring, Josh had done so much maths problems he had enough for a lifetime, he also decided he would stay away from Alain until the promised day... and it stood for all description since his current life was restricted to school and love. He rolled his eyes at the very thought, but, at the same time, he felt that familiar warmth in his chest and couldn't hold back a smile. He really enjoyed being in love.

Not that he didn't see Alain at all; he wasn't that categorical. He wouldn't have survived if he hadn't glanced at the object of his affection at least once per day. The passed each other several times on the campus - Josh had skilfully arranged those encounters, and no-one else would have guessed they were intentional - but he forced himself to only wave in greeting and move on, not even looking back. Having Alain get used to his face was a one thing, and forcing himself upon him in every possible situation was another. The latter would undoubtedly reveal his intentions. He simply had to wait until Saturday. It would be an entirely different talk if Alain _offered_ his company to Josh... but he couldn't quite count on it. Not yet.

On Friday evening, Jade visited him again. At first, he was mincing and blushing - especially returning the book, which Josh mercifully didn't comment - but then they got down to business. Or, rather, they were about to, when Jade asked, "Do you have more of those... manuals?"

Josh nodded, observing him closely.

"Then," Jade went on, "maybe I could simply borrow them and not bother you any more?"

Josh straightened up in his chair. 'Out of question,' he though indignantly.

"No problem. But our deal is still valid," he said outright. "Information for information," he reminded.

Jade sighed. Then he smiled evilly. "You know I could tell the patron about it?"

"Are you sure he doesn't use them?" Josh retorted, flooring Jade. "Besides, I could tell the headmaster you're banging Georges Saphir. I can't tell which one is the bigger crime."

Jade went pale. 'Serves you good,' Josh thought.

"Also, if my books were confiscated, you would be left out in the cold, so let's stop talking nonsense and waste our time," Josh decided conciliatingly.

Jade was still giving him an offended look. "I'm not banging him," he said finally.

"Right, at least not yet," Josh agreed. "Otherwise you wouldn't even be here. Still, those are technical details. I suppose the school regulations don't specify who, what and to whom, only a fact of having an intimate relationship with another student."

Jade's eyes were round now, but he seemed to focusing on a different thing. "What did you say about a crime?" he asked. "It... can't be... punishable?"

"Jade, what century do you live? In our country, homosexual acts were decriminalized over one hundred years ago," Josh explained with some exasperation. "You really don't know anything," he sighed.

"Oh, please, forgive my ignorance, mister expert," Jade riposted. "For seventeen years I considered myself normal."

"I'll smack you," Josh had never been a master of self-control, and Jade was annoying him particularly. "Then, what about Alain?" he decided to grab the opportunity once it had occurred. "Does he consider himself 'normal', too?"

Jade lowered and mused. "I told you I've never seen him with a girlfriend," he said in the end. "Not with the boyfriend either."

"Well, we've already determined that much," Josh concurred, trying to calm his heart. "And what about Grace?"

Jade frowned and looked at him. " _What_ about Grace?" he asked, not really following.

"She wasn't his real sister. They weren't related at all," Josh noticed. "Don't you find it strange he was so interested in a person he didn't even know? For all you said, he really cared for her. Maybe what it wasn't just brotherly love on his part?"

"Now I feel like smacking you," Jade replied, still frowning.

"Fine," Josh said merrily. "But what do you think?"

Jade shook his head. It seemed his good mood was gone. "Nah... I don't think it's the case," he answered, but it was obvious it bothered him.

Josh knew he'd made Jade think, and decided to strike while the iron was hot. "Then, how it was with Georges? Am I wrong saying that both you and Alain saw Grace in him?"

Jade banged his fist on a tight. "It... It's not like this!" he raised his voice. "You have no idea-"

"Sure I don't," Josh agreed with him. "But I can tell Alain used to be thrown off balance by the very presence of Georges. He seemed capable of anything. The question is of what exactly." He didn't want to think about it himself, but it was worth provoking some questions and answers.

Jade was only looking at him, then he got up and went to the door, arms folded on his chest. After a while, he returned to his seat.

"Alain... probably... assaulted Georges," he said with difficulty. "Nothing happened," he added quickly. "I learned about it later, from George's friend. He wouldn't tell me himself, of course," he explained.

'Bastard,' Josh thought, not really sure who exactly he meant. He clenched his fists and then relaxed them. "Assault like in 'sexual assault'?" he asked with a sudden inspiration.

"It's not funny," Jade whispered. "But... something of that kind."

"And you really don't know anything more? You never spoke about it with Georges?" Josh asked, disappointed. 'Man, you're no use.'

Jade shook his head. "But..." he said hesitantly, "Georges will be in Idealo next week... Maybe you can... ask him."

Josh straightened up. Well, it was rather generous of Jade, to suggest it, wasn't it? "You think he'd agree to tell me about it?" The idea was tempting, but he remained sceptical. _He_ would have no desire to talk about being... sexually assaulted. Almost.

Jade shrugged. "It's your problem how you're going to persuade him to do it."

Josh nodded. He took another book from the shelf and gave it to Jade without a word. Jade blushed from just looking at the cover, which - what was worth mentioning - was perfectly plain.

"I suppose we're square," Josh said, quite distracted as he was already thinking how to convince Saphir to his cause.

"When will be next time?" Jade asked.

Josh cast him a look saying 'You're still here?' and shook his head. "I'll be quite busy next week, and then the holiday starts. I believe you won't be willing to part with your company... Then, after Easter? Friday, two weeks from now?"

"Fine," Jade nodded and got up to leave. Then he turned back, hand on a handle, to ask curiously, "By the way... where's your house-mate?"

"None was assigned this year," Josh replied, waving vaguely.

Jade gave him a suggestive look. "Quite convenient, isn't it?" he guessed, smirking. Josh didn't answer, only smirked back. Here, let Jade confirm himself in the conviction that Josh's experience in love-making was great. It would benefit them both.

After Jade left, Josh pondered on what he had learned for a longer while. He still wasn't sure whether he should be jealous of Georges Saphir, but he decided to forget about it for now. So, Alain really had tried to do something to Saphir, but - according to Jade - nothing had happened. Saphir had had some business with Alain, had been hanging around the dorms and all...

He had a feeling he didn't catch all threads yet, and it annoyed him, but he ordered himself to remain calm.

He wouldn't know anything until he spoke with Saphir. The best option was probably to try and get him after the High Mass on Easter Sunday. He would ask for a talk - or, maybe Jade could even mention to him about it? Josh couldn't decide whether he wanted to count on Jade's good heart or not, but there was no point in puzzling over it. _What must be, must be._ Easter was next week already.

He decided to look into maths problems and, with some consternation, realized that it would took Alain half a day to check all of them. Terrible.

* * *

Bon Jovi, "It's my life"


	6. Chapter 6

**6.**   
_**(live your life without regret, don't be someone who they forget)** _

* * *

It wasn't anything surprising that Josh didn't get enough sleep that night. He couldn't quite fall asleep, knowing he was soon going to meet his big love. In the morning, he was somewhat dazed, but the shower quickly invigorated him. Combing through his damp hair, he was gazing at his mirror reflection. Could Alain like the dark-haired man...? It was a bad thing Georges Saphir was a blonde. What about his sister, then? He had never inquired about it. Maybe she'd had long fair hair, bouncing with her every move? And, of course, blue or green eyes... Josh pushed his nose nearer to the mirror, looking critically at his irises of a strange colour. Someone kind would describe them as hazel, but they were so light sometimes they seemed yellow. He frowned. Not that he didn't like them, but who else had such eyes? At once, another thought followed: he had never wanted to be like anyone else. He should be proud of his eyes! But... For some reason, it sounded like a slogan.

In general, he didn't consider himself ugly - but people had tastes on their own. If Alain liked ethereal angels, then such a little devil like Josh couldn't really count on his attention...

No, he was sinking into defeatism again. He had set his sights on _getting_ Alain's attention, after all.

 _But there are so many things you can't do anything about,_ his common sense noticed. _Many of them had been decided before you were even born..._

Josh ordered his common sense to shut up. He was what he was, and couldn't change it. Important was to be healthy and clean, that was a key. _It's usually dark in the bed anyway,_ he decided and then, driving away the blush, started to brush his teeth.

He wondered whether Alain would offer him bed again... For sitting, of course. He choked on the water. After he finally caught his breath, he couldn't stop laughing. _Josh, thank God for your sense of humour,_ he thought.

'Well, we're making a good pair with Alain,' he thought later, on the way to his room. 'He's always so serious, gloomy and pensive, while I'm totally crazy.' But no, he corrected himself quickly, Alain wasn't that serious. Many a time Josh noticed something that could indicate Alain's hidden sense of humour. No, definitely, Alain wasn't stiff...

Josh came to halt in the middle of the corridor, overwhelmed by the vision of making Alain laugh one day. He resumed walking after a while, slightly bewildered.

The day was sunny again, and promised to be pretty warm. He decided not to put a jacket on, and stayed only in a shirt. During weekends the students were allowed to wear more casual clothes, but he wanted something neat. _Not only girls think about what they put on when they want to appeal to the man they like!_ In his case, the emphasis was on the word 'appeal'.

He mused over his schedule next week. Tomorrow was Palm Sunday, followed by only three school-days. The trigonometry test was on Tuesday, its results no sooner than after Easter. Before it, he had to write a literature essay on the book he was going to read this weekend. The holiday started from Holy Thursday...

He realized that most student would leave, with only few staying in the dorms. Maybe... maybe Alain would stay, too? Suddenly, he wished he could spend Easter together with Alain, although he didn't even know how it could look. From the time he had spent with his grandfather, he remembered the religious holidays as something warm and nice. He didn't consider himself a very religious person, but the holiday was... yeah. There was a special air of celebration to it.

He shook his head; he had to postpone such dreams until the far future, for now he had no chance to fulfil them.

After breakfast, he continued the reflection on the upcoming week and, somewhat depressed, realized today was going to be probably the last meeting with Alain for some time. Oh, of course, he intended to _accidentally run into_ Alain at least once per day, but the next occasion to spend a longer while together wouldn't occur until Easter was over. He lowered a bit, but shook his head right away. They weren't close friends with Alain, and thus he had no pretext to see him often. If he tried to, it would be too suspicious. The best method was to act gradually, simulating normal encounters - and hoping Alain wouldn't realize it. Josh believed he could gain Alain's trust this way, as well as made them become closer. Alain didn't have to fall in love with him at once, did he? Important was that he would like to stay in contact with Josh after he graduated.

Josh swallowed as this thought engaged him.

What was Alain going to do after his education here reached its end? Would he stay in Idealo? Find a job? Or leave to study elsewhere? He wasn't the most diligent student, but he couldn't be a blockhead either, since he _was_ studying here. Sure, he was repeating a year, but Josh was certain it had nothing to do with his intellect. Most likely, he had more important things than studying on his head. After all, he was pretty good at maths, as far as Josh was aware, and this stood for something!

More important things than studying... Josh could understand it perfectly. For his part, he really would like to spend his youth on more pleasant things - all of them were related to Alain - but he didn't intend to stay in this school longer than it was absolutely necessary. He was really lucky that Alain was repeating a year; otherwise, there would be a three years gap between them... He wanted to grow up as soon as possible and reach Alain. Alain most likely treated him like a kid, which was completely logical.

Still, Josh hoped Alain would stay in Idealo. Or, given he left, he wouldn't disappear from Josh's life. He smiled sillily at the thought Alain could write letters to him... No, it was utterly impossible. But there were still phones. Definitely, Josh had to buy himself a cell phone, in June at the very latest. He had no idea how much it might cost, but surely he could afford it from his scholarship, couldn't he? And he could ask Alain - as an expert, for he owned one - to help him choose a good model. It would be a great occasion to give Alain his number, too. _Josh, you're a genius._

He almost zoned out when he imagined Alain's voice on the phone. Hmm, he would have to limit the count of people he would give his number to since he was going to have a heart attack every time he heard the ring-tone.

 _Joshua Or, when are you going to become serious?_ he asked himself.

Or, maybe one thing wasn't related to another, in the end? After all, he often felt he was much more mature than his peers or even older students, being aware of many aspects of life they were completely ignorant of. He could reflect on himself, and he had a good insight into his mind and behaviour. At the same time, his sense of humour, tendency to self-ridicule and healthy distance to himself made him capable of laugh at himself - and it didn't get in the way of his growth, did it? Besides, being in love had its own rights, and no-one could say that love made anyone wiser.

He resumed the reflection about the future. He had been agonizing over what Alain would do after he graduated, yet he didn't know what he would do himself. Sure, there was still two years; nevertheless, he had no idea what he could do. To tell the truth, the only thing that crossed his mind was to be with Alain.

No, definitely, love didn't make anyone wiser.

Eleven o'clock was getting close, so he stopped more or less productive analyses, took the maths notebook and ran to the fourth-years' wing. On his way, he kept reminding himself he had to be natural. 'No blushing or lowering your eyes, Joshua Or. Alain Corail has never been unnerving you, so there's no reason to change it now.'

Still, he couldn't stop his heart from beating like mad as he was knocking on that particular door. 'Relax, relax, Joshua. Smile!' He really tried to relax his face, and he even managed to don quite a genuine expression.

However, it quickly faded; after a longer while of looking at the spot Alain's head should appear in and refraining from nervously shuffling his feet, he got no reaction. The room seemed silent, and nothing indicated Alain was inside. Josh's heart flew through his stomach and fell on the floor at such a sudden disappointment. It was not what he'd expected.

Alain had forgot about their meeting. Or had something more important to do. He hadn't bothered informing Josh. Why? He couldn't possibly care for a kid... Josh bit his lips, for it seemed to him they were trembling. He leaned against the door and fixed his eyes on the floor. Truly, he hadn't expected this. He'd been looking forward to this appointment; he'd never thought, not even once, it could fall through... Let-down was extremely severe.

He couldn't quite force himself to leave, although there was no point in standing here and waiting God only knew what for. The senior students would have a field day with him lingering by Alain's door. Such thoughts usually prompted him to act, but now he felt as if all energy left him.

'Move! Where is your pride?' his common sense called. But his heart didn't give a damn about such useless things and simply wanted to be consoled.

Pathetic.

Footsteps thumped on the stairs. "Joshua!"

He raised his head, in disbelief, upon hearing the familiar voice. His previous dilemmas about relaxing vanished once he spotted Alain. He was smiling before he even managed to think about it.

Alain brushed his hair aside, stopping next to him. "My watch has stopped again," he rushed to say, opening the door. "Sorry. I hope you haven't been waiting long?" he asked with a concern.

Josh shook his head, unable to speak. The warmth filling him soothed the previous pain, and his heart seemed to return to its place. Alain invited him inside, so he entered.

"I was at the gate when I heard the bell striking eleven," Alain went on. "I think I should have it repaired," he said, looking at the face of the watch and frowning.

Josh was still staring at him, but it was high time for him to say something. "That's what you should do," he concurred, hoping he sounded casual.

Alain ran his fingers across his forehead and glanced at him in silence. Maybe he too realized he had already said more than during his usual talk. Josh looked around. The lace curtain in the open window was moving, and the sunlight was coming inside, just like the previous time. However, now there were two chairs standing by the desk. Josh's heart leapt. Alain had really cared for their meeting and prepared himself for it! Josh wondered whether he was able to bear the feeling of happiness that overwhelmed him. He smiled wider. "Then, today there will be no need to use your bed," he said before he thought.

Alain gave him a surprised look and explained only after a while, "I've brought another chair. It'll be more comfortable on the desk."

"I agree," Josh replied, nodding, although he wasn't that sure.

Alain took one chair, showing him the other, and they sat down.

"I'm glad you had a while for me," Josh said, while Alain only shook his head.

"Don't mention it," he said, somewhat embarrassed, so Josh didn't say more, only opened his notebook.

"I want to score a good mark, so I've done many problems," he explained. "I hope I got at least half of them right..."

"I bet you've done better," Alain threw in. "Let me see."

Josh passed him the notebook. Alain took it in his big hands and started to read, nodding from time to time. Josh was looking at him more or less openly. He hardly had an occasion to see him from that close, and now he could spot even the mole under his left eye, usually invisible between the eye-lashes.

Alain frowned and put the notebook on the desk. "Here's a mistake," he said, pointing.

Josh stirred and looked to the problem. "Here?"

"See? You've got the formula wrong. It should be tangent alpha, not sine..."

Josh flicked through the book, searching for the page he'd noted the identities on. Indeed, he had substituted incorrectly. He crossed out the wrong part and started again, using the pen Alain gave him.

"Good," he heard behind his right ear. "Go ahead."

He swallowed, clasping the pen tightly and trying to focus. With Alain behind his back, it wasn't easy, especially that Alain leaned over to see better, and Josh could feel the heat of his body. 'Focus, Joshua,' he ordered himself, but he might as well wish for the moon, for all his senses were on standby. He was sure that, had it been not for the new haircut, Alain's hair would have tickled his neck. He forced back a sigh, but couldn't stop a shiver at the thought.

"Something wrong?" Alain asked uncertainly.

'You bet,' Josh wanted to reply, but instead he shook his head and bent over the notebook. He would solve this problem even if it was to be the last thing in his life. Sine, cosine, tangent, cotangent... He had been studying it! It really wasn't that difficult. Here, a reduction, and it was it. He put the pen aside and gave the notebook back to Alain, who nodded again.

"Good," the upperclassman repeated and continued checking the other problems.

Those he commented were much less than those correctly made, and Josh solved them, too. After an hour of that cooperation, Josh could only congratulate on himself: if he could focus on maths in those particular conditions, there couldn't possibly be many situations he was unable to cope with.

"It seems you've mastered it pretty well," Alain said when they reached the final page. "Sometimes you mix up when substituting the formulas..."

"I'm somewhat scatterbrained and sometimes overlook things..."

"Then, there's two of us," Alain decided with unexpected frankness, and Josh's heart leaped again. It was nice to hear that Alain thought they had something in common.

"If you're referring to your being late, it's nothing to speak of," he felt compelled to say it. Besides, he really thought it. "As for me, I just have to be careful on the test. We're allowed to have the formulas at our disposal, so the biggest problem is not to mix them up."

"Good luck," Alain told him.

"If I pass it, I'll invite you for a coffee to thank you," Josh declared when a sudden inspiration struck him, forcing back a treacherous blush.

"You don't have-"

"Come on. I told you that test is important to me," Josh insisted, his heart pounding. "Besides, I feel like visiting that patisserie again. I took liking to their cheesecake. You like cheesecake?" he asked, grabbing the opportunity. Alan hesitated and then nodded. "Then, for a coffee and cheesecake," Josh decided, "or, maybe you want something else."

Now, Alain shook his head. 'Probably reached the conclusion he's already exhausted the portion of words for today,' Josh though ironically.

"But the results will be after Easter," he emphasized. "Speaking of which... You're leaving for holiday?" he asked casually.

"No," Alain replied, shrugging.

"Me neither," Josh said, and then the silence fell between them.

He suppressed a sigh. Oh, how he wished he could stay here longer, but his pretext had run out along with the maths problems. The bell had already struck noon. It would be so nice to sit here for a while - even though the talk was heavy going - since they weren't going to meet sooner than after Easter... How was he going to survive? He sighed inwardly again. As Alain didn't say anything, Josh closed the notebook and got up. "Then, I don't want to take more of your time. I still have a book to read," he said reluctantly.

Alain raised his eyes on him, and Josh had to muster all his strength not to lean towards him and... He quickly turned back and headed for the door. Alain got up to escort him. Once they were standing in the doorway, opposite one another, Josh said, "Thanks again. I'll come for you on Thursday after holiday," he tried to speak naturally. "Okay?"

Alain nodded. 'Now, we should have a goodbye kiss,' Josh thought.

"I see you assume you will pass," Alain spoke, his voice ringing with laugh.

"I have to," Josh replied seriously. "Besides, there's no other option with such a tutor," he called, laughing, and ran down the corridor, never looking back.

He felt light inside and couldn't stop smiling. Running downstairs, he pressed the notebook to his chest, for it seemed his heart was about to jump out of it. He had managed to spend another hour with Alain, and this time he behaved normally. On top of it, he had set up a date...

His was aware his cheeks were burning as he walk through the hall to the main entrance. Absorbed in pleasant visions and convincing himself he would last two weeks on such positives, he didn't notice the approaching man until it was too late. On the other hand, the guy must have looked in some other direction, too, since they collided. "What the-"

Josh raised his head and saw the student council president, who was giving him a displeased look. "Joshua Or? What are you doing in the fourth-year students' wing?"

"I'm coming back from Alain Corail," Josh replied truthfully, although somewhat provocatively.

"From Alain...? What..." The man squinted. "Aren't you ashamed-"

"He was tutoring me," Josh interrupted him. "I have a trigonometry test next week, and Alain agreed to help me."

"Alain? Was tutoring you?" now the man's voice was ringing with astonishment, and he wore rather foolish expression.

"Why, he know maths inside out," Josh said in a tone he would use to explaining an obvious thing to a halfwit. He didn't know that for sure, but in his eyes Alain had already become an authority on maths.

"The Alain Corail?" the president repeated as if he wasn't sure had he heard correctly.

Josh snorted, annoyed. It was one thing that Alain wasn't considered a top student, but it was quite another to regard him as a moron. Apparently, the objectivity wasn't that guy's strongest point. To tell the truth, Josh could never stand him.

"For a student president, you seem terribly ignorant of the students' progresses," he stated sarcastically. "You should be more interested-"

"But I am interested," the upperclassman broke in. "Believe me, I am very interested. Now, for example, it interests me whether you've been really studying maths with Alain. Knowing your reputation..." He paused and smiled maliciously.

Josh swallowed down the insult, telling himself that getting furious wouldn't do. He didn't want to make a scene; on the other hand, he didn't want anyone - especially such a simpleton - to suspect Alain of things that had nothing to do with reality. "Shall I show you the notebook?" he asked, looking at the guy angrily.

They were sizing each other up in silence for a while. "To tell the truth, I don't give a damn about Corail's reputation," the man drawled finally, "but I still think I should tell him he risks a opinion of a pervert, hanging around with you."

Josh set his teeth. His knuckles turned pale white. "Then, I think I should speak with the headmaster about how Mister Student Council President forbids the students to study together," he said in a low voice, squinting. "I wonder if Mister Student Council President will be a president after this... It would be a pity, wouldn't it, just before graduation..."

The man went pale and clenched his fists. For a moment, he seemed to jump at Josh. "You punk...!" he uttered. "You wouldn't dare...!"

"You want to take a risk?"

Again, they were regarding one another in silence, and Josh felt his heart pounding hard. That bastard, that bloody asshole... He could ruin everything, and he didn't even realize it. Josh still didn't believe Alain would say he didn't care for gossiping; besides, it wasn't most important here. If someone suggested directly he had a more intimate relationship with Joshua Or, Alain would withdraw - and it would be the end of all Josh's dreams. He couldn't let it happen. How could he be so stupid to talk back to the student council president? But he couldn't stand that conceited smile of him and looking down on everyone around.

"What guarantee do I have that you won't do it?" the man asked.

"My word of honour," Josh replied simply.

The president snorted. "A word of honour of a fag-"

"It's worth more than-" Josh bit his tongue not to worsen the situation. "Look, let's not fight, okay?" he said peaceably. "Let's forget it. We were really only studying," he added, somewhat resigned. "And you're okay, aren't you?" he had to force himself to say it.

The upperclassman gave him a distrustful look, and then he lifted his chin contemptuously. "I'm not going to bother myself with you," he said finally. "Neither of you deserves my attention."

Josh felt the knot of his stomach relax. The president turned back and left, never honouring him with a look. Josh stood in the spot, trying to calm down the storm of emotions whirling inside him. Finally, when there was not even a trace of the man, he managed to loosen his fists clutching the notebook. He noticed he had almost torn the cover apart. He rested against the wall and breathed deeply to collect himself. Whole joy after having met with Alain turned into ash that was leaving the unpleasant taste in mouth. He had to admit he had been scared, and maybe he still was.

It was a close call; in one moment, he could lose everything - before he even gained it. The very realization made him feel cold. The memory of the previous warmth couldn't heat him.

Finally, he moved away from the wall and left to the sunny yard. The president was nowhere in sight; Josh didn't want to see him at all. On the way to his room, his brain started to work again.

He really didn't give a damn about what others could think of him, especially the ones like that scum. He could walk alone, holding his head up, even if everyone saw him as a pervert - if it was only about him. However, it was also about Alain. He'd like to believe Alain would have nothing against him, even given he knew Josh was interested solely in men; he imagined it was possible. But he was equally sure Alain would quickly end their acquaintance if he knew what it was that Josh wanted from him.

Josh had to be twice as careful. In the first place, they had to avoid standing out; even though the president promised to leave them alone, Josh didn't entirely trust him. It was better to be extra cautious. It meant - Josh sighed - the end of his visits in the fourth-years' wing. Just as he started to get used to Alain's room... It seemed to him he could remember its smell...

The corners of his lips twitched, for a first time in a longer while.

Encounters elsewhere on the campus were surely safe - only occasional, of course. They could talk in school corridors as well... Josh was already scanning through the possible locations. Oh, the library would be great - but how could he drag Alain to the library? He decided to think about that challenge later. As for another places... Well, he could only hope they wouldn't run into unwanted people in the town. Like hell he was going to give up their 'dates'!

His mind flew back to meeting with Alain, and he had the well known funny feeling inside. He smiled, for now he was able to, again. Today, Alain had been... It was hard to define it, but he'd seemed more open, friendly, not so... distrustful. A bit more relaxed. Josh recalled the image of him in his mind. Alain, just like Josh, had been wearing a white shirt, open-necked, with sleeves rolled up. His hair, thin and limp before cutting, seemed more fluffy and thick now. During a sunny day like today his green eyes were so bright they appeared to have a light on their own. Josh gulped. Today, Alain Corail was the most handsome man in the world to him.

Josh felt he was calming down after the dramatic events. 'Everything will be fine,' he told himself. Paradoxically, he started to be happy with the fact Alain was going to graduate in two months: no student council president would be able to do anything to them any more, and they would meet at will.

He grabbed the assigned book and an apple, and returned to the sun; it was better to read outside. He sat down under the tree - a spot he had a view to the fourth-years' wing from (a coincidence, wasn't it?) - and settle down to reading.

* * *

_Melanie C, "Northern Star"_


	7. Chapter 7

**7.**   
_**(wyczuć taką chwilę, w której kocha się życie)** _

* * *

Josh spent the rest of the weekend reading and writing the assigned essay. On Sunday, that was Palm Sunday, he went to the city to see the procession. He finished the essay on Monday, and on Tuesday he had the maths test, from which he left quite content. Wednesday was rather effortless: only literature in the morning and history of art followed by art class in the afternoon; besides, it was the last school day before a holiday, so the atmosphere was already quite relaxed. Josh didn't care about holiday as much as his friends; he was too focused on his problems. As he'd resolved, he didn't attract the student council president's attention, as well as he kept 'accidentally' running into Alain. He planned to do it today, too, which wasn't difficult since he'd already memorised Alain's timetable. On Wednesdays, Alain's classes ended the same time Josh's did, so they 'ran' into each other in the main hall. Luckily, the president's class had different timetable, and thus there was a chance they wouldn't be noticed. Josh hoped the guy hadn't hired spies who could inform him on Josh's and Alain's doing. 'No, Joshua Or, really. You're starting to develop paranoia,' he thought.

"I think I passed the test pretty well," he told Alain as they were heading for the exit.

"That's good," Alain nodded.

"Regarding our deal," Josh went on, "we have to change the plan. Can we fix the time now and meet in the patisserie?" Alain gave him a questioning look. "It seems my presence in your wing is unwanted," Josh explained with a sigh.

Alain knitted his brows. "Who told you something like this?" he asked, and the concern in his voice sounded genuine.

Josh calmed down sudden flutter of his heart. "Student council president."

"As if that jerk has some say in this," Alain replied, strengthening up to his full height.

Josh held back his smile, as well as a sudden urge to hug Alain. Instead, he shook his head. "He iis/i a student council president," he said reluctantly. "Besides, I wasn't planning to bother you any more, so there's no problem."

"I see," was Alain's answer, and it seemed to Josh there was some offence to it.

He must have misheard it.

"I mean... I know you're busy with your studying, final year and all..." he rushed to explain. "I really appreciate it that you agreed to help me. I'll ask for your assistance again, for sure... If it's not a problem," he added quickly. "I just don't want to run into troubles."

Alain nodded again, but his next words surprised Josh, "I think I'll have a little chat with mister president."

"No, you really don't-"

"I don't like it when someone picks on with whom I want to spend my time," Alain continued, and something flickered in his eyes unpleasantly.

Josh fell speechless, and he was only looking at him, blinking. It was as if Alain had just confessed his love to him; he had admitted he _wanted_ to spend his time with _him!_ It was a real progress! Josh would cherish it in the ensuing days...

But he had to stay alert. Alain didn't realize... "I suppose it's the matter of the regulations," he tried to dissuade Alain, once he regained his speech. Alain's expression was clearly saying he didn't give a damn about the regulations, and never had. 'Oh, my weak heart, calm down,' Josh thought. "There's no use breaking the rules just before the end of school year."

To tell the truth, he wasn't sure whether visiting the students of different years was forbidden, but in this case he even wished for it to be truth. If the president was so hooked on the students' respecting the school regulations - and he _should_ , after all - it was worth not to break them, especially in his presence, in order to not provide him a reason to be interested in them two.

Alain finally nodded in agreement, but he didn't seem very content. Ah, that rebellious nature of his... Josh admitted he missed it, a bit. A sudden thought crossed his mind: he accepted all Alain's sides - the distrustful and withdrawn one, the friendly and warm one, and the delinquent one... He felt like smiling.

"Then, what time is OK? Six p.m.? Thursday next week," he reminded Alain. 'Eight days,' he told himself.

Alain nodded again, just like he used to. Even his reticence stopped bothering Josh, especially that, once he spoke, he usually talked sense. 'While I only talk _nonsense_ ,'Josh sighed inwardly. "See you then! Ah!" he remembered. "Have you left your watch for repair?" he asked, tilting his head.

"I have," Alain replied. "I'll have it back tomorrow."

Josh showed him a thumb up. "Everything is okay, then," he grinned. "Happy Easter," he added with a sudden inspiration and ran for the exit, hearing a quiet "Happy Easter" behind.

With it, he had no reason to feel down, even if he had a whole week without a chance to even throw a glance at Alain in prospect. There were no classes, so they wouldn't meet at school. It was unlikely they met in the yard, for they had nothing to do there. He had 'no entry' to the fourth-years' wing, which he had implemented himself. It would be an entirely different thing if the president went on holiday - but Josh couldn't really hope for it.

It couldn't be helped. He would survive, somehow. He would have a lot of time; he should use it for thinking - about Alain, of course. Or, maybe he should devote himself to some creative act and give shape to his longing? Ha ha. His sole creative activity was making planes from the tests he had passed...

Thoughtful, he was slowly walking through the yard, when someone's arms embraced him from behind. Instinctively, he elbowed the aggressor in the ribs - not too strong, though. "Erwin, it's ages," he muttered with little enthusiasm.

"How did you know it was me?" Erwin released him, faking a surprise.

"Everyone else thinks I'm a pervert they better stay away from," Josh retorted provocatively.

Erwin frowned. "What's happened? You know you shouldn't care..."

"I know, I know," Josh waved his hand. "I don't care about them."

Erwin was still giving him an intent look, brows knitted. "We haven't talked in a while. I was quite busy..." he said, lowering his eyes in embarrassment.

"Well, spring is the time for lovers," Josh said, both forgivingly and mercilessly. "By the way, how is Cecile?"

Erwin blushed, but his eyes sparkled. He looked around and then leaned towards Josh. "Can you believe she invited me to the Easter dinner?" he asked in an undertone.

"Is this some kind of a secret?" Josh riposted ironically.

"Nah..." Erwin minced. "But, you know... I've never spent holidays with a girl."

"You will manage," Josh patted him on the shoulder. "But I can see you're happy," he noticed, and his eyes flashed.

"I am," Erwin grinned. "But, now is the best. Listen. You're invited as well," he declared contentedly.

Josh's eyes grew wider. "Me? Why?" he asked, surprised. "Cecile can't stand me."

"Now, now. Of course she likes you. There's no-one who could not like you," Erwin said with disarming frankness, and Josh felt warmth inside, even though Erwin's straightforwardness was somewhat embarrassing.

"I bet many would disagree with you... Never mind. Then, why am I invited, too?"

Erwin looked very pleased with himself. "You know I frequent there for Sunday dinners, don't you?" Josh nodded. "I think her parents took liking to me, especially her mother. Well, they invited me for Easter, too."

"I suppose you were so moved you cried?"

"Well, no. But I said I'd always dreamt of it when living in the dorms and spending holidays alone."

"But you always went home for holidays," Josh pointed out.

"Now, the details. Anyway, I said, 'All students who have to spent their holidays in the dorms, dream of it.' Cecile's mum clasped her hands and asked, 'You're not allowed to visit your homes?' I answered, 'Not everyone have their home.' Mrs Perle, who almost burst in tears, started to wipe her eyes and said, 'But now you're not living in the dorms any more, sonny.' I slyly said, 'Ah, my best friend still lives there. He has no parents nor relatives.' Mrs Perle could no longer hide her tears and exclaimed, 'Bring him along! We'll have a place for him, too.'

Josh blinked. Erwin's wholeheartedness could shock even him.

"Thus, you're invited," Erwin summed up, beaming.

Josh sighed. "So, I should go there as a poor orphan?" he asked mockingly.

"Come one. You'll like it," Erwin patted him on the back.

"And what about Cecile?"

"What do you mean?"

"She simply concurred and didn't object?"

"Why should she object?" Erwin was surprised.

"Maybe she wanted to have you all for herself?" Josh noticed bitingly.

Erwin stopped smiling. "Why are you saying it? You're not going to come?" he asked, frowning again.

"Oh, damn it. Of course I'm coming!" Josh rushed to ensure him. There was no need he made Erwin upset. "I just... I am somewhat shocked. I didn't expect this," he explained truthfully.

It seemed Erwin didn't know whether he should smile again. He nodded slowly. "I thought you'd be happy," he said. "I didn't consider-"

"Now, come on." Apparently, he hadn't convinced Erwin yet. "Erwin, we've been knowing each other for a long time, haven't we? You know I'm happy with something like this. It's been ages since I spent a holiday with someone, remember?"

Erwin nodded again, and then he smiled shyly. "In that case, we're seeing each other at 2 p.m. on Sunday. Ah, wait, I'll write you the address!" He reached into his bag, took out a scrap of paper and a pen and scribbled the street name, as well as the house number. "It's almost in the city centre. Oh, maybe we even meet in the church?" he asked, giving Josh the paper.

"Who knows... But the church will be full," Josh pointed out.

The next moment he found himself in Erwin's embrace again. "I'm glad you'll come."

Josh sighed - but he couldn't deny he was happy, too.

Erwin let him go. "I'm off. I have... an appointment," he explained, blushing.

Josh rolled his eyes. "Say hello to Cecile," he threw in casually.

Erwin blushed even more. "I will," he muttered, and then he was gone.

Josh shook his head. When had Erwin become so energetic? Josh had always regarded him as a phlegmatic, and now - just look, only wings were lacking on his back. Apparently, that was what love made with a person. Josh had some experience with it, too, although _he_ had always been energetic and liked to be on the move. As for love... Well, he _had_ been in love, and four times already, counting one-sided, too. Regarding the current one, he was determined to change it into something more. He turned back and looked in the direction he'd seen Alain for the last time...

Eight days. Maybe he should cross out the calendar...? On his way to the room, he tried to make some plan for the following week. To think that the holiday had to fall right now, when he had so much on his head! But he couldn't do anything about it, so there was no use getting frustrated. He could read the books from the reading list, so that he would have it cleared. Well, it didn't sound that bad. The problem was that, if he read one per day, he would still have a lot of free time. Well, he could take notes, for instance...

Josh stopped dead and wondered when he had become such a diligent student. Apparently, love could do even this.

Books, books... In fact, he could look into _those_ books. If he had a firm resolve to - let's say it straight - seduce Alain Corail, he might as well brush up on this matter. So that he wouldn't be like Robert Jade, who, evidently, only after he'd got down to doing it, understood his own ignorance. Really, some people lacked imagination...

It reminded him he wanted to meet with Georges Saphir and ask about the guy's experiences with Alain - but would he have a chance? It would be good if he spotted him during High Mass. Maybe he could talk to him afterwards. There was no doubt that saintly Georges would be present. He was likely to stand in the front and sing hymns.

But, he reflected, it seemed Saphir wasn't that saintly, if Jade had an urgent need to enlarge his knowledge of that particular matter... Not that Josh was very interested in it, but sometimes he wondered how far those two had already got. Jade wouldn't tell him, of course, but Josh didn't plan to ask him either. He couldn't get rid of the feeling of jealousy at the thought they were doing something he could only dream of. It was almost... not fair. Judging from Jade's words, neither of them had even been pondering on their sexual orientation neither identifying themselves as gays; all it had simply... _happened_ to them. _Some people are lucky,_ he thought with some resentment. On the other hand, he - aware of his sexuality since junior high school and relentlessly striving to satisfy it - remained so very unfulfilled. Frustrating, indeed.

Well, one day his bad luck would end, and he would work toward ending it with Alain. He had to be an optimist. If Alain had never had a girlfriend, but he'd assaulted Georges Saphir for a reason only he knew, Josh had even more chances. Although, he thought somewhat reluctantly, if they were only to sit and hold hands until the end of their lives, he would accept it, too.

Probably.

He tossed the bag on the chair, fell on the bed and, staring in the ceiling, mused over his feelings. He loved Alain, it was clear to him - like it always was whenever he felt like this. He had never been afraid nor he hesitated to admit how he felt. It was with contempt - and impatience - that he looked at his schoolmates who kept struggling in the small cages of their minds and needs, unable to see the heart of the matter or call things by their name. If Josh had ever valued anything about himself, it was being honest with himself. It made many things easier.

Back to topic, though... Well. Alain fascinated Josh, attracted him - and inspired a lot of tender loving care in him. Like today, when he'd evidently bothered about Josh's problem he didn't even know about. What Josh wanted most was to get close to Alain and reach the point they would no longer be considered two _individuals_ , but they would be _together_ instead. Josh wanted to express his love in so many ways; with his presence, that could be a source of comfort and peace, and strength, and support for Alain - a reason to feel good; with his respect and admiration, and consideration and compassion - that's why he had to get close to and get to know Alain. Finally, he wanted to provide Alain with the intimacy. Books were books, but it was the thought that mattered. He was sure he would be so happy, discovering Alain's body until he knew it all, to the last, and he would leave his mark on every part, a peculiar 'I was here'. How could Alain's skin feel to the touch? They had never touched - and there was nothing Josh desired more than being touched by Alain's big hands. Alain would cup his face, and then he would go down, on the neck, on the chest through the clavicles and ribs, down and down...

He swallowed and covered his face with one arm.

On the other hand, Easter didn't seem the best time for studying _this_ matter. Josh gave himself five minutes and set about making a more proper plan for the holiday.

* * *

_To feel the moment when you love the life - Buzu Squat, "Nasze przebudzenie"_


	8. Chapter 8

**8.**   
_**(Niech w święto radosne Paschalnej Ofiary)** _

* * *

On Holy Thursday morning, Josh was waked by a peculiar silence dwelling in the dorms. Most students had left on holiday, and the campus emptied. It wasn't anything new for Josh - since he'd started studying here, he'd been spending all holidays alone, and he could perfectly manage his free time - but now it was with some melancholy that he was looking at the deserted gardens. _When you're really alone, you pay no attention to such things; but when you have someone who's important to you, it's with them you'd like to spend such time._

'What is this depression, Joshua Or?' he asked himself, shaking his head to raise his spirits. 'You simply have to made it so that the next time would be spent together.'

The problem was that, at the moment, he had no chance to _make_ it. He would see Alain no sooner than in a week... A whole week. He wouldn't bear it.

He closed the book and got up from his spot under the lime, where he had a view to the fourth-years' wing. He wouldn't bear it. He didn't give a hoot about the student council president. He would go to Alain - only to see him, look at him, have a word with him... It wasn't a sin. All people did it, so why wasn't he allowed? The longing to only have a glance at Alain was unbearable.

He took a step - and stopped. And then he sat down, resigned.

He couldn't. He couldn't ruin everything due to his egoism. He had to be patient. Patience wasn't his strongest point, but he had to.

He sighed and opened a book again. Only know he noticed he'd clenched it so tightly, he'd crumpled the cover. He swallowed and returned to reading - with the thought he would soon become a saint.

* * *

On Holy Friday morning, he was waked by the rain banging in the window. Sometime in the night, the weather had changed; until yesterday, it had been warm and sunny, but now the rain was whipping, and the wind was moving the tree-tops and branches. 'A proper weather for Holy Friday,' Josh thought, dressing.

That meant no reading outside today; he had to stay in his room. Depressing. He didn't consider himself particularly sensitive to the changes of the weather, but today... somehow... he didn't feel good.

It was so dark inside, he wondered whether he should turn the light on. In the end, he pushed a chair near the window and curled up on it, book in his hand. However, he couldn't focus on reading, so, after a while, he put the volume on the desk and stared at the grey scenery behind the window.

When his grandfather had died... It'd been raining, too, at his funeral, and the wind had been strong as well; Josh had a dim recollection of it. Maybe it was the reason why he felt so lonely today? Now that he thought about it... Yeah, it could be this. He remembered Erwin had used to complain at the bad weather _and_ at Josh's terrible behaviour at the same time. During the rainy days, Josh had been trying to find himself something to do - even more than normally. No wonder Erwin couldn't put up with him; it must have been damn hard. Studying had been doomed to failure, so he wouldn't even try - but it'd been those days he couldn't go outside that the wildest ideas would came to his mind. He would put them into effect at once, and he would end getting called on the patron's carpet.

Ha.

Maybe he'd believed that, once he'd stopped and started thinking, nothing good would follow?

He put his arms on the windowsill and rested his chin on them. Suddenly, he longed for those people: grandfather, the patron... They had disappeared for ever, leaving him alone. Oh, of course, he had Erwin, he had his love for Alain, but... It didn't lessen the unpleasant feeling in his chest. If he managed to be with Alain one day, he would like to stay with him for ever.

He wouldn't stand another parting.

He had learned to be independent, and he thought he was doing well without others' help - but, deep inside, he desperately longed for someone who would be only his. Someone he could be a special person to, too. Now he couldn't even imagine anyone else than Alain Corail as this 'someone'.

He had decided to get close to Alain - but what if he failed? Wouldn't it be better, then, to let that love stay one-sided? For certain, it would be more smart and safe that way. To only look from afar and be happy with every glance at Alain. To dream - and to know that dreams were only dreams, beautiful as they last. What chance he had? What guarantee that his plans and aspirations would ever come true - since all he'd had so far had come to naught? None. It would be much easier to regard Alain as an object unobtainable for him and make do with his existence only.

The pain in his chest wouldn't leave.

It was too late for this. He could decide all he fancied, but it was the incontrovertible fact that his heart was bursting to Alain like it had never been bursting to anyone. And not only his heart. Most in the world, he wanted to find himself in Alain's embrace, be reflected in his eyes, touch him... Become one. He felt dizzy at the very thought, and his body was on fire at once. He wanted to be with him in so many ways. He couldn't imagine another option. His feelings had long since turned from simple infatuation into a mixture of love, passion, desire, devotion... Common sense had nothing to say. Even if he were to become hurt, even if he were to become rejected... he couldn't give up on fighting for Alain. His life amounted to that love - like always before, and so very different now.

Maybe it was what growing up meant?

His heart was beating fast, and he was trembling. He took some deep breaths, then he clutched his fists and opened them again. Slowly, the feeling diminished. After a while, he could take a book again. He leafed a few pages back and started to read the chapter anew.

* * *

Holy Saturday was cloudy, but it wasn't raining any more, only spitting from time to time. Josh took a morning walk around the campus. The air was fresh and cool, so he zipped his jacket up and slid his hands into the pockets, feeling the gust on his face. Humid wind blew through his hair. The sky was grey, and the landscape under it seemed colourless, too, but Josh could feel the energy behind this dull scenery.

Yesterday, it had seemed that whole life had vanished off the face of earth - the only people he'd met were his schoolmates in the canteen, as subdued as himself - but today he sensed the surroundings in an entirely different way. Something was waking up. From the grove, a quiet trill of the bird cut through the wind noise. Flowers were nestling together in the beds, but what struck Josh was their persistence that made them survive the storm. They were still here - and they would yet please the eye on sunny days.

The fourth-years' wing was silent. A black cat stole by the wall. Josh was looking at Alain's window for a while, then he turned back and left, evading puddles as gracefully as the cat.

* * *

Easter Sunday was sunny, but windy. Light and dark clouds were rolling by the blue sky. It was warmer, although the heat had yet to return. Josh headed towards the cathedral in a crowd going for the High Mass. He didn't consider himself a very religious person - or, in fact, a believer - he didn't even attend the weekly mass in the campus, but the Easter High Mass was a different thing. Josh could never resist the feeling of that particular elation whenever he entered the adorned church and then participated in the celebration.

The cathedral was filled to capacity, people of Idealo wearing their bests, and the atmosphere was solemn... Sunlight kept looking inside through the high windows, illuminating the altar. The choir was singing hymns, and what thrilled Josh most was _Victimae paschali laudes_ , sung before the Gospel... He joined other people in singing and simply enjoyed the fact he was here with others. Sometimes, he wondered where that feeling originated from - after all, normally he did perfectly well alone - and never could find an answer. Maybe, in that particular time, it was easier to believe he, too, was one of the children God held in His hand? It was somewhat... reassuring.

After the mass, he made it to the church square, where people were exchanging Eastern greetings to the accompaniment of the bells. Joyful buzz was to be heard everywhere, the wind was blowing through hairs, dresses and cloaks, carrying off the quiet laughter and wishes. Josh spotted several familiar faces; in the church he had no luck - due to his height he couldn't use - but here was more spacious.

"Happy Easter!" came from behind him, and someone patted him on the shoulder.

He turned back, surprised, and squinted. There were standing Robert Jade and Georges Saphir - so different and so alike. Radiating such an energy that only someone completely dense could not read that message, 'We're together.' Well, most people were dense. Josh blinked. "Happy Easter," he replied, for he didn't know what else he should say.

Saphir smiled gently, and Josh felt a sudden and unexpected urge to hide and only look from afar. An angel. 'Blimey! A real angel," he thought, unable to tear his eyes off the guy. The sun appeared from behind clouds again and cast a beam on the slender figure, making him even more ethereal. Windblown fair hair seemed to form a halo around the face, so serene and gentle. Green eyes - so different from Alain's or even Erwin's - were gazing with understanding and goodwill. Only wings were lacking, to complete the picture of perfection. Josh felt little and inconspicuous... And his next thought was, 'How Jade managed to pick up someone like this? And why someone like this ever took note of Jade, to begin with?' It felt as if he was staring at the absolute beauty and goodness.

"Robert told me you wanted to talk with me," Saphir spoke, and then Josh realized his mistake.

Although Saphir's voice was kind, and his words quiet, what Josh had heard in the first place was the deep the boy had said Jade's name with. Maybe it was only his imagination, but suddenly Josh was under the impression that, whenever Georges was saying this name, he confessed his affection at the same time. He felt dizzy.

No, Georges wasn't a saint angel, not at all. It was likely that even here and now - right after the Easter Mass - he was filled with the same emotions that filled Josh whenever he thought of Alain. He took his eyes off Saphir and looked at them both, together. They were standing side by side, although they didn't touch. Nothing in their conduct or manners wouldn't draw an outsider's attention - but for Josh it was clear as sun that, had it been not for those people around, Jade would've wrapped his arm around Saphir's slender shoulders, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And Saphir would've been willing to do even more daring things if there had been a need to prove their bond.

Georges stopped smiling and gave Robert a perplexed look. Josh realized he was only standing and gaping. Blast it... "Sorry...! We weren't introduced before," he rushed to explain and reached out to him. "Joshua Or from the parallel class... Well, we've meet each other several times on the campus," he reminded.

Georges shook hands with him, and a smile stretched his lips, although he was still frowning slightly. "Georges Saphir," he said warmly. "Robert told me you've been helping him with... Actually, what exactly might you be doing?" he gave Robert an inquiring look again.

"We talk about-"

"We talk about various things," Jade interrupted him. He managed not to blush, which was quite a feat, for him. "Joshua is Alain's friend," he added, as if he'd just remembered.

"Oh," Saphir commented in a low voice, looking at Josh again, and now there was some concern in his eyes. "How is he? Is he all right?"

Josh couldn't utter a word. What Jade had said was pretty nice, but he didn't consider himself Alain's friend yet; there was still a long way. He nodded.

"I hoped to see him today. Maybe I should pay him a visit on the campus?" Georges asked, more himself than anyone else.

It was so obvious what kind of relationship Saphir and Jade had, that Josh's all doubts were dispelled. He had no reason to be jealous of Georges Saphir. It was quite a relief.

In the meantime, Saphir was looking at Jade, and Jade was looking at Saphir. They seemed to forget about the world around, and now Josh could clearly see that Georges' eyes were reflecting Robert. All that angelic serenity resulted from Saphir's love - and from Robert's love for him. If it had been not for Robert, Georges might have felt insecure and at a loss. Like that time, when he and Josh had run into each other on the campus behind the fourth-years' wing, Saphir appearing as if he couldn't tell up from down.

He cleared his throat. Jade and Saphir twitched and then, at the same time, looked at him. Observing them was quite entertaining - but, at the same time, it created a funny feeling in his stomach.

Jade ran one hand through his hair. "Joshua wanted to speak with you about Alain, precisely," he said, back in the reality.

Georges knitted his brows again. Josh nodded. "I won't take you much time... There's something I want to ask you." He looked around. "But we don't have to stand here. Can we go there?" he pointed at the park nearby.

Saphir nodded. They managed to find a free bench, probably because most people were going home for dinner. Ah, he was invited to the Perles, too... But this went first.

Saphir and Jade sat down; Josh was too nervous, so he was standing. "Jade, if you don't want to listen to it..." he started, upon realizing it probably wasn't going to be a pleasant talk for Robert.

However, Jade only threw him a glance that spoke clearly he wasn't going to leave here. His position communicated the same; he was resting on the bench negligently, his right arm behind Georges' back and his legs stretched out and crossed at ankles.

Georges' gaze was more and more questioning, even alarmed. Josh took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on the boy's emerald irises.

"I know about Grace," he said outright. "I know she was your sister and Alain's step-sister, as well as," he pointed at Jade, "Robert's friend. I know it is why you had some... troubles with Alain. You don't have to talk about it," he added quickly when Saphir opened his mouth. "It's the business between you two. I only want to ask you about one thing, and I hope you'd like to help me."

Georges waited, staring at him in silence.

"I know that Alain once lost his temper and..." He hadn't expected it would be so hard, but he had to manage somehow. "And something happened between you." Saphir glanced at Jade, and it seemed to Josh there was some resentment in his eyes. Oh. "You know, we're talking a lot with Alain, we're... friends, after all," he rushed to explain, even if it was not true. He would be a scum if he revealed he knew about it from Jade, especially when Jade was trying to help him, in a way. He wasn't that bad, that Robert Jade. "But Alain has never told me what it was that he wanted from you, while it's very important for me to know his reasons."

Georges was silent, his eyes fixed on something far ahead. Only after a while he raised his head and looked at Josh with a painful expression. "Why do you want to know it?" he asked directly.

Josh was prepared for it. "Because I love him," he answered as directly.

Georges' green eyes grew wider, and the silence fell between them again. Josh realized he'd clenched his fists, so he relaxed them. He had said it aloud, and it hadn't sounded that bad. Maybe one day he would muster enough courage to tell it Alain himself...

"I care for him," he said in a lower voice. "I want to get close to him. I want to know if I have any chance, what is he thinking of you, what he wanted to do to you, what..."

He paused as his throat suddenly clenched. Maybe he sounded foolish in Saphir's and Jade's ears... Maybe they considered their love as pure and lofty, and maybe it really was such... But for him, _this_ was also important... Emotions welled up in him, so intense he got scared he would burst in tears any moment. He lowered his head and squeezed the eyes shut. He took some deep breath and wrapped his arms around himself to calm down.

"It was when I went to Alain to speak with him," a gentle voice reached him. "Maybe I should have been more cautious, but I didn't believe him to do anything to me. And he didn't. Nothing happened," Georges said with emphasis. Josh kept his eyes shut, but he was listening to every word.

A rustle, someone moved restlessly. "I had better wait by the church," Jade's voice was hesitant.

"Stay," was Saphir's immediate reply. "Please."

Josh could visualize Georges seizing Jade by the hand and stopping him from leaving. However, he didn't expect the touch on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and saw Saphir's kind face. "Joshua, do sit down," Georges said, pulling him towards the bench.

Josh squatted on its edge, ready to jump up any moment. He couldn't relax.

"Don't try to fight against the world alone," Saphir went on.

"But I've always been alone," Josh replied automatically.

"I don't believe it," was the reply lit up by a smile. "Everyone has important people by their side... But I'm not here to preach at you," Saphir checked himself. "Nothing happened that time. Alain tried... tried to kiss me," he said quietly. A suppressed sigh came from Jade. "I don't know why. He was so unhappy... shut in his pain... I suppose he was fighting, for a long time. Alone," he added with some reproach. "Anyway, I'm not going to blame him for anything. Besides... It was as if he didn't see me there at all," he speculated warily. "We were talking about Grace, so... Maybe Alain saw her in me." He turned to Jade. "Like many before and after him."

Jade was silent for a while. "Joshua once suggested it," he spoke finally, selecting his words carefully, "and he could be right... Now that I think about it, it seems possible that Alain was in love... with Grace. He often stressed it how they weren't real siblings... I preferred not to think about it 'cause... 'Cause I liked Grace... myself. I preferred to see Alain only as her brother since, for me, it was more... convenient. But such a girl like Grace would impress any guy. She was good and wise, and strong, and sensitive..." He paused, apparently lost in memories.

"Does it mean," Josh asked quietly, "that Alain... fell in love with Georges?"

Saphir shook his head. "I don't think so. Nothing indicated it," he replied whole-heartedly. "Apart from that one time, Alain never behaved this way again. It was as if understood I wasn't Grace."

Josh tried to draw some conclusion from what he'd heard, but he couldn't. His mind was running in circles.

"I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't run from him," Georges continued. "Would Alain have realized his mistake?" Josh clenched his fingers on the fabric of trousers. "No use asking; I suppose he doesn't know the answer, either. It is likely he no longer remembers the whole thing."

Josh felt he was back to square one; he still had no idea as to what had driven Alain to... And what had he endured all this for?

"One thing is for sure, though," Saphir's clear voice broke into his thoughts. "That time, one year ago, that very moment, Alain Corail was ready to do everything to me. It didn't matter whether I was a guy or a girl."

Josh looked at him, not really understanding. "What do you mean...?"

A faint blush coloured Saphir's cheeks, but it was Jade who answered, "In other words, that bastard was ready to knock you, right?" He banged his fist on the bench. "Damn him!"

"Robert!"

Josh was regarding them, his eyes round. Georges turned to him and said with an apologetic smile, "He wanted me. Physically," he qualified, as if it weren't clear. "I didn't realized it then, but later it became obvious to me. Thus, if we wish to draw some conclusion from it, the only would be such that Alain has nothing against the guys. And that's what you wanted to know, isn't it?" he noticed very cleverly.

Josh only stared at him, silent, blinking and trying to accept what he'd just heard.

Then... In the end, he had a chance... It was really all the same to Alain... He covered his face with both hands, absolutely sure he wouldn't be able to hold back his tears. He hadn't expected... He hadn't expected to feel such a relief... During last days - it wasn't even two weeks since his revelation - he'd been simply realizing his plan, intention, goal... only hoping and feeding on this hope... Now...

He bit his lips, as they started to tremble. "Thank you," he uttered, taking his hands away.

Georges put a hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye. His smile was dazzling. "I hope you make Alain finally find happiness," he said quietly. "I care for him, too. He's like... well, he's almost my brother, too," he added even more quietly. Josh nodded. "Good luck. You look like a determined person to me, much more than myself. I'm certain you'll do it," he encouraged.

"I told him exactly the same thing," came from Jade's direction. The words were spoken in quite nonchalant manner, but Josh was grateful nonetheless.

"Thanks, both of you," he said, wiping his eyes. "Really, thank you."

"If I'm correct, Alain is graduating soon?" Georges remembered. "You have to hurry and try to-"

"I've been hurrying and trying to for two weeks already," Josh interrupted him, his voice quavering. "It's all his fault!" he pointed the accusatory finger at Jade, but he couldn't help smiling.

"Very praiseworthy," Jade commented, stretching on the bench.

"I'm sure it will take you less time than... us," Georges blushed again.

"By the way, how it was with us?" Josh inquired. There was no trace of tears on his face.

"At first, I couldn't stand him... And he couldn't stand me, either" Georges replied lively. "But then he... I... we..." he started to falter, and his face fell. In the end he turned red and fell silent.

"Anyway, everything ended well," Jade summed up. "But it wasn't the topic of this talk. In fact, we're in hurry, and it's not that I say you goodbye, but we have to go."

"Robert!" Georges exclaimed with indignation.

"We've only one hour before the dinner," Robert reminded him, lowering his voice, "and we planned to... And visit the cemetery, too."

Georges blushed to the roots of his hair and got up. "I'm glad we talked," he turned to Georges warmly, reaching out to him.

"Me too. Thank you," Josh got up as well and shook his hand. He was thinking for a while. "Does... Grace lie in Idealo?" he asked.

Georges looked at Robert, and then his gaze returned to Josh. "Yes. Do you want to come with us?" he proposed.

Josh nodded hesitantly. He didn't know the reason why suddenly he wanted to see the place Grace rested. In some way, she's become and important person to him, although only two weeks ago he's had no idea about her. Maybe he wanted to make sure she'd passed away and wouldn't come back? No, it was so low on his part - and only a moment ago he'd relished the overwhelming feeling that all people were his friends, and the world was beautiful and good.

Apparently, he was a wicked person if he felt jealous of Grace. Maybe he shouldn't go...

"You know, when I learned about her, I was jealous," Georges seemed to read his thoughts. Robert snorted. "When looking at me, all people saw her... Even Robert," he said somewhat bitingly, and Jade turned sideways. "She must have been an exceptional person if she turned both Robert's and Alain's heads..." he added with some sadness.

"She was," Jade confirmed bluntly, "But she's gone now, so would you please stop moping?"

Georges laughed quietly. "I'm not moping..."

Josh felt almost abashed by the way those two treated one another. They were direct, they joked and were able to say easy and difficult things, at the same time. He wished he could speak with Alain that way: not watching his mouth, not holding back all the time - only trust him and trust himself. For now, he was under the impression...

"Georges... Did you, too, use to handle Robert with kid gloves?" he asked before he thought.

Both of them turned to him, then looked at each other and burst out laughing. Josh blushed. He had once more made a fool of himself...

"To tell the truth..." Georges mused after he'd stopped laughing. "From the beginning, we were very direct with each other," he decided. "But not the way you think," he rushed to explain. "There was some... How can I put it... I wanted to become his friend, but I felt he did all he could to become my opponent. That time, we used to tell many things to each other, but now that I think about, there were not exactly those things we really wanted to say."

"For my part, I always told him what I wanted," Robert threw in. "What I liked most was teasing him and throwing him off-balance."

"You were very good at this," Georges gave him a wide smile, and it seemed they forgot about Josh again. "But it did me good. You knew me better than I knew myself, right from the start," he added in a lower voice. "Still, what crowned our friendship was when I smacked him in the face," he confessed, turning to Josh again.

"What?"

Jade rubbed his left cheek and didn't look that happy.

"He made me awfully upset," Georges replied with an angelic smile.

That very moment, Josh decided that Georges Saphir was the most amazing person in the world. If he weren't, how could he reconcile such opposites about himself?

He stopped, trying to gather his chaotic thoughts.

No, of course he didn't plan to hit Alain - although he really felt like shaking him to get some reaction to himself, from time to time. Still, he couldn't help wondering about the intimacy those two had if they could do even such things. On the other hand, if they were sleeping with each other...

He blushed and shook his head. He wouldn't think about it now.

"Something's not right?" Georges stopped and saw Josh was lagging behind.

"No, nothing," Josh rushed to answer, trying to drive away the evil visions, and caught up with them.

By the entrance, his companions bought flowers, and a moment later all three of them were standing on Grace's grave.

'She was only eighteen,' Josh thought, staring at the inscription on the stone. Now that he was here, he felt no jealousy, only sorrow that one's life had faded so soon. 'Rest in peace, Alain's sister. I'll take care of him.'

He looked to the side; Georges and Robert were silent, in their thoughts, and never before had they looked so united like now. He averted his eyes not to disturb their... grief? He supposed there was much more to Grace's story they had told him. Let it stay their secret, he decided, holding back a sigh. For a moment, they seemed much more mature than him.

The bell struck two. Josh twitched and wondered why it had startled him. Ah! The dinner at the Perles'!

"I must dash!" he told his companions. "I thank you, Robert, Georges, again, for everything!" They nodded in reply. "Happy Easter!" he called, waving at them.

As fast as he could, he got out of the cemetery and ran to Cotton Street in order to be no more late he already was.

* * *

_Christians, to the Paschal victim offer your thankful praises! - "Victimae paschali laudes"_


	9. Chapter 9

**9.**   
_**(you're the one without fear)** _

* * *

In normal circumstances, despite his usual self-assurance, Josh would've been nervous - after all, he'd been invited to the formal dinner by people he didn't even know - today, however, he was far too preoccupied by different things to worry about it. He stopped by the door, calming his breath after running, before he rang the bell. He straightened his clothing and ran fingers through his hair. Erwin would scold him if he came here, looking like a slob.

'The Perles must be quite wealthy,' he thought, following the maid to the main hall. The house was rather big, two-storey. Décor seemed a bit kitschy, with ancient-style sculptures, but in general the place made a nice impression. He entered the living room, sunlit and decorated with light colours, and the first thing he saw was Erwin's gaze, promising they would get even later.

"Mister Joshua Or," the maid announced him and stepped aside.

Josh bowed to the Perles', so deeply that his hair bounced around his head. "I apologize for being late!" he called, straightening up. "I was... at the cemetery... and didn't realized how late it was."

"Oh, is it that time already?" Mrs Perle, plump blonde in a rose dress, asked with a polite surprise, although the grandfather clock in the corner showed it was already ten past two. "We've become lost in conversation with dear Erwin..."

'Dear Erwin' tried to hide his crooked smile, while Cecile smothered her laugh.

Mr Perle, slender, moustached, auburn-haired man in a grey suit, rose from the sofa and approached Josh, reaching out to him. "Raymond Perle," he introduced himself. "Here is my wife, Prune."

Josh shook hands with both of them, deciding they seemed rather nice. He nodded to Cecile, who, for once, wasn't giving him a provocative look, like she used to. However, she moved closer to Erwin, and Josh suppressed a sigh. She must have known that Josh was no threat to her. Surely, she knew. Erwin was head over heels in love with her, but, apparently, it wasn't enough for her. Well, she was a girl, after all.

"Thank you for invitation," he said, turning to her parents again.

Mrs Perle lifted her hand to her mouth, which - as he had yet to learn - was her habit whenever she was excited. Which was practically all the time. "I suggest we sit down to table," Mr Perle spoke in a deep voice, offering his wife his arm.

'They respect each other,' Josh noticed as they were walking to the dining room, 'maybe they even are still in love with each other...' Well, Cecile must have taken after one of them, that constancy in the affection of her. It'd been already two years since she and Erwin had met and - if one could believe them - fallen in love with each other. Josh held back another sigh. It was so easy, in their case - and how much work _he_ had to do, not even knowing whether he would succeed?

 _Stop, what are those doubts?_ He had just learned something that made his chance of success shoot up. Alain had nothing against the men and seemed to like him a bit; it was more than enough to have hope.

They sat down to table in a traditional manner - or so it seemed to Josh, who had never participated in a normal family dinner - with Mr and Mrs at the heads, and the younger ones to the sides. Erwin was sitting next to Cecile, and Josh opposite them, with garden door behind his back. And then the dinner started - undoubtedly, the most lavish Josh had ever seen. The dishes were delicious, but Josh, actually, had never been picky about food, so he would eat anything he was served. More important was the atmosphere of the meal: a gentleman and a lady, excellent dresses, fine tableware... All of this could easily make Josh uncomfortable. He didn't consider himself a boor, but the high society was a different world to him. He had been growing up in modest conditions, and he wasn't familiar with such a splendour. Grandfather had taught him good manners, but still...

Yet, not even for a moment had he the impression that the ambience was stiff. The Perles were behaving naturally, no-one seemed embarrassed, and the meal was proceeding at a relaxing and leisurely pace. There was nothing to be nervous about, and Josh felt himself unwinding. Only after a while he realized that Cecile's parents must have been generally favourable to the world and people: they treated Erwin kindly, and himself politely, even though they didn't know him at all.

Maybe it wasn't that strange; they _were_ Cecile's parents, after all. The girl, despite her many faults, was okay. Well, she and Josh always teased each other, but it only stood for the sympathy between them. Neither of them would say it aloud, but they knew they could count on each other. Maybe she used to make unrefined jokes about his love life, but he knew she would be the first one to defend him, if needed. He felt the warmth inside. Actually, she was the only girl he'd ever been so familiar with. She had really great heart. He was happy Erwin had chosen her - or she had chosen Erwin, all the same.

Georges' words about everyone having important people around came back to him. He thought he could agree with him.

The dishes kept changing as they were eating unhurriedly. Josh was fascinated by the red wine served with a meal; however, he was drinking carefully, unused to it - in the dorms, they were allowed to drink wine only during Sunday dinners.

"My wife and I, both of us come from the country," Mr Perle was telling Josh. "I own quite a big farm, but agriculture has never been my passion. I was more interested in trade, so I leased the farm and went to the city to try my hand in this business. In the end, I didn't manage to cut off my origin, and now I'm happy with it. My firm sells farm produces, as well as supervises the cooperation with the provinces."

"My husband has really achieved success," Mrs Perle threw in. "For my part, I didn't want to leave the country. I thought the city wasn't a proper place for a small child. It took years until I agreed to move to Idealo. Until then, poor Raymond kept driving between the city and the country," she added with an affectionate smile.

"But you quickly took liked to the city, didn't you, Mama?" Cecile pointed out.

"Idealo is a wonderful place," Mrs Perle admitted. "The city appeared not that scary as I'd believed it to be. And Cecile found her feet much faster than I. She's always been a sharp and lively child. And much more courageous than I," she added with a chuckle.

"But sometimes I miss the country," Cecile confessed. "In the city, you always have to worry about appearances. In the country, you're allowed to be more spontaneous."

'As if you ever worried about appearances,' Josh thought mockingly. In the meaning of spontaneity, Cecile bested even him, even if now she played a little lady. He liked her for this, too: she always spoke her mind. There were not so many girls capable of doing do it.

"What about you, Joshua? Where did you live as a child?" Mrs Perle asked. "You don't come from Idealo, do you...?"

"I was raised in a small city in the south. I came to Idealo to enrol at Saint Grollo junior high. Here is where I met Erwin; we shared the room for three years."

"Erwin mentioned you have no relatives," Mrs Perle said, saddened, and lifted her hand to the mouth. "Forgive me, I shouldn't have."

Josh shook his head. "I was brought up by my grandfather. He died shortly before my coming here. It was him who got me a place in Saint Grollo. I'm very grateful to him..." He was. For many things. He'd rather not imagine his life, had he been forced to stay in the orphanage...

"I believe you've mentioned visiting the cemetery...?" Mrs Perle inquired gently.

Josh shook his head again. "I accompanied some friends. I never had family in Idealo," he answered.

"Have you been thinking of the future?" Mr Perle asked in a serious voice, as if he wanted to change the subject. "You've reached that age already."

"I, for instance, plan to become a professional secretary," Cecile interjected. "I'm of the opinion that women should work. Besides, I don't think Erwin would provide for us with his paltry pay of a teacher."

Erwin choked, and his face turned red. Cecile patted him on the back. Mrs Perle smiled benignly, and her husband's mouth twitched.

"I haven't heard of it yet," Josh said, holding back a smirk. "About that teaching profession," he qualified, for the matrimonial plans of those two were apparently well-known and even approved.

"I'm going... I intend to go to the college of education," Erwin confirmed once he could speak again. "The salary may not be high," he added with the slightest shade of resentment, "but a teacher will always find a job."

"And I'll be proud of you," Cecile added so smoothly that no-one said any more.

Josh was looking at them, blinking. 'They already act like a married couple,' the thought, stunned. Erwin was blushing, but seemed pleased, while Cecile appeared completely natural and relaxed, and only fluttering of her eye-lashes indicated she was moved, too.

It was the second time in a very short period that he'd met two people who, when alone, seemed just two people, but the whole truth about them was revealed when they were together: at that point, they radiated the light nothing could compare with.

Mr Perle cleared his throat, interrupting the moment that, in another circumstances, might be awkward, but here and now, with those people, was like an additional sunbeam during a beautiful day. "It's good you're thinking about your future," the man resumed the topic. "What about you, Joshua?"

Josh stirred. "I... I don't know yet." It was true; he hadn't yet puzzled himself about what he could do in few years, focusing on the present. Maybe Cecile's father was right?

"Josh is sharp," Erwin threw in, apparently content with the fact he was no longer the subject of the talk. "He's very good at the sciences. I won't be surprised if he gets scholarship to university."

Josh gave him a grateful look, although the very idea of himself as a college student was quite abstract. Besides... It would mean to leave Idealo, while it was Idealo where... No, he'd better not think about it.

Mr Perle nodded. "It's praiseworthy, no doubt," he said. "Education is the key to success. If I'd had another chance, I'd considered studying."

Mrs Perle regarded him affectionately. "While I think that if you'd had studied that time, you would've had no time for me at all," she stated with a charm of a teenager.

Now it was Mr Perle who blushed a little and raised a napkin to his mouth. 'They really are in love with each other,' Josh thought, astonished, and lowered his head, trying to chase away the sudden feeling of longing for a similar relationship. Saphir and Jade, Erwin and Cecile, Cecile's parents... All of them had gained something he could only dream of; something that always seemed beyond his reach - happiness of being together and trusting each other. Care, affection and understanding.

He was left out.

"How is it with you, Joshua?" Mrs Perle asked kindly. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Cecile made a sound resembling a suppressed coughing, and Erwin gave her a stern look.

Josh shook his head. "No."

"I can't believe it," Mrs Perle was perplexed. "Such a charming young man... But, well, who can you be popular with in that all-boys school of yours...?" Now, Cecile was evidently fighting off laughter, and Erwin looked as if he was considering covering her mouth. Mrs Perle, unaware of it, went on, "Erwin was really lucky to meet Cecile-"

"Mama! You should have said _I_ was lucky to meet Erwin!" the girl reproached her.

"Well, yes... of course," Mrs Perle seemed confused, "but I meant-"

"In any case, it was impolite," Cecile stuck to her guns.

"Then, please, tell me if Erwin would be pleased to spend his time only with boys in the dorms," her mother didn't give up.

"If he preferred boy-" Cecile blurted, but Josh interrupted her, "I pre-" but had no chance to finish since Mr Perle tapped the spoon against the glass, silencing everyone.

"Calm down," he said gently. "You made the men fell silent," he added, looking at both ladies, who forgot about their guests in excitement. "Joshua, you wanted to say something, didn't you?"

Josh clenched his hands on the napkin in his lap. A moment ago, he'd really planned to say he wasn't interested in girls at all, but a glance on Erwin's face dissuade him from it. Erwin didn't seem pleased with the direction this conversation was heading for, and Josh decided that it was better to keep some things to himself. The Perles appeared nice and kind people, but he didn't really know them. There was no telling how they would react to such a revelation. They could feel bad about having invited someone like him to their place. Or about their daughter and son-in-law-to-be associating with someone like him. He swallowed. It wasn't that he was ashamed - he had nothing to be ashamed of, after all - but it was better to leave that issue unsaid. He didn't want to get Erwin into trouble.

"I... I have yet to meet that special person," he said with a smile. "There's no hurry."

"You see? The lad doesn't bother with trifles," Mr Perle summed up, apparently pleased, and Josh allowed him to interpret his words in such way.

"Papa!" "Darling!" Cecile and her mother called out with indignation.

"What did I say again?" Mr Perle was defending himself against such a sudden attack.

"How can you say that love is a trifle?" Cecile rose up from her seat, her eyes flashing. "Josh!" she turned to him, and he almost jumped up in his chair. "You have to quickly find yourself a bo- a beloved one!" she pointed the finger at him in somewhat accusatory way. "So that my father wouldn't compare me with you and say I think of trifles!"

"Oh dear! I haven't..." Mr Perle bridled.

Cecile sat down and folded her arms, sulky. Josh was blinking, and then, unexpectedly for himself, he smiled. "Well, if Cecile say so... I think I have no choice," he admitted and grinned.

Everyone burst out laughing, even Cecile, who couldn't pout for long.

"Maybe you should go to the town more often?" Mrs Perle didn't want to drop the subject, "Such a handsome boy would surely turn-"

"Mama! Would you please give it a rest? Josh isn't a kid any more," Cecile grew impatient. "He will be okay. Right, Josh?"

He nodded. No-one could sulk in her presence. Besides... she was right: he would be okay. 'Only four days left until the date with Alain,' he thought distractedly. 'Half of what was before.' This thought was invigorating.

At that moment, he was struck by the realization he had so far remained oblivious to. Erwin and Cecile didn't know about his feelings for Alain. At first, it seemed improbable... After all, Erwin had always known everything about Josh... They had been living together for so long that Erwin's secrets had become his secrets - and vice versa. But now...?

When had it started? Probably already when Erwin had met Cecile. And when he had left the dorms later... In high school, he and Josh had ended in different classes. It was only natural they had been spending less time together now. But he couldn't be angry with Cecile. He had let Erwin slip out of his life himself. They still were best friends, but... But Josh had learned self-reliance. He didn't need Erwin by his side, did he? And Erwin had his own life, his own path. Another mystery of growing up.

It almost didn't pain him.

Still, he wanted to tell Erwin about his situation. About what was new. Erwin would hear him out, like he always did. He would comment somehow, maybe advised Josh - or, simply, he would be there, and supported Josh only by that. Because now - when Erwin wasn't there any more, and Alain had _yet_ to be - Josh felt a bit lonely. He wasn't yet an adult, and he still didn't want to walk entirely alone...

Complicated.

"But I have to admit," Mrs Perle's voice got him out of his reverie, "that I was surprised when Cecile brought Erwin home, telling he is her future husband."

Both lovers blushed. "Because it is he who should have said it," Cecile blurted out, red as a peony.

"Cecile... You know I can't ask for your hand being only sixteen years old," Erwin spoke in a low voice.

"You don't have to propose," Cecile replied bitingly. "But you could have said it? Yet you were just standing there like a log, so it fell on me. And here I was, waiting for your sixteenth birthday to say my parents I have a boyfriend."

"Ah! Raymond asked for my hand when I was sixteen," Mrs Perle recalled, obviously delighted.

"While I'm almost eighteen, and I have to wait at least two years more until our wedding," Cecile sighed. "The best time of my life is leaking through my fingers..."

"I'm sure Erwin will make it so that those years after your wedding will be the best," Josh said quietly.

Cecile seemed confused. "Well... yes..." she muttered and stopped complaining. Erwin gave Josh a grateful look.

"When Raymond came asking for my hand, my parents chased him away," Mrs Perle continued reminiscing. "It was close that we eloped."

"Oh! Eloped!" Cecile's vigour was back right away.

"Darling, please, do not suggest any funny ideas to our daughter," Mr Perle asked. "And you, young lady, do not forget that no priest will marry you unless he proves he's eighteen."

"Not even abroad?" Cecile inquired, her eyes flashing.

"I'm not going to leave Idealo," Erwin brutally put an end to her daydreaming. "Not before graduation, at least..."

"You completely lack romanticism," Cecile sulked again. "I'm sure Josh would gladly elope with his bo- well, if he had to."

"What about my university career?" Josh asked, making a face to her.

"My! You are so practical, all of you!" Cecile called, annoyed. "I though you, were a person who values the feelings, Josh!"

"What's that got to do with anything?" Josh was surprised.

"I agree. Raymond was so in love with me that his firm almost went bankrupt since he sometimes forgot to mind it..." Mrs Perle poured oil on the flames.

Cecile, Erwin and Josh stared at her and then at Mr Perle, who cleared his throat. Then everyone burst out laughing again.

"But it's true we've become very fond of Erwin," Cecile's mother said, smiling kindly at her son-in-low-to-be. "Haven't we, darling?"

Her husband nodded. "It seems he will be able to keep a tight rein on someone like Cecile."

"Papa! It sounded like I was a defiant brat!" the girl felt offended.

"Or a little frisky mare," Erwin added in a whisper.

"It was very low of you, Erwin Argue!" she called, aggrieved, and turned her back on him.

"In my opinion Cecile is a wonderful person who doesn't need a rein," Josh spoke before he thought. But, then, he really didn't need to. Cecile looked at him, her eyes round. Right, he had never told her anything like this before, so she could be surprised. "Erwin, at the very most, would turn her into a lady."

Cecile was blinking for a moment, and then she gave him a smile that could curdle his blood. "I'm going to kill you, Josh," she said brightly. "One day, I'll do it. You just wait."

"Who said that being a lady is better?" Josh didn't let himself be thrown off the track. "I think everyone should be who they are." Cecile frowned, but kept listening to him. "You have only one life, don't you? To live through it, pretending to be someone else... It's not a very good idea, isn't it? Everyone had their good and strong points," he went on. "Everyone is different, unique in their own way. Sometimes, you pose an ideal only in the eyes of your beloved person..." Cecile and Erwin looked at each other. "What's most important is to accept yourself... not struggle against yourself."

"Are you trying to say," Mr Perle suggested thoughtfully, "that one shouldn't try to fight their weaknesses, their faults?"

Josh glanced at him, knitting his eyebrows. "There's nothing wrong with willing to develop and improve oneself," he replied finally. "But you cannot forget the fact that faults may be seen as virtues, depending on who is looking," he emphasized. "I just think there's no absolute truths about the human nature."

"But isn't it obvious that there are good people and bad people?"

Josh looked at the man closely. "This matter, you had better discuss with the priests, sir," he said. "Or with the jailers. Still... 'He that is without sin, cast the first stone.' We should be aware that others always measure us differently from how we measure ourselves. But, does it mean that others are right?" he asked. "In the end, it's only themselves that a person cannot escape from, so isn't it most wise to listen to and accept themselves? Even if others think we should change, we really shouldn't if it's against our nature. We will never be happy that way."

The silence fell. Four pairs of eyes only kept staring at him. Even Mr Perle seemed at a loss for arguments...

Josh felt uneasy. Apparently, he had said something he should have left unsaid. He felt a pang of guilt. He hoped Erwin wouldn't have troubles because of him... He lowered his head. "I'm... I apologize-"

"Lad," Cecile's father interrupted him, still somewhat stunned, "You should become a philosopher. Or... what was that new study of the soul called... Psychology. Yes."

Shyly, Josh raised his head again. Cecile looked at Erwin. "Josh is saying I should be who I am and value myself, and no-one needs to keep a rein on me."

"I wouldn't dare," Erwin replied quietly.

"I hope so," the girl said, albeit her voice was unsure. "But if you're not happy with something about me, say it right away," she added.

Erwin looked at her; the blush on her cheeks, she was fixing her gaze in the table. "I will," he declared.

She smiled, and Josh mused whether his statement hadn't brought forward completely opposite result he had expected. But this was good, too.

When they finished dessert, the clock struck four o'clock. The sunlight, coming to the dining room, had turned softer. Josh realized two hours had passed unnoticed - by tasty meal and pleasant talk in nice company.

On the other hand, he felt a bit tired. He was happy for Erwin and Cecile, but the sight of them together was causing some vague feeling of resentment, and he couldn't help it. It wasn't even directed at them - only a unpleasantness due to being reminded all the time that, contrary to others, he is alone. Or, maybe, it was just today? He couldn't remember feeling this way before... Could it be some impatience to experience such a partnership himself? Times ago, when he still hadn't had... Alain in prospect, he could regard them with tolerance and wait for his turn. Now that Alain was there... Josh himself couldn't tell whether he was closer to fulfilling his dreams or not, when their object had become a living person.

Sometimes he arrived at conclusion he'd been thinking too much. Psychology... Ha.

When they got down and went to the living room, Josh decided to bid others farewell. "Once again, thank you very much for the invitation. I can't remember the last time I spent Easter in such a pleasant way," he said truthfully.

The Perles looked at each other. "I think you may come to visit us more often," Cecile's mother spoke slowly, and her husband nodded. "Sometimes we feel bored in such a big house. We enjoy Erwin's company very much."

Josh felt warmth filling him. "I'm very grateful," he replied quietly. "If Cecile would like to pass on an invitation, I'll be glad to accept it." Behind her parents' backs, Cecile showed him a tip of his tongue. He felt like returning it, but he didn't do it, of course. He shook hands with Mr and Mrs Perle and left.

The wind had stopped, but the day hadn't been baking from the very start. Josh didn't feel cold, though. As he slowly walked towards the campus and passed people strolling after Easter dinner, he was filled with warmth, it seemed to him, long since forgotten.

Although he knew - and he was sticking to that knowledge like a torch - it wasn't true, he let himself the illusion he was coming back from meeting with family.

* * *

_Lohen & Lomax, "Live on"_


	10. Chapter 10

**10.**   
_**(on enää valokuvat kellastuneet)** _

* * *

On Easter Monday, there was no trace of the bad weather: the sun was shining brighter, and the sky was cloudless. Josh spent his morning outside, with the last book he had been assigned before the end of school year. Tomorrow... he could study English vocabulary; it always gave him trouble whenever learning foreign languages, so he could use the free time for swotting it.

At noon, he put the book aside, annoyed. The novel was terribly stupid, and the main character was extremely frustrating. Why ever they were forced to read such a nonsense? Usually, literature professor chose very good books for them to read, but this time he'd failed completely. Josh wondered how they would talk about the novel in classes... So far, he hadn't derived any moral of it, but, well, he had read only one third. There was always hope the plot would get better; however, he didn't count for the main character to get better.

He stared at the sky above.

Did men use to have such problems? The main hero, allegedly charming and intelligent guy, got engaged to the girl of good family, but in the meantime it was revealed that he had an affair with the girl of the lower orders before. Now that buffoon didn't know what he should do... According to the preface, having become embroiled in such a compromising situation, he would commit suicide. 'If he is to kill himself in the end anyway, what the whole novel was written for?' Josh thought, irritated. 'And why they make us read it, above all?'

Apart from the rest, Josh considered suicide to be cowardice, not only in that particular character. He was of the opinion that the situation was never so hopeless that there was no other choice. Suicide meant resignation, and resignation wasn't his nature. Besides... Once you were dead, there was nothing left any more. One took away their chance to live through another good day and experience some happiness. Everything ended. No, Josh couldn't understand something like this. As long as the life continued, there was still hope.

Ha stared at the cover, wondering whether he felt like reading more about the dilemmas of Mr Z, and decided he didn't. After all, he had a free day - today and tomorrow, too - so he could do what he wanted. And what was it that he wanted now? Hmm...

The bell struck half past twelve... The day was young. Bell, bell... Cathedral... Meeting with Saphir and Jade... Grace Corail. Actually, he had an urge to walk... To visit Grace's grave. Alone, in no hurry. He didn't know why he suddenly felt like this, but he didn't care. He returned to the room, where he left the book and took the jacket, and went out to the city.

Grace Corail... Slowly walking down the street, he thought he really knew very little about her. Jade had been speaking highly of her; it could be that he had known her best. Saphir, on the other hand, had mentioned that everyone had kept comparing him to her, so Josh's imagination easily created someone equally angelic, ethereal and spirited. Definitely, not his type... But it was not about him. They must have felt like protecting her, both Alain and Jade, even if she had been older.

Hmm, but then... Georges Saphir wasn't such an angel, in the end... It was easy to consider him fragile and saintly, yet there was some strength in him... Sometimes he seemed much stronger than Robert Jade. Maybe Grace, too, had been more tempered than one could expect? He felt like tousling his hair due to the excess of thoughts. He really didn't know anything about her, and the guesswork was utterly futile.

He turned a corner, and the high fence of the cemetery appeared. He bought a small bouquet of daisies from the flower seller by the gate. Now, the only problem was to get there... The cemetery wasn't that big - definitely smaller that the one outside the city - but big enough to get lost. Fortunately, Josh had a good sense of direction, and besides he had been here only yesterday. First the main avenue, then left, straight and right...

He stopped dead in his track as his eyes caught the tall figure. His heart knew who it was before his mind did. When he resumed walking again, his gaze fixed on Alain's back, he tried to calm his crazy heartbeat.

Josh hadn't expected him here, not at all. What should he do? He stopped, hesitating. He had several options, and two most prominent were: to turn around and leave, and come closer and say hello. But, the latter involved explaining what he was doing here and why... He looked at the flowers in his hand, and the strange thought occurred to him: it was as if he'd been called to this place - how else could he explain an impulse to come here? On the other hand... Again, he looked at Alain; now he could see his profile. Alain was standing there, his eyes fixed on the tombstone, wearing the same expression of grief that Saphir and Jade had worn yesterday in the very same place. He swallowed at the memory of sadness he'd felt upon realizing how young Grace had died.

 _Alain doesn't look like a person wishing to be interrupted,_ his common sense prompted him. But Josh's heart protested against leaving Alain alone with his sorrow. Jade had Saphir, Saphir had Jade, and Alain was here by himself. 'Don't be a coward, Joshua Or,' he told himself like many times before. He clasped the flowers tighter and took a step towards the grave.

Alain must have spotted him out of the corner of his eye, for he turned his head. The surprise flashed through his face. "Joshua...?"

"I came here yesterday, with Georges and Robert," Josh decided to start with an explanation. "Those are flowers they brought," he pointed at two bouquets. "I decided to come today, too. I never thought I'd meet you here," he said truthfully, standing next to Alain.

Alain turned to the grave again and said nothing. At least, he didn't seem to be angry with Josh's presence. Josh put the flowers down on the tombstone and stepped back.

'Hi, Alain's sister,' he said his greeting. 'I don't know if it was you who called me here... If so, thanks,' he smiled. 'May I have it for your blessing?' he asked. 'You know, I want to do something that makes him happy. I want to make him happy...' A breeze blew through his hair. He turned his head and looked at Alain. Alain blinked, as if he was aware of Josh's gaze. Never before had Josh wanted so much to embrace him. They were so close, side by side...

But, of course, he couldn't do it. He looked at the inscription again. 'I know it all depends on me... But I wouldn't mind a small help anyway.' He was glad they were here, together, even if Alain still didn't let him into his thoughts... He was glad he could be here - for Alain. Maybe Alain would appreciate it one day.

"I started coming here again only recently," Alain's low voice reached him. He froze, in order to maintain that fragile moment. It could be that Alain was talking to himself, but Josh didn't intend to interrupt him anyway. He hoped that his loud heartbeat wasn't audible. "I suppose I was scared, when Grace died... I was scared that, once I look at this stone, I wouldn't bear it. Or I would be so mad I would try to... kill Robert."

"She must have been very important to you," Josh whispered, involuntarily, but he couldn't remain silent, after all.

Alain nodded. "Now I think... What I was afraid most was that feeling of guilt would overwhelm me. I couldn't protect her although I wished to."

"It wasn't your fault," Josh threw in, although he didn't really know. But it was just like he'd told Mr Perle: there were no absolute truths about human nature.

"That's why I started coming here again," Alain said after a while. "Georges helped me understand it. That I should forgive myself and live on."

Josh blinked at the sudden change of subject, but his first thought surprised even him, 'Thank you, Georges.' Saphir must have been really someone if he'd managed to get Alain out of the dark, loftily as it sounded. Josh couldn't be not grateful to him.

"Are you happy now?" he asked.

Alain was still staring at Grace's name on the stone, and then he shrugged. "I don't know. I think not... I never thought about it."

"What is a happiness to you, then?" Josh asked quietly, not looking at him.

When the reply wasn't coming, he raised his eyes, though. Alain shook his head; it seemed he didn't know the answer. Then, however, he said in a low voice, hesitantly, "I'd like... to never again lose someone... dear to me."

The bell on the town hall tower struck half past one. It was always two minutes faster than the church bell - and no-one ever made anything about it. Alain stirred and ran the hand through his hair. His eyes stopped wandering far ahead and focused on the gravestone at his feet.

Josh went back to the main avenue and waited for Alain to join him. As they walked towards the campus, he was thinking of what he'd heard. _I'd like to never again lose someone dear to me_ \- yeah, it would do as a definition of being happy, and Josh couldn't said he didn't understand it. He, too, had just mused over how much he desired someone to stay with him for ever. He hadn't expected they had exactly the same view on the matter with Alain. He had thought - basing on his own experiences - he'd known how Alain could have felt after having lost Grace... But to hear it from him was an entirely different thing.

"Thanks for flowers," Alain's quiet voice reached him.

He shook his head. "I'm glad you didn't mind."

"No, why?" Alain was surprised, and his tone was unsure.

Josh shook his head again. "What kind of person was she?" he asked, hoping Alain would agree to say more.

Alain, however, kept silent, and Josh forced back his sigh. Apparently, it would take more time to gain Alain's trust, even though sometimes he felt he already had it. Like only a moment ago... But then Alain withdrew again, like now.

"She was..." Alain started and paused, frowning.

Josh's heart leapt upon realizing it probably wasn't the matter of trust this time; Alain just didn't know what to say. "Was she like Georges?" he asked, trying to help.

Alain slowed down. "Their faces... and eyes. Yes, they were alike. But their characters..." He mused again. "I thought... I could see her in Georges. But Robert said Grace was much more composed, wiser," he went on, talking more to himself. "And her faith was strong. Yes, she was strong."

Josh kept walking in silence, once again trying to imagine Grace. Indeed, she seemed more complex personality he'd assumed. Alain continued, "Yet, just like Georges, she loved all people around her. She trusted everyone and cared for everyone," he smiled. "But she knew how to stick up for herself. Robert liked teasing her, but she could always check him."

Jade remembered Saphir's confession about having slammed Jade. It seemed he and Grace had more in common than they didn't.

"I may show you her pictures..." Alain offered unawares, and Josh's heart did some unsafe acrobatics in his chest again.

He glanced at Alain, who walked next to him, his gaze fixed on the pavement. "I'll be glad to have a look at them," he said quietly, his voice serious. Maybe once he saw Grace's face... "Don't you feel like... getting close to Georges... sometimes?" he asked without thinking and immediately regretted it.

Alain knitted his brows again and then shook his head. "Georges is Georges. He isn't Grace," he said. "Besides, he... and Robert..." He stopped.

"Are an item," Josh prompted, feeling light at heart.

"Once... I..." Alain started in a low voice, but didn't finish, and Josh supposed he knew what the upperclassman wanted to say. Alain shook his head again and looked around. Josh frantically thought how to change the subject, for suddenly he became anxious Alain could become anxious... Nothing occurred his mind, though, and they were already approaching the main gate of the campus... _Think, Josh, think._

"What's the time?" he asked. "I'm not sure if my watch works okay..." He moved its face closer to his eyes. There was no problem with his watch, but Alain didn't have to know about it.

Alain glanced at his left writs. "Almost two. You in hurry?"

"No... But I see you've picked yours up from the repair. Everything okay now?"

"So it seems. It's quite an old watch, but I always hope it can be repaired..."

"Mhm."

They headed for the fourth-years' wing. Josh couldn't help casting furtive glances every now and then, and Alain gave him a questioning look. "You know, I don't want to run into the student council president..." he explained.

"I told you not to worry about that git."

'One of us have to,' Josh thought with a sigh. "I don't like him..."

"Who tells you to like him? But don't worry. He's left for holidays."

"Oh. How nice..."

"Mhm."

"Then... If it's not a problem... Maybe you could inform me in the future, too?"

Alain shrugged. "I always thought you were a daredevil instead of a scaredy-cat," he said casually.

Josh swallowed an insult down, along with his pride. 'I'll bear it, I'll bear it..." he told himself. 'And you, Mister Corail... One day, I'm going to show you how daredevil I can be. You just wait...'

"Everyone is scared of something. I'm scared of that guy... You know, I'd like to apply for scholarship to university," he was lying like a rat or, at least, making use of his recent talk with the Perles, "and I need a really good certificate."

"As if some problem in your second year would influence your final certificate," Alain pointed out bitingly and not without reason, and then he frowned. "Scholarship to university?...?" he repeated.

"I don't know yet," Josh rushed to explain. "But they told me I have a chance..."

"You aim high," Alain commented, and the tone of his voice was hard to interpret.

"I still have two years," Josh shrugged. "And you? What are you going to do... after you graduate?" He hadn't really expected that asking this question would be so difficult.

Now it was Alain who shrugged. "I don't know, maybe I'll look for some job..."

"No kidding. You should study," Josh objected. "And don't tell me you repeat a year. I'm sure there's a reason to it... Besides, Jade is two years behind, so... Well... Maybe it wasn't the best example," he finished helplessly.

Alain, however, smiled at him with that shy smile that got straight to Josh's heart. "I don't know what I could study," he said with disarming frankness.

"Hmm... hmmm..." Josh was thinking intensively. "And... why not mathematics?" he suggested. "You're very good at maths... I think..."

Alain gave him a grateful look, but shook his head. "I'll consider it," he said, opening the door.

"Really," Josh tried to convince him. "Just think about it. The fact you've graduated from a prestigious school stands for something."

"I haven't graduated yet..."

"Details. Well, I think it would be a shame." Josh entered the room, never paying attention to the place, absorbed in the idea of Alain's future. He sat down on the bed and folded his arms, and then his gaze fell on the basketball in the corner. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "Maybe physical education?"

Alain turned back from the bookshelf and looked at him with something akin to amusement. "You've rather quickly demoted me from professor to PE teacher," he said with a flicker in his eye.

Josh blushed and lowered his eyes. "No... I..." Ugh, what a failure. "Still, education is the key," he declared, but his voice was rather faint.

Alain sat down next to him, holding a photo album, and Josh only now realized the whole situation: he was again in Alain's room, and the circumstances were quite nice. He overcame a dizziness and fixed his eyes on Alain's hand passing the book to him. He swallowed and took the volume, trying to stop his own fingers from trembling. He hoped Alain would take his sudden nervousness for resulting from their previous talk about Grace and her death.

He opened the album, ready for a shock of kind or another, but... "Holy cow...!" Face of Georges Saphir was smiling at him from the first picture. "It can't be. _This_ is Grace?"

He looked at Alain, who was staring at the photo, and then brought the album closer. The same green eyes, the same blonde hair... She looked exactly like Georges...! And in the second photograph, too... He turned a page, and then another, and another... Many pictures. Carefully arranged in chronological order... Grace, getting older, and more beautiful... Ah, finally she wore long hair - and wavy! Georges didn't have wavy hair - probably because he cut it short. Besides, who cared about Georges? Josh was absorbing Grace, couldn't take his eyes off her... In several pictures she was alone, but mainly surrounded with others - only boys! Here is Robert - and Alain said they couldn't stand each other, ha...! These two must have been Robert's brothers. Yes, that pianist... what was his name, Laurent... And the other, the priest who had once come in a replacement... Even the director appeared every now and then, incredible... And that boy... But it was Alain! Jade had been right about Alain keeping his hair short!

He got away from the album and looked to the side, at Alain's profile, so very close now. He almost blushed. Suddenly, he found it very intimate: looking at the pictures from Alain's past. And the next moment he felt almost honoured he'd been allowed it. Alain blinked twice; Josh had already realized he didn't like to be observed like this. He stared at the photographs again. Alain seemed much more cheerful than now - although his smile was shy already then - but it wasn't anything strange. 'I wish he could smile more,' Josh thought, leafing through the book and still not having enough.

"Great pictures," he said finally, with some reluctance returning the album to Alain. "May I... look at them again, sometime?" he asked in a soft voice.

Alain gave him a surprised look, but nodded, putting the book back on its place.

"I should put mine in order, too," Josh said, although he knew there were not so many of them. "I'd gladly show them to you, but..." He shook his head; it was no use getting gloom. "First, I'll buy an album," he decided.

Alain sat down on the bed again. The silence fell between them; the bird were singing outside the window.

"How did Grace die?" Josh asked quietly once he decided the moment was right.

Alain clenched his fists slightly. "She was hit by a car," he replied, his voice impassive.

'So senseless death... So absurd...' Josh thought. _No death is sensible,_ he corrected himself at once, _but still..._

"Why does Robert feel guilty of it? Did feel guilty?"

Alain looked through the window. "Because they got into an argument only a moment earlier..." he said in a low voice. "She ran into the road and didn't notice a car." Josh felt cold. "But it wasn't his fault," Alain added and took a deep breath. "It was nobody's fault."

Josh refrained from reaching out and putting the hand on Alain's shoulder to reassure him. He didn't know how Alain would react... and he didn't know how he would react himself. It was better not to tempt fate, even if his intentions were entirely innocent. He sighed.

But, he realized, it was good, too. Maybe even better... If he thought about their relation from before only two weeks ago, he must have admitted that a real progress had been made: from the feeling that Alain barely recognized his face to the situation in which Alain let him into his painful secrets. This was what Josh wanted to build a relationship on, wasn't it? Friendship, trust, support... The right time for caresses, embraces and kisses would come later. 'Slowly, Josh, slowly...' he told himself and smiled.

He was under the impression that after their 'date' on Thursday he would no longer need to find a pretext to see Alain. 'Joshua Or, it seems the first stage is cleared.' The feeling of success delighted him, of course, but more that that he was just happy - an emotion that appeared to be there, inside him, to stay.

They kept sitting in silence, and Alain apparently didn't have anything against it. But now, Josh though, he was more present: more here, _with Josh_. Not like only several days ago, when he could be near yet seemed to be somewhere else, immersed in thought, staring inside himself.

The time passed quickly, and when the bell on campus struck three o'clock, Josh said goodbye, with great reluctance - but with hope, too. On Thursday, there were going to see each other again. He couldn't really wait _._

* * *

_Only yellowed photos are left - Yö, "Joutsenlaulu"_


	11. Chapter 11

**11.**   
_**(don't try to live so wise)** _

* * *

Josh just couldn't get those Alain's pictures out of his head. After he returned to his room, he rummaged through his desk and several boxes to collect about twenty photos. It was so few it was pathetic, especially compared to the collection he had just seen. He shook his head, but a peculiar sadness wouldn't leave. He sighed and set about arranging the pictures more or less chronologically.

Photos with his grandfather, only two, taken by a photographer. Josh wearing school uniform, his face solemn. He was six and probably eight years old, respectively. Oh, this one he didn't remember! Right, they'd gone for a picnic with neighbours who'd owned a camera. Summer, a meadow, two little boys beside him... All of them smiling. He'd been really young then, no wonder it'd slipped his mind...

They had used to walk a lot, with his grandfather. The city was small, surrounded by the fields, meadows and hills - a lot of space to discover. For as long as he could remember, he'd always been lively, and he hadn't got over it. He'd chased the cats in the backyard, and he'd run elsewhere just like this. He'd loved to spend time outside, and grandfather had let him, accompanying him, too. It'd been really good time...

He came back to reality and to the photos. Several group shots from primary school. He winced. He'd always been the smallest of his class, so they'd made him sit in the front. Well, that way his height wasn't visible, but the aversion remained. One, two, three... All six of them, from every year of the primary school. He didn't wear a happy expression, not even in one of them: a little sulking imp in the front of the class... But grandfather had wanted all of them and always ordered the prints. Now Josh was grateful for it. Even if he couldn't remember names of his former classmates, he still had a tangible proof of his past...

Ah, photos from Idealo, first the middle school... With this Josh, he felt more familiar. Saint Grollo uniform, mane of hair and coquettish smile. Yes, Joshua Or in full bloom. Once, the school had been visited by a journalist assigned the task of making a reportage - along with the professional press photographer. Most students would run like hell from those two, but not Josh. To tell the truth, now he wasn't sure what he'd tried to achieve any more, probably to present his style and chick and go stellar. He laughed at the memory. He succeeded only in getting most prints for his private use, for he hadn't made it to the magazine, what a loss for humanity...

He had a closer look. No, he didn't really look that bad. But, well, in uniforms most of the boys looked good, he'd known it for some time now.

Oh, pictures with Erwin and Cecile, taken during last two years! Cecile had kept begging her parents for a camera until she'd obtained it - it seemed they really pampered her - and her favourite objects were, of course, Erwin and Josh. Well, at least Erwin - but he hadn't agreed to any photos at first. However, Cecile had been stubborn, and Josh - with his own example - had proved it untrue that camera stole souls. Not that Erwin had believed in it; still, his aversion to being photographed had really resembled some phobia. Fortunately. Cecile had managed to accustom him to the camera, and thanks to this Josh owned some pictures with his best friend. Photos taken by Cecile were terrible - what else could be expected? - crooked, cropped rather badly and so on, but Josh was very happy with them. What did it matter that here he lacked his hand, and there half of his face was gone? This one for instance... He didn't really know whether it was meant to be horizontal or vertical... Usually, they took pictures in the park, wearing casual clothes, sometimes eating ice-creams or drinking soda. He was under the impression he could relive those pleasant moments he'd really had fun.

He browsed the pictures, giving a close look to each of them, and tried to come back to the time they had been taken.

Wow, this one was really a wonder of Cecile's photo art: not only had she managed to take both him and Erwin, but also quite a big part of the cathedral had fitted in. He brought the picture closer, looking at their smiling faces. No, he really had never had such a friend like Erwin, a person who he always could count on and who accepted him regardless the circumstances. He wished Alain could become someone like this, too - but was it even possible? Alain and Erwin had different characters... Besides, they'd been friends with Erwin for five years already, while it was still only a beginning with Alain...

Yet, he thought he could imagine Alain and himself in a similar photo. He could still remember Alain's smile from pictures taken with Grace. Even he had to feel relaxed and good, from time to time. Josh had to make such times come more often...

Now, in first instance, he wanted to show Alain his tiny collection.

* * *

The next day, the last day of vacation, he went to the town and bought an album. He put the pictures in, but there was still a lot of place left... He sighed. If he could afford it, he'd buy a camera, too, but it was just a dream now. Maybe... maybe he could borrow from Cecile? But would she let him have such an expensive item? He doubted it... It seemed he had to wait a longer while for his first photograph with Alain.

* * *

On Wednesday, an inspiration struck him, and it happened during the art lesson when they were drawing. He became so distracted that, when professor asked him about Plato's proportions, he mindlessly answered that it wasn't Plato who had treated about proportions, and recited Thales' theorem, causing hilarity in the class. Professor corrected him and told meant the Pythagorean-Platonic concept of beauty, and forbid Josh from saying the Pythagoras' theorem right away. Then, he whacked Josh on the head with the class register, assigned an essay in aesthetics and walked away, muttering something about spring going to youngsters' head. Josh didn't really bother, focused on his vision.

He could draw Alain!

The thought was very tempting, and for a while he weighed up pros and cons. Ah, to be able to sit in the open air, Alain wearing a white shirt, unbuttoned at his neck... Bathed in sunlight, or in the shade of a tree... Studying, for instance. Or reading. From time to time, he would brush his hair aside from his forehead, out of habit, or frown, deep in his thought...

Josh wondered whether he would be able to concentrate - on drawing, not Alain. He sat like this for a moment, his eyes fixed in the distance - definitely not on the canvas before him - his hand in mid-air. He roused only when classmates started to push around him, heading towards the door. Lesson had apparently ended at some point... 'Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained,' he though carefully and after cleaning his place, he approached the professor and asked about the credit for drawing portrait.

"My dear boy, you were drawing portraits in the winter semester already. You have terrible memory and distraction problems..."

"But, of course I remember, professor!" Josh extricated himself. "The problem is I'm not very satisfied with my mark... And I'd like to have a good certificate." He lowered his voice, "You see, professor, I'd like to apply for a scholarship to university..."

Something akin to anxiety flickered in the teacher's eyes. "But surely not for the fine arts?"

"But, nothing of that kind, professor! Me and the fine arts? You have seen it for yourself, sir, I confused Plato with Socrates..."

"With Thales, if I'm not mistaken..."

"Quite so, I really don't grasp those Greeks... Anyway, I need a good certificate, so I'd like to try once again. Then, I thought that if I submit a new portrait...?"

"Hmm, I can't claim it impossible. Your attitude gladdens me," the old man praised Josh, taken by his frankness. "Well, I think you may try."

Josh thanked him heartily and ran to the main hall, flying on the wings of hope. If he was lucky, he would meet Alain; today their classes ended at the same time... But the fourth-years were nowhere to be seen - maybe they'd had shorter lessons, after all - and instead he ran into Erwin.

For a short while, the conflicting emotions swirled in him: he was so spirited he could go meet Alain any time, but he _did_ plan to have a talk with Erwin, too. Now was as good as any time. Besides, recently Erwin seemed to be strangely busy after school. Well, maybe it wasn't _that_ strange... "You have a moment to spare?" he asked. "No date or something? I'd like to talk with you."

Erwin shook his head, coughing. They went outside and headed towards the trees - Josh preferred a quiet and secluded place for this talk. His heart was beating fast, but he decided it was high time to share his business with Erwin. In fact, he felt somewhat guilty he hadn't done it so far.

"You sick?" he inquired when Erwin kept coughing.

"I've caught a cold," Erwin replied, waving his hand in a rather dismissive way. "I'll be fine in no time."

"But don't infect me," Josh warned, realizing many of his classmates had been absent today.

"I don't even hug you today," Erwin pointed out.

"Right. You're a real friend," Josh agreed. Erwin cast an intent look at him and said nothing.

They sat down on the grass by the outer wall of the campus. "You know," Josh started outright, playing with a long blade, "when we saw each other in Cecile's place... I thought we haven't talked in a while."

"Josh... I'm sorry, I..." Erwin started to justify himself.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Josh interrupted him. "Definitely not about you being with Cecile, right?" He turned his head and looked at his friend before he looked ahead again. "I manage well on my own, really. I just thought that the fact we're not spending time together doesn't mean we're not best pals. Right?" he asked with more emphasis he'd intended.

Erwin nodded. "Of course. Still..."

"Listen. I think I wasn't okay with you either."

"What do you mean?" Erwin frowned.

"I should've spoken with you earlier... But all of this happened so quickly..."

" _What_ 's happened, Josh?" Erwin asked, raising his voice.

Josh looked at him, startled. "Nothing special, really. You don't have to make that face... For God's sake, Erwin, calm down. Nothing. Has. Happened. Okay?"

"Then, why are you so serious today?" Erwin remained alert.

"I didn't expect to hear this from you," Josh tried to smile. Serious? Since when Erwin had been regarding him serious? "Damn, I took a wrong way around it... But you know, Erwin, you could have at least little confidence in your best pal."

"So, what's happened?" Erwin had completely ignored the slight reproach in Josh's words. So like him.

Josh sighed. It seemed he had no choice but to say it straight. "You know Alain Corail? The fourth-year?" Erwin nodded. "Well, he... I... Well..." He looked around. "I love him," Josh confessed in a soft voice.

Erwin blinked. In silence that fell the buzzing of bees was to be heard. A sound of a car pulling out came from the distance.

"You could at least comment somehow," Josh noted irritably as Erwin was still saying nothing.

"I was waiting for the continuation," Erwin replied with some disappointment.

"What do you mean?" Josh bristled.

"So far, you haven't said anything new," Erwin explained and shrugged.

"What?"

"Josh, I know you regard yourself as shrewd and others as idiots-"

"What? I never-"

"-but even an idiot would realize you have something for that guy."

Now it was Josh sitting and only blinking; then he tried to chase away the treacherous blush. His thought were chaotic. Erwin knew? Everyone... knew? Well, Jade had said it point-blank when he'd visited for the first time...

"But... I..."

No, he couldn't believe it to be so obvious. Alain... Alain would give him to understand that he'd realized. Erwin was surely exaggerating? Or... maybe he wasn't?"

"You've been chasing him since the previous semester. You mean you haven't noticed yourself?"

Damn it! He had forgotten Erwin was so perceptive, especially that he didn't look it, ha ha... Served him right.

Josh stretched his legs and looked ahead, again. "I've realized it only recently," he said quietly. He had no reason to be angry with Erwin. "But you're right, I took notice of him earlier..."

Erwin nodded. "And how does _he_ feel about it?" he asked directly.

Josh lowered his eyes. "I think I'd like him to realize it, too..." he replied. "If everyone knows," he added bitingly. "Sometimes... I don't know. I'd like... him to like me," he finished quietly.

It was complicated. He was under the impression his feelings and hopes kept changing depending on the situation. One day, he didn't wish for more than only to look at Alain, while the other longing to be with him in a very physical way was almost unbearable. One day, all this was so gentle and soft; another time it seemed to him he'd jump at Alain on the first occasion and never let him go, and let Alain do anything to him, and...

Still, it didn't matter, for everything depended on Alain himself. Josh might wish for all he wanted, but everything amounted to Alain's feelings about him. Josh could only strive for his attention.

"You know, from an outsider's point of view," Erwin started hesitantly, "you appear to be quite intimate with each other. I mean... When you're together, it seems you feel good around each other. I even think," he went on, "some people would consider you an item."

Josh wondered whether it was good or bad thing, but he couldn't decide. Erwin's words sounded extremely tempting to his ears - it was so easy to actually believe in them - but compared with reality they were pure abstraction.

"After all, Alain probably has no pals here," Erwin pointed out. "His schoolmates graduated last year. In fact, I can't remember seeing him in others' company recently, only with you." Josh's heart, that had been racing for some time now, leapt in his chest. "I bet some wouldn't need more to imagine something," Erwin added.

"Huh, I can imagine as well," Josh decided sourly. "In fact, I keep imagining, for now."

Erwin gave him an intent look. "It's serious, isn't it? No, I shouldn't even ask. It's been always serious with you," he smiled.

Josh smiled back at him, although he was still tense. "I wish... I wish he didn't see me as a brat who just tags on..." he confessed quietly. "I wish he just accepted me. Acknowledged me. You know, sometimes I feel he really does. We've been talking a bit... He told me about his past. Usually, you don't tattle it to anyone, do you? But every time it happens, I think it was just a coincidence, that it means nothing... I can't resist the impression he will forget me once I vanish from his sight..."

"Josh, it's impossible to ever forget you..." Erwin threw in. Josh gave him a thankful look. "Maybe he is like this? Do you know him well? Maybe he has something on his mind?"

Josh nodded; it sounded logical. "True. He's apparently thinking a lot about his past..."

"You see? Maybe he's just that type who first makes a decision and thinks about it only later? Many people take the present as it is and draw conclusions afterwards. Some others, however, tend to focus on present too much," he poked Josh in the chest with his index finger.

"You're hinting I think too much?" Josh bridled. "Well, it's true I prefer to plan something myself than let others plan for me."

"You like control things," Erwin agreed.

"Of course! If I'm not going to, then no-one-"

"But where is room for spontaneity, then?" Erwin pointed out. "If you make plans, it means you consider only one option. Think about it."

Josh looked at him for a longer while. Then he rested against the wall and stared at the sky. What Erwin had said sounded familiar, but...

"It's not like this," he spoke finally, never taking eyes off the blue vastness. "If I consider only one option, that would be the one I am with him in the end. Someone... told me a while ago that once I set a goal, I'll definitely achieve it, and I decided to believe it. But it's not that I have a detailed _plan_ ," he stressed, "it sounds like I drew up a schedule... Sure, I rack my brain all the time, trying to create the situations so that we can be together," he admitted. "To make him remember me, to... get him used to my being there... For now, everything really goes... smoothly," he revealed. "We meet. Talk. It's natural. But still... it's not this." He looked at Erwin again. "When I look at you and Cecile... Erwin, it's fantastic how everything shapes up well for you. The way you treat each other or talk... On the other hand, me and Alain... It's like walking on this ice. I never know when I say something wrong. I never know when he withdraws and goes away...

"Has he? Josh, I think you should give him more time. And yourself, above all. You know it's not a matter of a week. Me and Cecile..." Erwin blushed. "It was quite... special with us. You remember, don't you? She was horny... And she is older, too. How could I ever refuse such a woman? She would do anything to become my girlfriend."

"Rather, she would do anything so that you become her boyfriend," Josh corrected with a smirk.

"All the same," Erwin waved his hand, oblivious to the distinction. "But that Alain..." He mused. "I always thought he was a delinquent... Is it really a good choice, Josh?" he asked cautiously.

"He's not like this!" Josh switched to defensive before he realized. "I mean... He seems quite okay. And he started to apply himself to studying again. And he's pretty good at maths," he finished triumphantly. Erwin raised one brow, suppressing a cough. "I asked him for help with trigonometry, and he agreed," Josh confessed in a lower voice. 'And, thanks to this, we have a date in the patisserie tomorrow!' he thought, trying to hold back a blush.

"I see you're not slacking," Erwin praised, patting him on the back. "But, well, I couldn't expect anything else of you."

"I..." Josh lowered his eyes again, "Erwin... Do you think it will work out?" he asked quietly.

Erwin gave him a sympathetic look - and Josh could stand it only from him - and then he shook his head. "After knowing you for five years, I should perhaps consider myself an expert at male love, but... Sorry. I've no idea," he admitted frankly. "I think you have to belief in yourself and keep trying. 'Cause you don't want to make do with a one-sided love this time, do you?"

Josh shook his head. "I mean... First of all, I'd like to... make friends with him. It's not that I lech after him and want to... sleep with him," he said in a soft voice.

Erwin put the hand on his shoulder. "Josh, sometimes I wonder who is more of a romantic: you or Cecile? I know it's always about what you have in heart. Don't you think you should have been born a girl?"

"Nah..." Josh winced at the very thought. "Guys have more possibilities," he added with a perverse smile, trying to efface the impression of being a hopeless romantic.

"Stop, I don't want listen to it!" Erwin waved his hands dramatically. "Do it as you like, but I want to remain an innocent ignorant to it."

"Innocent? Ha! I wonder what you think when you're in your empty bed in the evening, and you know Cecile's lying in hers..."

Erwin covered his mouth. "Shh. I don't think anything, anything, anything. Do you think her parents would invite me to dinners if they knew I think that way about their daughter?"

"Ha! You've admitted it! Besides... Cecile wasn't brought by a stork, either," Josh pointed out, a twinkle in his eye.

"Quiet. Our love is going to be consummated after we're married," Erwin said, his face red. "Otherwise, her father would kill me."

"Poor Cecile... Well, I'm not going to wait. I'll seize the first opportunity to become a real man. I'm deeply convinced it will happen before your getting married," Josh threatened.

"So be it. Anyway," Erwin didn't plan to change the subject, "you don't have an easy task. You shouldn't rush the things; yet, on the other hand..."

"Alain is graduating in few weeks," Josh finished, lowering his head again. "I should've fallen for him earlier, ha ha..."

"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll think up something," Erwin said optimistically.

"Well, you really advised me..."

"I didn't know you wanted my advice," something flickered in Erwin's eyes. "I really have no idea how brains of the likes of you work. However, I suppose that going with flowers and confessing your feelings is out of question..."

"Erwin, sometimes that I listen to you..."

"But, in general, you need to follow the same rules the standard couples do."

"You haven't said anything I didn't know myself," Josh replied bitingly. "Although I've no idea what the standard couples do. I don't think you and Cecile provide the best example," he smirked.

"To make you remember, it was you who bumped into her, making her bump into me. Would you like me to play the same thing for you and Alain?" Erwin asked.

Josh burst out laughing, and Erwin followed, only to be overpowered by another attack of coughing. Still, the best was the knowledge that Erwin would really do it if he believed he could help Josh that way. Josh was really grateful to him.

He felt the previous tension leave him. He hadn't learned anything new; nevertheless, he was happy he'd had that talk with Erwin. Erwin was the only person he could confide in. Well, he did tend to show that annoying attitude, 'You'll manage', towards Josh... It evoked ambiguous feeling: it was nice to have the opinion of a man who can handle things, but there was also the risk of being left alone with his problems. But Josh had never, not for a moment, doubted Erwin's support.

He rose from the grass and dusted himself off. "Thanks," he said, reaching out to Erwin.

Erwin took his hand and nodded. "Keep me informed," he asked with a smile.

"I think you'll know just by looking at me," Josh replied, laughing.

Erwin mused. "You only show it when you're happy," he said finally. "When you're feeling down... you try to smile, too. That's why you have me, who can't be fooled by your smile. At least from time to time," he added in a serious tone. "But I still wish you don't have to fool me."

Josh pondered on it for a while, and then he nodded. It was true; he hardly ever could hide his real mood from Erwin... And he was glad about it. For now, he said, 'Bye,' and left to finish reading a most frustrating novel about Mr Z, to get it over and done with before tomorrow's date.

* * *

_Akeboshi, "Wind"_


	12. Chapter 12

**12.**   
_**(when I was a child, I had a fever)** _

* * *

That night, Josh slept restlessly. The bed seemed alternately too hot or too cold; on top of that, he was hounded by annoying dreams featuring Mr Z. After he woke up, he wasn't that sure he'd really waked up. The sunlight came in through the gap in the curtains, the alarm clock showed it was seven, but everything was strangely waving before his eyes, especially when he tried to sit up. And he had a damn thumping headache. He couldn't hear a thing through the buzzing in his ears.

Only after a while he realized he had a fever, and thus such sensations. With a moan, he fell back upon the pillow. He must have caught it from Erwin, whatever had been troubling his friend.

He rarely fell ill, and he couldn't quite remember the last time he'd had a cold. As a child, he'd used to have infections; grandfather would take care of him, so it'd been a good thing. But now that he was living in dorms, being sick wasn't a nice thing in the slightest.

Attending classes was out of question today: he was positive that in his current condition three steps were all he could afford. No loss, if he stayed one day in bed. He would surely get better until tomorrow. He tried to urge his brain to work in order to recall the timetable... Biology, maths... The teacher was to return the latest test...

Abruptly, he sat up - and moaned again when the pain almost split his head in two. _Goddammit,_ he thought with tears in his eyes. Today was the day of his dreamed-of - and definitely longed-for - date with Alain.

He clenched his fists on the cover, swallowing down the bitter realization that - despite his greatest desire, truest efforts and fiercest feelings - he wasn't able to go. It was so damn unfair...

Maybe the unexpected meeting with Alain on Monday was an extra happiness he had to pay for now? But such thoughts made him feel even worse, so it was better not to think at all. He lay down again.

He was lying for a while, listening to his racing heart beating - this time, due to high fever - and trying to quieten the humming in his head. He was breathing fast, too, like after an exercise. _It's all Erwin's fault,_ he thought defiantly, but it didn't raise his spirits either. He felt terrible.

He couldn't simply not to come. He couldn't even imagine the situation that Alain was standing there, in front of the patisserie, and waiting for him while he wasn't coming. No, no, and once more no. Joshua Or didn't do such things, to anyone.

He had to somehow inform Alain.

For the first time in his life, Josh cursed he had no room-mate. If he had, it would be so easy: he would ask him to pass the message on, this way or another. 'You will go to the group A of the fourth year - today their timetable is so and so - and you will tell the most good-looking guy that...'

He tried to smile, but - in fact - he felt like crying.

He had been looking forward to this meeting so much; maybe he'd placed some hopes on it, or maybe he'd simply wanted to spend some time with Alain. Alain had agreed, last week already, and all... And now nothing doing.

He hadn't been feeling so lonely in a while.

He was lying with his thoughts scattered until he collected them again. He had to phone Alain. If he picked up, it was okay. If he didn't, Josh would talk with his answering machine, or what it was called. He had the number in the drawer of his desk, to the left. He would go down to the telephone on the ground floor. Maybe it would take him half an hour, maybe longer, but he should catch Alain before the lessons.

Slowly, he sat up and moved on the edge of the bed. For a moment, he only sat like this, trying to overcome the dizziness. He... he should probably get dressed... Or, he could go like this. If others stared at him, so be it. But, as he was sitting without a cover, in his thin t-shirt and cotton pants, he started shivering, and his teeth were chattering. _Damn this fever,_ he thought. He reached to the chair for the jumper and pulled it on over his head. It didn't improve his situation much, but he had to bear with it.

Somehow, he managed to approach the desk and get the scrap of paper out. He shoved it in his pocket and made for the door, supporting himself on the furniture.

The next quarter of hour or so left a very vague memory of heading obstinately towards some goal, resting on the walls, on banister and then on the wall again. Served him right for living upstairs... He met no-one on his way - probably, all people were in the canteen - which both pleased him and not... When he finally made it to the telephone, he felt as if he'd just reached the North Pole or, at least, Mount Blanc. He couldn't quite remember the last time he'd been forced to make such an effort. He was breathing heavily, everything was flashing before his eyes, and the buzzing in his head was intolerable. He stood there for a while, leaning against the wall, and wished the world stopped spinning.

He turned the telephone towards him and lifted the paper with Alain's number closer to his eyes. The digits kept blurring before his eyes, but finally he managed to figure them and dial. The connection signal... One, two, _he won't pick up, he won't..._

"Hello?"

Josh's heart jumped up painfully. He had never heard Alain's voice on the telephone, but he recognized it at once, maybe by that note of suspicion...

"It's Joshua. Joshua Or," he added in case Alain knew more Joshuas.

"Joshua" What-"

"Listen... We can't meet today," Josh interrupted him, saying the words he didn't want to say most in the world. "I'm... sick. I won't make it."

"Aha," was Alain's reply, so like him.

"Can we meet some other time?" Josh asked shyly.

"It's fine, you don't need..."

"But I want," Josh couldn't accept Alain's answer. "Alain... I..." He paused. He couldn't say it, even if suddenly he'd felt like confessing his feelings. Really, due to fever he couldn't think clearly... "I... have to go... to bed, otherwise... I'll collapse," he whispered with some embarrassment. "Sorry... for bothering you, but I needed to inform you."

"Thanks," Alain said after a while.

"Then... bye," Josh said quietly and put the receiver back.

He had to hold his tears. He felt like a most unhappy person in the world. Going back to the room seemed an impossible feat. He slumped on the floor and was just sitting, trying to disappear. It would be better that way...

"Joshua? What are you doing?"

He opened his eyes, realizing he must have spaced out, and focused his sight. Kimbley Sard, his classmate, was approaching from the direction of the canteen, along with two other boys.

"I don't feel well," Josh whispered. "I have fever... Can you inform teachers... I'll be absent today?"

"Sure thing. But hey, you seem to need a doctor," Kimbley decided and turned to his companions. "Bernie, inform the patron. Andy, you will help me take Joshua to his room. It's on the second floor, right?"

Josh nodded. He gratefully welcomed two pairs of strong hands that slid under his arms, helping him up, even if he felt pretty pathetic at the same time. Resting on the boys, he managed to return to the room, where he dived in the blissful embrace of his bed. He felt he needed a week until he was able to get up again. His heart pounded like after a race, and his head was humming. He pulled the blanket up onto his nose, but he was still cold...

Bernie and the patron appeared pretty soon. Before the man sent the boys for some food and called a doctor, he wrapped Josh in the cover. Josh welcomed it with relief, vaguely thinking that their present patron had his head screwed on right, although he still was no match for the previous one, of course...

"The boys told me they'd found you on the first floor. I suppose you wanted to ask for help," the man guessed, "but there was no-one by the reception desk?"

Josh muttered something in reply, letting the patron such an interpretation. He wasn't going to explain his visit by the phone. The patron drew the curtains aside, and Josh moaned in protest. For his aching head, the dimness was more friendly...

And then he managed to doze off again.

When doctor arrived, an older man with a goatee, Josh felt a bit more lucid. The doctor examined him, auscultated, looked into his throat and measured the fever. Upon seeing the number the thermometer showed, he smacked his lips, apparently displeased.

"You need a lot of rest, my boy," he ordered. "You will stay in bed until the end of week, at least. Here I leave aspirin, take it three times per day, two pills at once. Take in now, yes, good. It will reduce your fever, as well as help for your headache. You should use cold compresses, too. For now, your lungs are clear, but it may be a bronchitis. Some virus is raging through the town, most likely due to that sudden cold snap last week..."

"My friend... I met him yesterday, he had a cold, and he was coughing quite a lot," Josh felt an urge to inform. "I probably caught it from him."

The doctor nodded. "Quite likely. But you have a strong organism, so you'll recover in no time. However, you have to rest and drink a lot. And try to eat, although I believe you have no appetite. Harold," he turned to the patron, "have someone look on him regularly."

"Of course," the man assured. "No worry."

The doctor nodded again, this time with satisfaction, and rose. "If anything happens, call for me," he commended. "I believe, though, that the illness will simply resolve. It doesn't look bad, in spite of the fever - but you have to remember that the fever helps our organisms fight the pathogen," he instructed. "I leave several cough lozenge, in case a cough appears. Visit me on Monday," he turned to Josh again, "I have a practice on the Stone Street, and I open at two."

"Thank you," Josh said quietly, pulling the blanket and the cover up.

"You will be fine before you know it," the doctor solaced him, although in a serious voice, and Josh nodded.

He would be fine, and he would set up another date with Alain...

The fatigue got the better of him again, and he drifted off to sleep. It was what his body needed most. His spirit needed something - or, rather, someone - else, but it was not what he could count for.

* * *

Josh spent the day mostly on sleeping. He was too tired to think of anything and too numb to feel disappointed due to the cancelled meeting with Alain. Everything had receded, he could only see it out of the corner of his eye, but generally he remained in the pleasant daze, especially after his headache had worn off. Every now and then, he would wake up and then drift to shallow sleep. He was resting. It was only he could do.

In the afternoon, he waked up as someone was quietly knocking at the door. Earlier, he had been visited by the patron (who'd changed his compress), the kitchen maid (who'd brought him a meal he'd eaten only in half) and Kimbley after the lessons. Now they probably brought him something to eat again...

However, when no-one came in and, instead, the knocking repeated, Josh frowned. "Come in," he called in a weak voice, not really sure he would be heard from the corridor.

Apparently, he had, for the door opened... and Josh reached the conclusion he was delirious. The person who entered the room was none other than Alain Corail.

Josh blinked, dazed, looking at the tall figure that, from his angle, seemed even taller. Wearing his casual clothes, hair cut short, and that mole under his left eye Josh was unable to see now but could perfectly imagine. Alain every inch - only that Alain had nothing to do here, and thus Josh decided he was dreaming. Well, pretty nice dream, wasn't it?

Alain was standing and looking at him. That's how real Alain would act: he'd come here for only he knew for... and wouldn't know what to do next. 'Your brain is amazing, Joshua Or,' Josh told himself, in rapture over such a perfect image his mind had created. On the other hand... if it was a dream, Alain could do something more... extravagant? But it seemed Josh couldn't really count on it.

"Maybe you sit down?" he suggested, pulling the cover from his nose.

Alain stirred and took the seat on the chair next to the bed.

And the silence fell again.

"You came to visit me?" Josh asked, only to say something. If it was a dream, he could as well not worry about saying something stupid. He hadn't even imagined Alain could visit him, but his subconsciousness apparently had known better. After all, it wasn't that long ago that he'd been feeling like the most lonely person under the sun...

Alain nodded. "You didn't sound... well on the phone."

"I feel... I felt pretty bad. But the doctor said I should just rest, and it will resolve."

"That's good."

Josh smiled. Even Alain's voice sounded in his dream exactly like it should. "I had a terrible headache in the morning. Fortunately, it's wearing off. Aspirin works. I haven't been that sick in a while..." he confessed, somewhat embarrassed. "What about you? Often falling sick?"

Alain shook his head. "Fools never catch a cold," he replied with a crooked smile.

Josh grinned. "Well, seems it's not true," he said, giggling.

"Maybe exception proves the rule, then?" Alain suggested, and his smile widened, although it was still rather shy.

Josh felt the warmth filling him. Even though it was a dream, it was a very pleasant thing to see Alain like this. Of course, in reality he wouldn't wish to meet him now: bed-ridden, covered with blankets, feverish and generally unwell. In reality he wanted to be healthy, vigorous and ready for everything... He was glad his blush could be mistaken for a fever flush.

But, if it was a dream... He could do anything he wanted, although, apparently, he was sick as well. Well, at least he could say what he wished. How would it sound? Those words he had said in his thoughts so many times... Why not try it?

He levered himself on the elbow, staring in Alain's green eyes. The mole was still invisible, but he knew it was there. "Alain, I..." he started, his voice shaking. Would he have enough courage? "I l-"

"Ah," Alain obviously remembered something, for he looked around and then picked up a bag with some shopping in. "I brought you something... for getting better."

Josh blinked, dumbfounded. It seemed he had to wait for a real opportunity to confess his feelings... Wait, what was Alain saying?

"Orange juice, chocolate..." he take both out of the bad and put on the night table. "Grace used to say it's best for cold," he added quietly, lowering his eyes. "And... your favourite."

His favourite? Josh blinked again when Alain took a paper box out and gave to him. Leaning against the wall, he sat up - he didn't feel dizzy any more - and looked closer. The _Shelly_ logo on it, and inside... It couldn't possibly be true. Well, sure, it wasn't; it was a dream, after all.

Cheesecake.

Two pieces of a cheesecake. On a crust and with icing on the top. It smelled as only _Shelly's_ cheesecake could, making his mouth water. He'd had no appetite for a whole day, and now he felt he could swallow the cake whole.

Alain had brought him a cheesecake. He'd cared for him so much he'd thought what would give Josh pleasure.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a wonderful dream.

Cheesecake and Alain. Alain and cheesecake. Two things he loved most.

"I see you like it," Alain decided, clearly pleased. "You said you like cheesecake."

"I love it," Josh confirmed. "All for me?" he made sure. He wouldn't mind sharing, but...

"Sure."

Josh sniffed the cake again, squinting his eyes in delight. With such care, he would get well in no time, he already felt better... _Well, but it's a dream,_ he remembered, and his spirit went down a bit.

"Well? You're not going to eat?" Alain got alarmed.

"When I start eating, the dream will end," Josh explained, suppressing a sigh.

"What?"

Josh shook his head. It was no use killing the mood. In the meantime, Alain opened the juice box and poured some into a glass. Well, he would chance it. He took the cake in two fingers and bit a little off, cautiously. Delicious. The base was crispy, the icing was sweet, and the cheese mass was just right. He swallowed and had another bite, and then another... Alain passed him the glass, so he drank up - the fever was still high - and the dream wasn't ending.

Josh felt like in heaven.

"Then, it's okay," Alain spoke suddenly.

"What is?" Josh asked, surprised, wiping his fingers in a paper napkin.

"The thing with patisserie."

Josh frowned. "Do you really hate to go with me so much?" he asked.

Alain gave him an astonished look. "I didn't... It's not it..."

"Listen, if you don't like it that a kid like me tags on you, say it straight."

Alain blinked. Only after some time, Josh realized he had said it aloud. But, it was just a dream...

Apparently, even in a dream the mood could change radically. Not so long, only a minute ago, he'd felt so good, happy... and now he was saying such things. He laid back, resisting the temptation to pull the cover over his head.

"I didn't want to upset you," Alain said haltingly. "I'd better go..."

"Don't go," Josh objected, sticking his hand out of the blanket and grabbing Alain's hand, trying to stop him. "Don't go..." ha repeated softly. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm saying. I have a fever..." he felt low, excusing his display like this.

Only later he realized he had touched Alain for the first time in his life, and he quickly withdrew his hand. He felt dizzy again, the fever wouldn't give up... Or, maybe it wasn't a fever?

"I really want to go with you to the patisserie," he whispered. _For I don't believe you'd agree to anything else._ "To thank you for help." He smiled, remembering Kimbley's earlier visit. "I heard I got the highest score on the test," he shared the revelations.

"That's good... I'm glad," Alain replied hesitantly.

Josh couldn't stop smiling. He felt good again - warm, soft, gentle, calm... The previous agitation was gone, he'd already forgotten it...

"Stay with me for a little longer," he whispered, feeling he was dozing off. A strange sensation. Was it possible to fall asleep when already sleeping?

"All right," Alain's voice came from afar.

Josh drifted off to sleep with that exquisite feeling he thought had long since forgotten: that there was someone watching over him.

* * *

When he woke up again, it was already the evening, and the room was getting dark. The fever went down, he felt much better, and the headache was gone. He could think more clearly. It was all thanks to that dream, probably... A strange dream, but a very pleasant one. It seemed to him he could still taste the cheesecake on his tongue. _Human mind is incredible,_ he thought distractedly and remembered he should take his evening aspirin.

He sat up and reached for the medicine and water on the night table. He froze and spent the next moment or so only sitting and trying to calm down the frenzy beating of his heart, that had nothing to do with his fever this time. Orange juice, chocolate and the paper box from _Shelly_ , waiting there for being noticed.

He felt the blush creeping onto his face. He pinched himself. Beyond doubt... it was not a dream.

Alain had been here for real?

He felt like pulling the cover over his head and never getting out from under it. Oh God. No, it couldn't be true. Oh, God... He had behaved like an utter fool. He had been telling rubbish, making strange confession and hadn't controlled himself at all... On top of that, Alain had seen him like this: dishevelled, sweaty and definitely a sorry sight. Well, now there was no chance for any warm feeling on Alain's part.

The knocking at the door was to be heard, and the patron came in. Josh was glad the fever could explain the blush he'd been caught with.

"Orange juice and chocolate?" the man called, spotting the gifts. "I should've thought of it myself. I see you have some caring friends. It's very good."

"I had a... visitor," Josh muttered.

"Good, good. I can tell you're better already," the patron approved. "I hope they will visit you more often."

Josh murmured something indistinct.

Later, as he was waiting for the night sleep in the dark, he realized the feeling of embarrassment was gone. What was left was a warm impression of sympathy and kindness Alain had radiated when sitting by his bed and trying to comfort him. Only now Josh could see it - and appreciate.

He fell asleep with a smile, as well as a feeling that his recovery would be fast. After all, he had something to return to.

* * *

_Pink Floyd, "Comfortably Numb"_


	13. Chapter 13

**13.**   
_**(sie ist ein Modell und sie sieht gut aus)** _

* * *

On Sunday, Josh was well enough to go down to the canteen for breakfast. He was coughing a bit, but the fever and other symptoms had receded completely. To tell the truth, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so good. In the afternoon, he went for his first walk; it could only help him. It was a very pleasant thing: to feel the ground under his feet, to hear the buzzing of bees, and to see other people - healthy, joyful, busy with their matters. The weather was great again: the sun was beating down, the sky was cloudless, and one could feel the breath of upcoming summer on their faces. In the meantime, May had started, which spoke for itself.

Alain visited him once more, on Saturday - and brought cheesecake again! Josh couldn't believe his own luck, but eventually he had to. This time he'd tried to be prepared for the potential guests - even if he hadn't expected Alain, he had hoped for his coming nonetheless - and had combed his hair, at least.

"I feel better," he said. "I think I'll leave the bed tomorrow. On Monday, I'll go to see a doctor."

"That's good," Alain replied like he used to.

"Maybe... Maybe you could come with me, and later we could finally go to _Shelly_?" Josh suggested shyly. "If you're not busy, of course..."

Alain looked at him with some surprise and then nodded. Josh felt the warmth filling him. Distractedly, he thought he'd already got used to Alain's way of expressing himself. He didn't need any extravagance in this matter; one nod could raise his spirits and make him smile.

"The doctor said he opens... I think, at two. Is it okay? Not too early?" he made sure, although, according to the timetable he'd memorised, on Monday Alain's lessons ended at noon.

Alain nodded again.

"Then, can we meet in front of the main gate, half past one?"

"Fine," Alain replied shortly, so like him.

"I hope it won't take long," Josh worried. "I don't want to take your time..."

"I said it's fine."

Josh felt silent. It seemed Alain tended to be firm in some matters, and Josh liked it, too. Besides... Maybe it was just him, but he couldn't quite resist the impression Alain had become more... direct with him. He felt the butterflies in his stomach at the very thought. Not to think about it any more, he took the other piece of cheesecake and tucked in.

"On Monday... you're going to buy yourself cheesecake, too?" Alain asked, amusement mixing with disbelief in his voice.

"Sure. I could eat cheesecake every day," Josh replied, looking like a content cat. If he had a tail, he would surely wave it. Although, cats didn't use to wave their tails when content... Anyway.

Alain held back his smile, and only his lips twitched. Josh thought he could stare at him for the whole eternity and never have enough. Like cheesecake.

"Thanks for visiting me," he said on the spur of the moment. "It raised my spirits. You know... When you're all by yourself, you can't really count on someone's company in such times. Thank you."

Alain looked at him and frowned. Now there was no trace of smile on his face.

"Ah! You've told me about your sister, while I haven't told you anything about myself. Well, maybe you don't want to hear about it...?" Josh suggested, feeling his heart speed up.

Alain slowly shook his head, his gaze still serious. Josh felt relieved. He'd always wanted to tell Alain about his life, about his past... He'd hoped Alain would hear him out, give him attention, maybe understand him a bit...

"I never knew my parents," he said. "For as long as I can remember, I lived in an orphanage. But one day a man appeared. He said he was my grandfather and took me in. So I can say I had quite a happy childhood," he decided lightly. "I didn't feel I lacked something. I only regret grandfather died so soon..." he added in a softer voice. "I wish I could show him that everything is okay."

"Is it?" Alain asked, very directly for him.

Josh nodded. Of course it was. It couldn't be better. Well, maybe it could... but he had still time. "I'm healthy... Well, except for occasional colds I recover from quickly," he qualified. "I study in a good school with nice people. I think I don't need much more," he said, shrugging. "Sure, it would be a good thing to grow taller in order to-" _kiss the tall guys_ "-to see better in the crowd."

Alain mused. "You don't feel... lonely sometimes?" he asked, cautiously.

Josh shrugged again. "I can't help it that I have no family," he said carelessly. "I got used to it. I manage on my own. Besides... I have Erwin. Ah, right!" he remembered. "I wanted to show you my photos. They are there, on the desk. If you feel like viewing them..."

Alain nodded and fetched the album. Josh levered himself on the elbow. "Not so many of them," he confessed, somewhat embarrassed, when Alain was leafing through the book. "Those are from my childhood... Those from the school are terrible, aren't they?" he said, laughing. "I think I like those from here most. Those are from the middle school... and those are the newest."

Alain raised his brows questioningly when he reached the photos made by Cecile.

"Here's Erwin," Josh explained, pointing at the picture with his friend. "We lived together in the middle school, but then he moved to the town. He is my best friend... And here's his girlfriend, Cecile. They are real lovebirds," he added with some irony. "But I think Erwin couldn't have chosen better. She is really okay."

As Alain seemed to have nothing against it, Josh told him about how Erwin and Cecile had met each other. However, he omitted any mention of his own part in that story; there was no use in bothering Alain with unnecessary details...

"Anyway, they've been together for two years now, and they already plan getting married," he finished. "Gross, isn't it? Erwin is only sixteen, after all."

Alain raised his head and looked at him. "You... don't have a girlfriend, do you?" he asked hesitantly.

'How naive one can be?' Josh thought, trying not to roll his eyes. Really, what world Alain lived in, if he asked such questions?

"Nah..." he replied, fighting the urge to say more. "And you?" he returned, unable to keep silent.

Alain shook his head.

"Quite hard to believe," Josh decided. "I bet you turn girls' heads on the street..." he hadn't wanted to say it, but he couldn't resist the temptation.

Alain frowned again. "I don't think so..."

"Why, you don't lack anything. You're tall, good-looking, you may impress people..." Josh enumerated. Now it was Alain who looked at him in disbelief. "You don't pay attention to girls?" Josh asked quietly.

"To tell the truth... no," Alain replied after a while, and Josh tried to calm down his heart.

"Well, you do seem like you... are in your own world," he said cautiously. "Like you're thinking of something else."

"Really?"

"Really."

Alain lowered his head and kept leafing through the album, although it seemed to Josh he wasn't really looking at the pictures.

"You know," Josh started shyly, "that time, on the cemetery... If you'd like to talk to me about it, then go ahead." Alain gave him another look, this time quite penetrating one. "I think... there are not many people around you could confide in about your problems."

Alain's sight grew wary. "Why should I do something like this?" he asked, straightening on the chair, and put the album aside.

It hurt. But, actually, Alain was right, Josh thought, suppressing a sigh. Why should he talk about his business to the second-year? However, it didn't change the fact that...

"I just... think that sometimes it's better to get a load off your mind," he said quietly, unwilling to give up. After all, he wanted to help. "Sometimes, when you think too much... when you're lonely, strange thoughts may occur to you. Anyway... if you feel like, one day, I'll be glad to hear you out," he finished with a vague feeling of failure.

The bell struck three. Alain stirred and got up. "I have to go."

Josh nodded, swallowing down the sudden disappointment. "Then, we see each other on Monday? Half past one?" he needed to make sure Alain hadn't changed his mind.

Alain nodded, clearly preoccupied. 'Well, it's okay,' Josh thought, following him to the door with his eyes.

Apparently, it would take a lot of time until Alain trusted him. The problem was _lack_ of time.

He sighed and lay down, staring at the ceiling.

'What must be, must be,' he decided, but the feeling of uncertainty wouldn't leave.

* * *

On Monday, however, such thoughts no longer bothered him. The new day arrived, the sun was shining again, and he felt good and could look ahead optimistically again. Alain was awaiting him in front of the gate and seemed like always: pensive, quiet, calm - and present. And Josh was like always, too. There was no point in worrying.

The waiting room by the doctor's was crowded - mostly with older ladies, who kept coughing and chattering about their illnesses - and it didn't bode well. Josh gave Alain slightly alarmed look, thinking frantically how to get out of the dire straits. It was clear Alain wouldn't wait many hours here with him! Then, however, the familiar doctor emerged from his office and, upon seeing Josh, waved at him.

"That young man came for a check-up," he quietened the people as the room was filled with indignant whispers. "Do not worry. It won't take long."

The old ladies who had just been giving Josh kind looks - "So young, and ill already?" one had said with an evident compassion, and others nodded in agreement with her - now were casting rather hostile glances at him. Alain signalled he would wait outside, and Josh slipped inside the doctor's office. Apparently, there were another risks in treatment the illness...

The doctor percussed and auscultated him. He was satisfied to state that the improvement was clear, and that Josh could attend school again. The cough should recede in a few days, too. Josh ensured him that occasional coughing wasn't a problem to him. In general, the doctor was contented with the recovery of his patient and counselled him to remember about not getting cold, sleeping enough and eat properly. Josh nodded, his thoughts already with the cheesecake he was going to eat any moment; he couldn't imagine anything else to count as more 'proper' food.

They quickly leaved Stone Street and made for the Little Market Square. Josh was joyful, his stride was light, and he enjoyed the day.

"You seem very pleased," Alain noticed.

"I am," Josh replied outright. "I'm well. And we have a da- Well, I'm glad we can finally go to the patisserie."

"You're really crazy about cheesecake," Alain claimed, refraining from laughing. Apparently, he thought Josh's fondness of the cake unusual.

"Come on, it's not only about cheesecake," Josh remarked at once, looking askance at him, "but about nice way to spend time." Alain gave him a very straight look, so unlike him, that almost fazed Josh. "After all, you can't study all the time, can you? Not to mention staying in bed..."

"I thought you were going to apply for a scholarship to university," Alain threw in with some irony.

"I am," Josh stayed on track. "That's why I have to study a lot. All the more reason why I should enjoy the moments I can do something more pleasant. What about you? How do you like to spend your time?" he asked, grabbing the opportunity. If he wanted to learn something, the easiest way was to ask straight - not counting that Alain would tell him by himself.

Alain shrugged, and Josh repressed a sigh. It seemed Erwin was right when he said that Alain could be one of those people who didn't use to think about the present.

"Walks, books, music?" he prompted. "Oh! You play basketball, don't you?" Alain nodded. "It must be nice, with that height of yours," Josh decided, pushing away the unpleasant feeling. "On the other hand, I..."

"Come on, you're not that small." Josh blinked. "Or, anyway... I don't think you are," Alain added awkwardly. "I don't care about it."

'It's easy for you to say,' Josh thought, annoyed - but, in fact, he felt happy. He really didn't have a reason to be angry. Maybe he did worry about the trifles too much? But, every guy wanted to be tall, right? He had to ask Georges Saphir one day.

"We're here," Alain's voice broke his reverie, and Josh noticed they had arrived indeed.

They entered _Shelly_ , where the afternoon visitors slowly gathered in, mostly students of the urban schools who had finished their lessons. It was almost three, so it wasn't that strange.

"Then... a cheesecake for you, too?" Josh asked shyly, realizing he didn't know what Alain would like.

"Fine," Alain nodded.

"And a coffee?" Josh made sure.

"Today, we recommend mint coffee," the waitress threw in.

"Mint coffee?" Alain puzzled. "Well, I'll take it," he decided rather quickly.

"For me... an Earl Grey, after all," Josh chose not to experiment today.

As they were waiting for their order, Josh realized Alain hadn't answered the question about how he liked to spend his free time. Josh probably should find it out if he assumed they would spend it together in the future...

"Then... What do you do after school?" he asked casually. "Sometimes you look like someone who has nothing to do," he supplied with some spite.

Alain seemed as if he wanted to shrug again, but changed his mind. "I study... a bit..." he replied. "But I have no academic ambitions," he added bitingly.

Josh waved his hand. If Alain felt like making fun of him, he could go ahead. It was better than if he were silent, anyway...

"Then, you're not studying all the time," he decided. "I bet you have a lot of free time during fourth year..."

"Sometimes I go to throw a ball," Alain said and fell silent. It seemed he was really thinking intensively on his answer. But, apparently, that was it for his inventiveness, for he didn't say more.

Josh waited until he could no longer hold back. "I have the image of you mostly lying on your bed and staring at the ceiling," he said in some disbelief. The problem was he suspected it could be true. He suppressed a sigh again.

On the other hand, it was still better than hanging out with shady elements. "Well, if you like it..." he decided compromisingly. 'But I find it a waste of your youth,' he added in his thoughts.

The waitress came back, holding a tray filled with delicacies, and Josh forgot all that philosophical rubbish at once. The cheesecake was as luscious as always... Alain got to his piece with attention... and Josh couldn't wait for his reaction. Although, he decided belatedly, he should really count on any. Alain wasn't a person who used to show their emotions at every opportunity. At _any_ opportunity?

"I always debate with myself what is the best," he said, "a crust, an icing, or maybe the cheese?"

The way Alain looked at him clearly indicated he regarded Josh as a lunatic, but when he spoke, his voice was serious, "I think it's the overall taste that's most important, isn't it?" he asked rhetorically.

Josh blinked - and considered the idea. Sure, it was sensible. After all, he loved cheesecake as a whole, not for its components, but... _But always something is better than something else, and you always have something you like best,_ he concluded, unwilling to give up his right to choose. Well, he had the whole life to choose eventually.

Alain ate his piece and said, "It was good."

Josh blinked again, realizing he was still eating. He took another bit on the fork. Alain was drinking his coffee - a mint one.

"How is coffee?"

"Tastes funny, but it's good as well."

"Do you want to order something more?"

Alain shook his head. Josh finished eating.

"Back to the topic..." he resumed. "If you don't know how to spend your time, then... maybe you could keep me company, from time to time?" he asked shyly. Alain gave him a searching look. "You asked me before if I don't feel lonely sometimes... and I said I'd got used to it," he went on. "To tell the truth, there are times I wish I had someone to... talk to. After Erwin moved to the town, something changed. I couldn't find common grounds with my new room-mate, and this year I've been boarding by myself..."

He realized there was too much begging to his voice, and he paused. He lifted the cup to his mouth in order to hide his embarrassment. The silence fell again.

"I don't know if I'm a good company... to talk," Alain said finally, and there was some scepticism in his words.

"Come on, I haven't such an impression for one moment!" Josh called wholeheartedly. "I like to talk with you, I really do!"

Honestly, what opinion did Alain have of himself? Did he think he should hide under the rock and never show himself to people? Did he consider himself a boring guy? Or, maybe... he didn't feel like talking to Josh? This thought wasn't... pleasant.

However, Alain said, "I'll think about it," and for some reason it didn't sound that bad as it could have.

After all, so far he _had_ agreed to meet with Josh - and Josh didn't wish for more than maintain such a state of affairs. Sure, he had his own plans, and they contained much more specific vision of their... relationship, but he wasn't going to bother himself with them now.

A soft ringing of a bell was to be heard, and then a whistle, as well as the excited whispers, came from the next table. Josh looked back. A girl was standing in the doorway - but what a girl! You wouldn't see such every day. Her red hair were falling down in waves around her oval face, and the big violet eyes, emphasized by her make-up, completed the picture. She was an incarnation of feminine beauty. She couldn't be more than twenty years old, although she appeared quite mature - maybe thanks to her outfit that seemed to be the latest fashion. She was accompanied by a dandy who, however, faded when compared with her, for she was taking the stage, like a film star.

"Is she your type?" Josh asked, turning back to Alain.

Alain cast an indifferent look at the girl and shook his head. He was drinking his coffee and didn't seem interested in the slightest,

"Then, what kind of girls do you like?" Josh enquired quite provocatively. "Blondes? Brunettes?"

Alain put the cup down in quite an abrupt move. "Why are we talking about it?" he asked irritably, which both surprised and alarmed Josh. Until now, he had been in a good mood. He had been somewhat glum and quiet, but it was his normal mood; Josh had already figured it out.

"I think it's a normal thing for guys to talk about girls..." he replied.

"Do we have to talk at all?"

Josh felt as if he'd just been hit, and lowered his head. He hadn't expected Alain to say something like this, and so directly, on top of it. Apparently, he had overdone it again. After all, Alain might have felt bored and annoyed by such an idle talk - even if, for Josh, it was a main way they communicated.

Alain focused his eyes on him and sighed. It seemed his anger was gone. "Then, what's _your_ type of girl?" he asked.

Josh cowered. "I... don't have," he answered truthfully. "But I think she... should be... smart... and have a sense of humour," he added, fixing his gaze on the table.

Alain looked at him for a moment, and then his lips twitched. "And she probably should be able to make cheesecake?" he suggested.

Josh shook his head. "I can always have a cheesecake here," he replied, feeling his good mood leave him.

Why it turned out like this? Why couldn't they talk normally? _How_ should he speak with Alain? About what things? Alain never asked him anything; it was Josh who had to pull everything out of him, risking the situations like this one. It was not fair... He'd come here, hoping for a nice chat, and everything went wrong.

But maybe it was his fault, too? He wished he could talk with Alain directly, speak his mind and heart - but he was scared that, had he really said it, Alain would simply leave, uncomfortable with Josh's word. In that case, maybe he shouldn't really count on having any deeper relationship with Alain, based on trust...

It depressed him. Still, he had to afford at least _some_ sincerity if he didn't want to spoil everything - although he knew well that it was risky too.

"To tell the truth, I don't bother myself with girls," he said, raising his head again and looking Alain in the eye. "So we had better talk about school." Alain blinked. "The fourth-years have the final exams, right? All the subjects?"

"No, only literature, mathematics, biology, geography, history... And languages," Alain enumerated. "As for the rest, you need only attendance."

"But you will have the marks of all subjects on your certificate, right?"

"Yeah... Those that ends in second and third year, too."

Josh nodded, thoughtful. "How is your study going?" he asked, trying to sound confident.

Alain knitted his brow. "Wha-"

"Because I thought," Josh didn't let him finish, "we should really apply ourselves to studying if we want to have good certificates."

"I didn't say I want-" Alain started and paused, apparently realizing that saying it wouldn't sound good.

"Right," Josh pretended he hadn't heard it. "What do you think of studying together? I'll be doing my work, and you'll be doing yours."

"What's the point in it?" Alain asked, and he was right. A bit.

But Josh had his plans. "We will stimulate each other to study," he said, and he really believed it. Only some time ago, he'd thought he wouldn't be able to focus on learning in Alain's presence, but the life had proved him wrong. "Besides... It may sound selfish, but I can ask you for help if I have any problem."

Alain frowned again. It seemed he was considering the idea - which was a success in and of itself. "Think about it. You don't have to decide now. It was just a suggest," Josh knew it wouldn't do to be too pushy. "Tomorrow, I'm going to visit the library..."

"The library?" Alain almost winced.

"I have a physics paper to write," Josh explained. They were ordered to return it by the end of school year... so he could as well do it now. "I'm going to need materials. What about you?"

"I have a maths test soon," Alain said after a while.

"Then, you can do the problems in the same time," Josh pointed out. "I'm going to be there around four. Come, if you want."

Alain nodded, and Josh had to settle for it. He hoped Alain would buy into the idea because... that way they would spend a lot of time together. And it would be a very natural way of spending time. That was, of course, given that studying in the library could be considered a natural way of spending time if you were young and in love. Especially in spring.

But he wasn't going to worry about it. If he could kill two birds with one stone, it would be great. Alain didn't seem the type who liked talking - then maybe Josh should make do with keeping quiet together? Really, he should have thought of it earlier. It was just that... he'd _always_ been talking a lot. He was of the opinion that people communicated with words. But maybe Alain wasn't? Or maybe he was of none, and he simply didn't want to talk? It seemed he liked to be with Josh - or, at least, he had nothing against it - but he often was uncomfortable when Josh asked him questions. Maybe Josh should just accept it and try to do it Alain's way?

He felt his energy was back - like always when he made plans. He shook his head. It was a common thing that there were problems in any relationship (they weren't in a relationship yet, but Josh preferred to think they were), especially at the beginning, when the partners had yet to get known each other. He shouldn't lose heart when things didn't go his way, but he should try to clear the misunderstanding instead and learn more about Alain. Give Alain freedom of thought and action. Everything would be fine.

Later, when they were heading back for the campus, he thanked Alain for the meeting. "Sorry if I say some rubbish sometimes," he said spontaneously, "I've never been hanging with seniors, and I kind of don't know how I should act around you. I bet you regard me as a brat..."

Alain looked at him, but he seemed a bit confused. "I... haven't met anyone... like you, either," he spoke, and it seemed he wanted to say more, but he remained silent in the end.

"Even so, I hope we... can be friends," Josh dared to confess, and then he turned on his heel and ran to the main building, never looking back.

Optimism was a key.

* * *

_She's a model and she's looking good - Kraftwerk, "Das Modell"_


	14. Chapter 14

**14.**   
_**(will you draw me?)** _

* * *

When Tuesday lessons were over, Josh took the bag to his room, ate an apple and headed for the library with a notebook. As he had expected, the reading room was almost empty - after all, who normal would waste such a beautiful day on studying? He didn't care. If he had to choose from the two: idle daydreaming of Alain and doing something useful with a chance of actually meeting Alain, there choice was obvious.

He brought himself several books from the shelf and took a table by the window. He rarely visited this place - he lived alone, so he had perfect conditions for studying in his room - but the library made quite a pleasant impression on him. That particular scent of books and dust, that silence filled with calm and knowledge innumerable volumes were containing... Josh thought there surely were more romantic places for a date, but he liked it here, too.

Currently, they were doing astronomy in physics classes, and the teacher had assigned a paper on the Solar System. Josh had chosen Uranus, and now he was making a syllabus. Characteristics, orbital period, moons... Moons? He glanced at the contents. Oh, there were quite many... Definitely, more than in case of Earth... One, two, three... Well, it meant the paper would be a bit longer he'd assumed. Oh, and it had the rings, too! Then, it was not only Saturn...

He immersed himself in the studying, almost shifting into the space surrounding Oberon and Titania, Ariel and Umbriel, and Miranda, and became oblivious to the world. He got away from the atlas when someone took the opposite seat. Josh stirred and raised his head, only to see Alain, who was observing him with something akin to a smile. He realized Alain must have been standing for a while by the table before he'd sat down, but Josh was so absorbed by Uranus he hadn't noticed.

"Concentration of an academic," Alain said with a taunt.

Josh held back a blush and moved the books closer to make a room for Alain. "Well, I'm not going to study astronomy, that's for sure," he replied with a twinkle, "although I find it very interesting."

"You're writing an astronomy paper?" Alain inquired, looking at the atlas. "We had it, too."

"Oh. And what did you choose?"

"Can't remember," Alain replied quite carelessly. "I think I didn't submit it in the end..."

"Ah, well..." Josh thought he wasn't that surprised. Still... "You don't like physics?" he asked. "You seem a scientific mind, so..."

"Physics is fine, but... I never liked astronomy. I can't quite believe in all that universe thing."

Josh blinked, wondering whether Alain was serious or not. "Well, apparently... Earth is enough for you," he decided. "But, as I said, you often seem to be on another planet..."

Alain shrugged, obviously unwilling to continue the subject. Josh drove away the vision of Alain sitting on the Saturn's rings and waving at him in the direction of Uranus. He muffled his laughter. Alain gave him a questioning look, but Josh only shook his head. Really, his own imagination could surprise him when he expected it the least.

Alain put his exercise book on the table, although he didn't seem very eager to make the problems. For his part, Josh enjoyed the warmth that filled him at the thought Alain had decided to come after all. It was so... nice.

"You're going to sit here for a longer while?" Alain asked hesitantly.

"Until I'm finished," Josh replied.

Alain sighed... and opened his book. "Then..." Soon his pen was scratching on the paper.

"You really should consider studying mathematics," Josh said quietly, returning to his assignment. For some reason, he was seeing Uranus in new view...

Now it was Alain who snorted. Josh smiled.

* * *

Josh promised to come the next day as soon as at two. He intended to make up for the days he'd been sick and complete the notes. Alain muttered something about doing more problems on investigation of functions, so they were appointed. On the way back to his room, Josh was almost floating in the air and wearing a silly expression.

Wednesday was effortless and humane. Art class remembered him about asking Alain about posing him for a portrait; he had to do it today. In the main hall, he had run into Erwin, who was apparently in hurry - but not so much that he wouldn't pull Josh by the sleeve to the corner and ask, "How is it going?"

Josh felt like playing dumb, but it wouldn't have worked with Erwin. He suppressed a sigh. "Moving ahead, somehow."

Erwin gave him a thumb-up, and Josh couldn't help smiling. Someone started coughing behind his back. Erwin slightly moved away and then leaned toward Josh. "It seems everyone got ill, Josh. I was awfully sick last week," he confessed. "Fortunately... I was in a wonderful care," he added in an undertone, blushing.

'But not as good as I,' Josh thought, keeping his secrets to himself. He patted Erwin on the back and ran straight to the library.

* * *

'One could say that time drags when you're studying, but it's not true,' he decided. Sitting with Alain in the library was really nice; first, he was _with_ Alain, and second, he was doing something profitable. Sitting in silence wasn't, maybe, the best method to get to know another person - although, he suspected the philosophers wouldn't agree with him on that - but it seemed to suit Alain. Also, the chances of Josh saying something stupid and discouraging Alain that way were minimal... He sighed inwardly, for the chances of developing their relationship were minimal, too. _A stalemate. And how do you like it, Joshua Or? You've always been pressing forward._

Well, apparently even he was able to weigh up the possible gains and losses, and draw some conclusion. Besides, he preferred to optimistically believe that Alain appreciated the fact they could be silent together, not only talk - especially that they weren't that good at talking, Josh thought critically.

He finished copying English notes and closed the notebook. Alain had been observing him for a while now; apparently, he'd got bored with his maths problems.

"You're going to come here every day?" he asked in some disbelief. Josh nodded. "But not at weekends, too?"

"Nah..." Josh replied, and Alain seemed relieved. "I thought I would study outside during weekends."

Alain blinked. "You know, it's not very healthy..." he suggested.

"Studying outside?" Josh puzzled.

"Studying for a whole week," Alain qualified, frowning, but his lips twitched.

"I don't think so... But, do _you_ have a better idea of spending weekends?"

Alain blinked again. "I planned to visit the cemetery. On Saturday. Do you... want to come with me?"

Josh's heart leapt. "Of course!"

Alain looked at him, smiling shyly, and Josh remembered it was that smile that used to got straight to his heart. Warmth filled him again. When studying, he'd focused so much on it that he'd almost forgotten he was in love with Alain.

Terrible.

Then, they would go for a walk on Saturday. Josh felt like jumping for joy. He hoped the weather would be fine... Maybe they could go somewhere else later? He had a vision of walking in the meadow with Alain... Ah!

"Um, Alain?"

"I'm here all the time," Alain replied amused. "It's you who was somewhere else. Maybe on Uranus," he added with a taunt.

Josh shook his head to sober himself. "Would you agree to pose me for a portrait?" he asked outright.

Alain blinked. "For a portrait?" he uttered.

"Would you?"

"No."

Ugh. A simple answer to a simple question.

"I have to improve my art mark. Professor gave me another chance," he didn't give up. "I thought I could ask you..."

"I don't like such things," Alain said, clearly uncomfortable.

"Would you hate it so much?" Josh asked, trying to force back the feeling of disappointment. "You could do something... like reading... and not pay attention to me."

Alain observed him for a while, his brows knitted. "I don't want," he said finally. Josh lowered his head. He didn't intend to resign at once... "You could draw your friend. Or his girlfriend..." Alain suggested hesitantly.

Josh waved his hand. "Erwin would never let me draw Cecile..." He wasn't that sure of it, but he didn't want to draw _her_ anyway. Besides, it wasn't about the art credit but having the picture of Alain. "And Erwin has some phobia and hates the images of himself. It's a miracle he agreed to have the photos taken."

The silence fell between them. Finally, when he got no answer, Josh gathered the books and rose. "I'm going back. I'll come around four tomorrow. I have an English test on Monday," he said, not looking at Alain. He didn't want to sulk, but he couldn't help feeling down. "See you."

On his way to the room, he asked himself why he couldn't enjoy his successes and was focusing on failures instead. Maybe Erwin had been right when saying that, when he planned something, he expected it to be fulfilled one hundred percent, otherwise he wouldn't be satisfied? It didn't sound good... He wished he could enjoy what he had, yet it seemed he'd become too demanding at some point.

But he really wanted to have a picture of Alain!

He shook his head, running upstairs. He tossed the books onto the desk and himself onto the bed. He thrashed about for a while. Demanding or not, he wanted to have a picture of Alain. He had to convince him somehow!

* * *

Thursday was quite similar: Josh was swotting English, and Alain brought a history textbook. Judging from the sound it made when Alain opened it, the upperclassman was holding it for the first time. Well, maybe second, given that the first one was when he'd bought it. Josh hid his smile behind his notes and thought with some surprise that, in the matter of education, he had undoubtedly a good influence on Alain.

After some hours, when they were done, Alain suddenly said, "What about going somewhere tomorrow, in reward for studying so hard this week? Say... for cheesecake?"

"Seriously?" An indignant hissing came from the librarian, but Josh didn't care. Although he lowered his voice, "You're being serious?"

Alain nodded, holding back his smile, apparently at the sight of Josh's enthusiasm.

"That's... great," Josh said in a faint tone, falling on the backrest.

He was too dazed to think. It seemed Alain Corail had just invited him for a date. Of course, it was a date only in Josh's head, but it didn't change the fact that Alain, for the first time, did something on his own initiative. Josh felt like cheering.

"What time do you finish tomorrow?" Alain's voice broke his blissful reverie.

"At two."

"Can we go right after it?"

"Sure. I'm happy. Thanks."

Josh's stride, as he was running to his room, was very light.

* * *

On Friday afternoon, _Shelly_ was quite crowded, but they managed to find a table for themselves, notwithstanding. Josh was eating his cheesecake and squinting from delight, and Alain was observing him, amused. Sipping his Earl Grey, Josh decided that studying was still the safest conversation piece.

"Wait, you say you had that maths test today? That from... investigating of something?" he asked.

"Investigation of functions," Alain prompted, putting his cup down.

It sounded dangerously. Josh had no idea what it was about, and he drove away the thought he too would be studying it, one day... "And? How it went?" he asked.

Alain shrugged. "Like always."

"Which means?" Josh straightened up in his chair. "Fine, of course?"

"Think so," Alain replied somewhat impatiently. Ugh, it seemed he still felt uncomfortable when being in question.

"We're going to have another maths test at the beginning of June," Josh informed. "This time it's sequences."

"Piece of cake," Alain said in a voice Josh had never heard of him.

"You think so? Seems quite complicated to me..." He should strike while iron was hot and build Alain up at the opportunity. No-one died of compliments. "I suppose I might ask you for help again. Is it really so easy to you? Maths, I mean?" he asked in some disbelief.

Alain shrugged again. "It's very logical."

"Well, yeah, but all those formulas... I always got them mixed. I have no head for it." He put the cup aside. "I bet there are not so many people who are good with it. You really should study it..."

"But it's boring," Alain cut him short. "It doesn't interest me at all."

"Then, what is it that interests you?" Alain kept silent. Josh suppressed his sigh. "You had a career counselling meetings with your home room teacher, didn't you?"

"I didn't attend."

Josh sighed. "You're quite... carefree," he said. "You're graduating in a month, and you don't know what you're going to do after it?"

Alain frowned and fixed his gaze on the table. He used to do it whenever unnerved by Josh's words; Josh had learned to read the marks, in order to not upset him more.

"Well, it's not that I'm any better. I don't know what to do, either," he said to change the object of their talk. "Of course," he remembered his alleged plans, "the scholarship to university sounds good, but I don't know the field yet... Recently, someone suggested psychology."

"Psychology? What's that?"

"Study of the soul. I don't know that much of it myself," he confessed. "But seems it deals with what is happening in human mind. What a person is thinking, how, why... How they are acting, and so on."

"This is what interests you?" Alain asked in disbelief.

"I don't know. I just like to think about what I do or feel... Maybe I could handle that?"

"I... think so."

Josh felt like blushing. Alain always surprised him when saying such things outright.

"As for another subjects..." he kept talking. "Literature is the same to me as maths is to you: I understand it, but find it boring anyway. Maths, ugh, definitely not for me. History... it depends on the period: some are very dull, others are fine. I like geography and biology, too, but I don't believe I could study them."

"What about medicine?" Alain suggested with a smirk. "You like learning so much..."

Josh waved his hand. "Come on. I'd lose my patience at the second patient already. They are so annoying..."

Alain kept observing him closely. "You don't look like someone who lose their patience easily..."

"You think so?"

Alain nodded. Well, it was nice to hear something like this from him. Still...

"In any case, medicine is not my thing," he said firmly. "It's enough to know the basics of human biology. I bet we'll have it on third year. If I need more, I'll look into the books." He was pretty good at searching for knowledge in the books.

The patisserie was getting more and more crowded, so Alain paid the bill, and they left. Afternoon sunlight was falling softly on the building walls and reflecting in the windows. As the couples were passing them in the street, Josh moved away from Alain; suddenly he felt like taking him by the arm and walking like them... Maybe some day.

"What about your portrait?" Alain asked hesitantly.

' _Your_ portrait,' Josh corrected him in thoughts and made a long face. "Nothing... It seems I have to settle for the lower mark..." he said, trying to sound sad. Alain kept silent. "You really think it would be such a bother to you?" Josh asked pleadingly. "When you concentrate on something, you stop paying attention to your surroundings..."

Alain gave him an amused look. "That would be you. Sitting with your nose in the books and never look up."

The wave of heat filled Josh. It seemed Alain used to observe him during their library sessions. That thought was... pleasant. But, of course - he reached a quick conclusion, trying to calm down his racing heart - it didn't bode well for Alain's study if he was staring at Josh.

But surely he didn't do it all the time, his common sense pointed out.

Josh didn't know how he would feel in case Alain were looking at him all the time. It was... to abstract. Even if Alain made the impression of a man who didn't have much to do and _could_ waste his time on doing something as pointless as gaping at Josh...

He held back the blush.

Well... He _did_ want Alain to look at him. In the first place, he wanted Alain to look at him and _see_ him. In that case, why was he so alarmed by the thought Alain was observing him? He thought he started to understand Alain's aversion to posing now...

No, 'alarmed' wasn't a right word. It was more like...

"Hello, it's Earth to Uranus," came from Alain's direction.

Josh stirred and shook his head. They arrived at the campus gate. Really, he shouldn't get so distracted. He looked at Alain and saw the ghost of smile on his lips. He shook his head again.

"Then, tomorrow we're going to visit Grace?" he asked, trying to hide his embarrassment. "What time?"

They agreed for eleven, without making any educational plans. At the moment, Josh had too much on his hands to care for studying.

He felt, however, that the portrait had become a bit more real. It filled him with optimism.

* * *

They took the flowers from the previous visit and put new on the grave.

"How it is to have siblings?" Josh asked as they were slowly heading towards the cemetery gate.

Alain folded his arms and mused. "I think it's... something good," he replied. "When I learned I had a sister... I wanted to meet her at once. Grace was older, but... as a guy... I felt like... protecting her."

Josh nodded, trying to imagine it. In fact, he treated Erwin like a brother, but it was still only his idea. He didn't know how it felt between real siblings. "Grace must have been pretty close to you..."

"Well, we weren't even blood relatives," Alain said quietly. "I..." Josh glanced at him, but remained silent. "Besides... it's a past now," Alain supplied, running one hand through his hair and looking ahead. "It happened and won't happen again."

"Do you miss her sometimes?" Josh asked in a softer voice.

Alain was still not looking at him. "I think I start accepting it that she's gone," he answered after a while. "Though I still find it unfair she died that way, so young..." He smiled wryly. "You know what people say in such situations? That God loved her so much He took her to His side. But what is left for _people_ who loved her?"

Josh wondered what he should say so that it wouldn't sound like a platitude. "Those who left have lives," he said quietly, frowning. He was silent for a while, and then he went on, "I... never knew my parents. I don't know whether they died or simply... abandoned me. I prefer to believe it's the former... But it didn't change the fact they gave me life. I'm here, and I'm alive. I hardly have anything else, only this life."

Now, Alain looked at him, and his gaze was almost timid.

"I have to live through as much as I can. I have to experience as much as possible," Josh continued. "Good things, maybe even bad things, too. All of them are my life. I won't have another one.

"Even if sometimes you feel there's no sense to your living?" Alain asked.

Josh shook his head. "I find that sense myself. No-one can do it for me. I set goals and achieve them. I find dreams and try to realize them. As long as I'm alive, I have a chance for happiness."

"Happiness," Alain repeated.

"We have once talked about it," Josh said calmly.

Happiness had so many forms. That moment his happiness was the mere fact he was walking by Alain's side and talking to him. Maybe in the evening, maybe as soon as the next hour, he would deem this talk and this walk a failure, for some reason - but now he enjoyed them.

The bell of the church tower struck the noon. The sunlight flickered on the tall spire and gold ornaments.

"Come," Josh said to Alain. "I want to show you something."

They headed for the church. When they stood in front of the entrance, Alain hesitated. It was obvious he didn't feel like going inside.

"I want to climb the tower," Josh explained. "Ever been there?"

Alain shook his head. They slipped into the building - and into entirely new reality. The porch was dim, filled with the smell of incense and that particular scent all churches had: stone and old wood mixed with flowers and candles. They climbed the wooden stairs of the tower. Josh didn't consider his physical condition that bad, but even he was short of breath when reaching the uppermost landing. Alain followed him, his steps creaking. Above, the big bells were hung - now silent although, the walls seemed to still vibrate with their sound.

Josh moved into the small balcony that had a view over Idealo, its southern part at least. The tower was the highest point in the town, so it was quite a sight. It always took Josh breath away. The sky was so vast, and so close - it seemed he could reach it... He realized he'd missed that soothing view. It had been two years since the last time he'd come here...

Alain slipped onto the platform next to him. There was not much space there, so they almost touch. At this altitude the wind was stronger, and it kept blowing through the hair. Josh looked down, on the townhouses and people who looked like ants, and farther, to the edge of the town, on fields, grove... The campus was there, too, more to the left.

"When I feel down, I come here. I discovered this place after my moving to Idealo," Josh said. "When I'm here and look down... and far in the distance... then I become aware of how big the world is. I use to think my sorrows and problems are important only to me and matter to no-one else. It helps me to carry them when I get down and go back to the place I live in."

"Do you do it often?" Alain asked quietly.

Josh shook his head, tucking the strand of hair behind his ear, for the wind kept blowing it into his face. "At the beginning, I used to quite often. The next time was at the end of middle school... when Erwin left..." he replied in a soft voice. "Since then, not even once."

Alain kept silent. Josh chased away the sudden realization that, had he moved a few centimetres, he could rest the head on his shoulder. He didn't need to; sensing Alain's body heat through the clothes was enough.

"Let's go, before the bells strike again," he said, turning back. "Remember: never come here without a watch," he added with a smile.

However, as they were walking downstairs, he thought he hoped Alain would never need to come here. Still, he didn't know - and it filled him with feeling of hopelessness - what he could do for that man, who appeared to believe his happiness was in the past.

* * *

_Sonata Arctica, "Draw Me"_


	15. Chapter 15

**15.**   
_**(what is the dream? we have the dream now)** _

* * *

May passed more or less in the same way: Josh spent most of his free time studying in the library, accompanied by Alain. Alain stopped whining about how he would like to do something else - especially that he rarely managed to think that "something else" up, and Josh was tough. If Alain had suggested some activities that were closer to Josh's real goals - after all, studying was the secondary business here - he would have agreed without hesitation. However, Alain remained immune to any subliminal messages and didn't show any warmer feelings toward Josh. Or, rather, warmer than those he was already showing.

In fact, Josh didn't complain. He was happy that Alain was and wanted to be there, with him. Erwin had once said that, when observed from the outside, they could be considered a couple. Josh knew it still wasn't true, but now there were definitely more reasons why someone narrow-minded could think like this. They spent together much more time than before. They met every day; if they weren't studying, they would go to _Shelly_ or visit the cemetery, or just walk the streets. It suited Josh well. Slowly, he was accepting the fact they would be "only" friends with Alain - although, of course, deep in his heart he still believed in his great love. His feelings for Alain hadn't weakened in the slightest - on the contrary, the better he got known Alain, the stronger his affection grew - he didn't give in to the frustration, though, only enjoyed what he had. If he had Alain's friendship, it was a very good thing.

Of course, it wasn't such a friendship like his and Erwin's. With Erwin, they chattered, laughed and fooled around - and they knew everything there was to be known about each other. With Alain, it was calmer, more serious, more lazy... and more careful. Their being together meant being silent together, whatever they did. In fact, they didn't have to talk to feel good in each other's company - at least, Josh saw it this way and suspected Alain did, too. Alain still wasn't talking much, surely not about the things concerning him, but he did laugh more. Josh had decided it was the best to leave those painful places of Alain alone and focus on safer matters: school, weather, future plans... It didn't mean they weren't talking about the past at all. Sometimes Josh would ask Alain to bring his photo album, and inquire again about Grace, Robert and other people who smiled at him from the pictures. Sometimes he would talk about himself and his own childhood. Sometimes Alain would get into his bad mood and question the overall sense of the world, and Josh would simply try to console him quietly, forcing back the feeling he couldn't really help him.

Either way, Josh appreciated it that Alain stayed with him of his own free will while he could have as well chosen someone else's company or solitude. It was much more than in the case of the previous objects of his feelings.

One day, in the end of May, they were talking about it with Erwin, in their favourite spot by the school wall. Josh had just, for the third time, announced he was satisfied with the state of affair, which angered Erwin completely.

"Josh, thanks to you, I have long since realized that love between two men has exactly the same rights as love between man and woman," he said upset, "That's why I can't listen to this crap any more. Why should you settle for what you have, if you want more?"

Josh averted his eyes and looked ahead. "Maybe because I'm almost sure I'll never have what I want? Now... it's fine," he replied, and he really believed it.

"Will it be fine if Alain leaves you for some girl, for example?"

Josh went pale. "Why are you saying things like this?" he whispered. He felt as if he had just been hit.

"Because you're showing a very naive point of view, that's why," Erwin answered. "You know there's no chance for you to go on like this. Unless you prefer thinking, 'It's good while it lasts.' It's not like you, Josh. Alain's going to graduate and change the place, while you're going to stay here, alone. Schoolmates are always left behind."

Josh clenched his fists and held back the remark, 'Like you did?' There was no point in getting angry with Erwin.

"Then, what should I do?" he asked irritated.

Erwin gave him a close look. "You should tell him."

Josh's heart leapt in his chest. He wished he could, but... "I can't... He would push me away..." he said, lowering his head. "And this... No, I can't."

"You said it so many times yourself, 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained'," Erwin pointed out.

Josh clenched his fists even tighter. Erwin _was_ right, but... "I have too much to lose," he whispered.

"Josh, I'm afraid the little idyll you're trying to believe so much in will end," Erwin said, and his voice rang with a cold realism. And compassion. "Rather sooner than later. I can't really see you accepting it that Alain will enter the adult life... along with everything it means... After he graduates, there's an entirely different world waiting for him. And different people, Josh."

Josh kept silent. It wasn't that he hadn't thought of it at all... Maybe Erwin was right? Maybe he really wanted to believe in what he had now and ignored the future completely? His mind flew back to the day he had decided he would get Alain no matter what. That time, he had been seeing only one eventuality, but now...

It was too complicated, definitely not something he could conclude in one sentence. Too many things constituted his feelings for Alain and his relationship with Alain. What he knew for sure was that he couldn't lose him now. Erwin had said it would be better if it ended now, not later... And from the rational viewpoint he was right. However, Josh wanted one more day he could enjoy Alain's being there, next to him. How could he deprive himself of that possibility? Never. He knew he was a coward, but he couldn't help it. If he was to suffer in the end anyway... he preferred it to happen later than sooner.

"Get him drunk," Erwin's voice broke his meditation.

Josh blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Get him drunk," Erwin repeated. "Alcohol removes inhibitions. People turn more open and do things they would never do while sober."

"You know, I'd rather not have Alain do something to me he would never do while sober..."

Erwin shook his head impatiently. "Think about it. You just convince yourself to one option: that Alain don't want you that way."

"Because he has never gave me to understand he does," Josh replied peevishly. Honestly, why Erwin couldn't see it? "Besides... he is a man who simply takes what he wants."

"Are you sure?" Erwin asked sharply.

Josh hesitated. In fact, what did he base his belief on? On Georges Saphir's story about how Alain had tried to bang him and seemed very determined to do it? Well, apparently not that much, for nothing had happened in the end... He mused. It had taken place when Alain had had some problems with himself, as well as all people around him. Josh was sure he hadn't been acting normally that time, not like now. And what Jade had mentioned about Alain? That he had always been rather shy, withdrawn - especially compared with Jade himself - when they had been still kids. If anything, he would take advantage of his being older, and it was all. He had never been flinging himself at what he wanted.

"What if he has nothing against you, Josh?" Erwin seemed to read his mind, "but he can't quite show it... 'cause you're intimidating him?"

Josh straightened up and looked at Erwin in disbelief. Intimidating? _He_ was intimidating Alain?

"But he's older!" he blurted out. "He must be treating me like a kid. You're talking nonsense, Erwin!"

"It's you who's talking nonsense, Josh," Erwin retorted. "Have you ever considered what kind of impression you make on others? You're smart, spirited, self-confident... Guys may talk what they want, but I'm pretty sure many of them wish they were more like you."

Josh let his hands fall and was observing Erwin, silent, his eyes round. "But Alain..."

Well, how many times Alain's been hesitant when with him? Shy? Sure, Josh had long since realized Alain didn't have a highest self-esteem in the world... But it would have never occurred to him that he, Joshua Or, could add to it. After all, Alain was older, more experienced, handsome, great at maths... While Josh was younger, scatterbrained and... short. It made no sense.

"Josh, I don't want to hear about stereotypes from you," Erwin warned him, "especially when you've always been fighting them. Age has nothing to do with it. You were smarter and more mature than others in a middle school already. I know it, I was there," he raised his voice when Josh was about to object. "I'm not saying it to compliment you. I just want to bring your attention to things you don't see yourself. Because you're only hurting yourself this way."

Josh closed his eyes and tried to overcome the dizziness. "Then, I ask you again: what should I do?"

"Let him now what you want from him, this way or another," Erwin explained patiently. "What it was that you said about him? That he lets you dominate? That he listen to your suggestions?"

"Yeah, but he easily backs down, too, when he doesn't like the situation. That's how he is."

Erwin nodded. "Then... if the conditions are favourable and he feels safe, then he can move on," he decided. "If he has nothing against the guys in general, you just have to make him feel comfortable. So that he wouldn't think about the differences between you... I know, I know," he added quickly, upon seeing Josh wanted to oppose again. "You've tried all the time to remove barriers between the two of you. But it doesn't mean they are not there, Josh. That's why I say you should get him drunk."

Josh was staring at Erwin, silent, trying to make up some counter-arguments. What Erwin was saying didn't sound stupid, but... He just couldn't. And he didn't feel like explaining it to Erwin.

"By the way, how come you're so knowledgeable about alcohol?" he inquired in order to change the subject.

Erwin blushed slightly. "Last weekend... Cecile brought a bottle of wine from the cellar..." he confessed, lowering his voice. "We thought it was quite mild, you know, home-made and all, but... It quickly went to our heads, and... Luckily, her parents came home earlier they planned to."

"I would call it anything but luck," Josh remarked.

"It was luck," Erwin said, blushing more. "You know I'm not going... until we're married..."

Josh waved his hand, although he had to admit that Erwin and his attitude were endearing. He sighed. "Anyway, forget it. No-one will sell me alcohol that I could get Alain drunk with."

"Why, you're sixteen already," Erwin pointed out.

"You think anyone will believe it?" Josh asked ironically.

"I can ask Cecile... I'm sure there's more..." his friend tried to help.

"Erwin. I really don't find it a good idea. Besides, I'm positive... I'd be the first one to get drunk."

"It wouldn't be a bad thing, either," Erwin muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing. But we're in the starting point again," Erwin noticed, frowning.

Josh suppressed another sigh. He really appreciated the fact Erwin was concerned about him so much... But it was his, Josh's, matter, and no-one else could solve it for him. He welcomed the bell with relief.

"I must fly," he said, getting up. "Erwin... Thanks... that you care. Really. Say hello to Cecile!"

On the way to his room, he mused over his fierce objections to Erwin's suggestion. What Erwin had told him made sense; actually, Erwin had been talking sense more than usually. And Josh was under the impression he was betraying his own policy he had been sticking to for so long. All the same, he didn't want to take that risk. Regardless of how close they had become, he still had no idea what was in Alain's head and how Alain would react if their relationship were about to enter a new stage.

The overall conclusion was such that it was safest to leave things as they were. He didn't feel good with it, but he had to swallow down his pride and accept the fact that the life sometimes revised the views and attitudes.

There was one more thing that had occurred to him as soon as Erwin had put up his proposal: Josh didn't know how Alain would behave while drunk. It wasn't that he didn't feel secure when with Alain, but... He couldn't resist the impression that he could see that part of Alain he didn't necessarily wanted to see in the situation supposedly... intimate. Although now it seemed hidden deep inside, Alain had some aggression in him. Josh had no wish to become its object, while he was afraid - maybe baselessly, maybe not - that alcohol could release it.

However, when in the evening he gave up to his physical yearning for Alain, the visions that kept reflecting under his eyelids were much more violent than usually.

* * *

Finally, June arrived. The fourth-years no longer had classes; only final exams were left. The second-years did the last tests and submitted the assignments. Both Josh and Alain started to feel the results of their intensive studying, positive and negative. Positive was, of course, the level of knowledge, which made Josh feel rather confident and not nervous at all. As for Alain, it was quite hard to say, but Josh suspected the studying didn't go down the drain in his case either. Negative result was the general fatigue, mostly mental - after all, for how long could one pore over the books and cram the material into their brains? If it had been not for his strong will, Josh would have given it a rest long ago...

He was happy that Alain had bought into the idea of studying. He also had stopped dismissing all Josh's comments on his future and started to incline toward the option he would see what he could do with the certificate he got. In Josh's understanding, it meant he would continue his education, this way or another. There were quite a few colleges in Idealo, offering various professional courses, or even undergraduate academic education - a 'bachelor's degree', or something like this. He really hoped Alain would get a place at one of them and continue like now. In the same town.

What was that Alain hoped himself was quite hard to say, but it remained a fact that he was studying more and more, the nearer the end of school year drew, and it was something Josh wouldn't have even imagined only two moths ago.

They were sitting in Josh's favourite spot under a lime. Josh was browsing through his history notes, while Alain was holding his English textbook. The afternoon was sunny and hot, but the lime was casting a pleasant shadow. Alain was yawning every now and then and finally, upon Josh's inquire, he admitted he'd been reading his literature notes until dawn, before today's exam. He didn't say how it'd gone, only shrugged and resumed reading. He had English exam on Friday and believed it needed more preparations than tomorrow's maths exam. Josh didn't ask about anything else; he was too shocked by the revelations he'd just hear. That Alain had been studying all night for an exam? If moon fell on his head, he wouldn't be more surprised.

The day was passing slowly, the sun was moving over the sky - just like the shadow spot over the grass. Josh had already covered most of the material, realizing he could remember quite a lot of that medieval. It bode well for the upcoming test.

Something weighed on his shoulder. Surprised, he broke away from history. Alain was leaning on him; the book had slid out of his hand. He was sleeping.

Josh's heart sped up and wouldn't calm down. He thought, how nonsensically, its pounding could wake Alain up.

They were guys, and thus - even though one was madly in love with the other, or maybe exactly for it - they kept physical contact to a minimum. The situations they had touched Josh could count on the fingers of one hand. Fleeting, casual gestures that had no deeper meaning, like now. But now, Josh thought, it could last for a little longer. He forced back the thrill he felt at the thought. Alain's body heat was radiating through the thin fabric; his chest was moving slowly. He couldn't possibly be comfortable in such a pose, he would surely wake up in a moment...

Josh looked around furtively. Here and there, other boys were studying just like they, and no-one was looking in their direction. They were too far to be recognized from the fourth-years' wing, either. A thought crossed his mind: that they wouldn't be stumbled upon by the student council president, for the situation could be interpreted quite unambiguously - especially in such a narrow mind the guy had. Several times, he had spotted them in the library, but they must have seemed deep in studying - and they'd been - so he couldn't pick on them. However, if he spotted them now... Fortunately, the president must have been busy elsewhere; after all, the final exams wasn't the right time to loiter. Josh breathed a sigh of relief.

Again, he looked at Alain's head resting on his shoulder and put the notes aside. His heart wouldn't slow down. He felt a sudden affection overcome him. When sleeping, Alain was so defenceless, so open... 'When you fall asleep in someone else's presence, it means you trust him, right?' Josh asked himself. He felt like touching the brown hair, scattered over his white shirt. He'd always wondered how would they feel to the touch... He could imagine their softness...

He restrained himself at the last moment. He didn't want to wake him.

Alain hadn't slept at all last night; he needed some sleep. Josh picked up his notes and buried himself in them again.

Alain woke up after a quarter, when the bell struck three. He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. Then he turned to Josh and looked at him, confused. "I fell asleep...?"

Josh nodded.

"You should've waked me..."

Now Josh shook his head. For a while, they were looking into each other's eyes. Alain seemed as if he hadn't really waked up yet; normally, he would have averted his eyes long ago. But Josh didn't mean to interrupt him, rapt in those green irises, although the mole between the eyelashes demanded attention, too. Suddenly, he realized how intimate that moment was. Something in Alain's gaze...

Unexpectedly to himself, it was him who had to look away. He couldn't bear that contact... He was absolutely certain that a little more and he would lose control, lean forward and... Alain's lips were definitely too close.

"Maybe you should go to bed?" he said although he hadn't intended, clutching his notes and wondering why his hands were trembling so much.

Alain blinked and turned away. "You should've waked me," he repeated, and there was some resentment in his voice Josh couldn't interpret. "I didn't want-"

"I'm going to have something to eat," Josh interrupted him. "I'm hungry."

Alain turned to him again, but was no longer looking him in the eye. Then he shook his head, as if wanting to sober himself. Josh got up and looked at the fourth-years' wing. He still didn't trust himself enough to turn to Alain.

"See you tomorrow!" he called and ran to his room.

He couldn't calm down. Something had gone wrong. And something had been definitely different than normally. Not because Alain had been so close... Well, because of it, too, but... How Alain had been looking at him. Well, he probably hadn't been awake yet; people used to fancy strange things when not awake yet. It didn't change the fact Alain had never before gave him such a look. Josh had nearly forgotten the outside world and kissed him... There, on the school grounds, under the tree... In broad daylight.

Because Alain had seemed to have nothing against it.

Josh flung himself down on the bed and covered his face with both arms. _Nothing good would follow. Nothing good would follow. Nothing..._ he was saying to himself, realizing that the spontaneity that once had been one of his basic traits, was nothing more than a memory now. Along the way, he had turned into a man guided by a reason.

He wasn't happy to discover it, not at all.

He sat up, brushing his hair aside. He took a deep breath. Resigned, he started to analyse that situation thoroughly. The next thing he became aware of threw him off-balance much more than the first one.

How had he exactly behaved toward Alain?

Alain had appeared hurt, confused and... guilty? Josh's eyes grew wider upon realizing how his behaviour must have seemed to Alain. He had got up, turned away and left, without as much as looking him in the eye. He hadn't explained a thing; well, he didn't know what he could have explained, but he should have said something, after all. Acting as he had, he had implied Alain had done something he shouldn't have.

Josh pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head upon them.

Could they possibly get more awkward around each other?

And he hadn't even wished Alain luck before yesterday's exam. It wouldn't do.

For a moment, he struggled with himself - with his anxiety, shame and cowardice - and then he got up and went to the telephone on the ground floor. His fingers shaking, he dialled a number, swallowing down his fear.

"Hello?" he heard the beloved voice.

"I'm sorry about my behaviour," he said outright. "Thanks... for today. I like to study with you. Good luck for tomorrow! We're seeing each other like always, aren't we?" he couldn't keep the begging tone away from his voice, and he didn't care in the slightest... He would do anything to hear the affirmative answer.

"Like always," Alain replied after a while. "Thanks."

"Then, see you tomorrow."

He put the receiver back and kept standing by the phone, trying to calm down. Tomorrow. Like always. He hoped tomorrow everything would be like always.

He headed for his room with a feeling that maybe his spontaneity wasn't lost for ever yet.

* * *

_Yōko Takahashi, "Shiawase wa tsumi no nioi"_


	16. Chapter 16

**16.**   
_**(sheltering in doorways of Venice, Vienna)** _

* * *

The fourth-years' final exams went on and then ended. In the meantime, Josh did his tests and submitted his assignments... and suddenly they no longer had to study. It was mid-June already; those who had been loafing around the whole year, had one more week to complete their credits, but the fourth-years were going to collect their certificates as soon as the next weekend - a week before the rest of students. The classes had ended, and everyone could feel a breath of summer holiday on their faces; even the uncertainty about the results couldn't spoil it. They had given it all they'd got, and now they could only hope for the best.

On Friday afternoon, Josh and Alain met in their usual spot under the lime, and neither of them had any book with him. Alain sat down, rested himself against the trunk and closed his eyes. Josh squatted down next to him.

"I wouldn't stand it any day longer," Alain spoke. "And you want me to study more," he added, very directly for him.

"Don't think about it," Josh suggested. "Think of your holiday."

"I've never been learning so much before," Alain apparently didn't want to drop the subject.

"Me neither," Josh replied. "I think we can congratulate ourselves."

Alain nodded, his eyes closed. Josh rested against the tree. For a while, they were just sitting in silence, like many times before. And that silence, filled with sounds of early summer, was exquisite.

Josh's mind flew back to that strange afternoon, the previous Monday. The more he thought about it, the less sure he was about what had exactly happened. That time, he had been pretty sure Alain had suddenly saw him in a different light he had used to... That he had saw what was in Josh's heart. Or that, at least, he had desired the same thing Josh did. But then, however, the next day everything had been like always, and all the days that had followed, too. Only that Josh had watched his step twice as much as he had before and hadn't brought up other topics that studying - which didn't matter as they hardly spoke - while Alain hadn't fallen asleep there any more.

Maybe it stood for something, or maybe it didn't.

It didn't change the fact they were still here - and their relationship remained the same. They spent time together, and they still looked for each other's company - or simply considered it the most natural thing in the world. At the thought it could end, Josh felt as if there was not enough air for him. The worst was that it _was_ going to end, and very soon.

They still had one week.

Maybe Erwin was right? Maybe he should _tell_ Alain? Maybe he should confess his feelings? And let Alain decide? Okay, something in his head kept telling him that leaving the decision to Alain wasn't the best option - in fact, it was probably the worst- but did he have any other choice? After all, everything amounted to whether Alain would want him.

Maybe he wanted him as a friend, a pal, or even... a brother - but anything more?

The longer Josh thought about Erwin's words, the more he realized they were true. There were about nine per ten chances that he would lose Alain after Alain graduated. No matter how optimistically he tried to look, he was absolutely sure that, after Alain got to the "big world", there would be no place for Josh in his life. What had he fancied, two months ago? That they would keep in touch? How naively on his part. Regardless of their intimacy, Josh had never, not for a moment, divested himself of the fear that had been in him since the beginning: that Alain would forget about him as soon as Josh disappeared from his sight. As long as they were here - at school, in the dorms - everything kept going since Alain had no other reality. But once he found himself someplace else, he would get to know new people, and he wouldn't bother his head about some high schooler...

Josh had to do something, otherwise he would be left with nothing more than a memory of Alain. He didn't have even a single photo...

Ah.

He brushed his hair aside and looked at the blue of the sky through the leaves of the lime. "I think I can be satisfied," he said casually. "I got pretty good marks of most subjects. At least those that ends this year. I only wish I did better in arts..."

It seemed to him Alain had moved restlessly, but he didn't react. Apparently, Alain remembered the portrait thing - and maybe he even felt guilty about his lack of co-operation? Josh shamelessly planned to take advantage of it. Even if he couldn't get Alain himself, he would do anything to have some memento of him.

The sinking feeling in his chest wouldn't leave, but he ignored it.

"Well, I didn't really have time for it, with all that studying..." he said, and the silence fell again.

'Say yes, say yes,' he begged in his thoughts, clutching the blades of grass. If he had that picture, at least... Then he would have a tangible proof that those two months had really happened and weren't just a figment of his imagination, like he sometimes believed.

"And now... it's too late already?" Alain finally spoke, his voice hesitant.

Josh's heartbeat sped up. "I think it will be okay if I submit it after weekend," he answered calmly, although he felt like screaming.

"Mhm," Alan mused again.

Josh suppressed his sigh and turned to him. "Maybe you could... do it, after all?" he asked. In _this_ matter, he really had nothing to lose.

Alain blinked - like he used to whenever Josh was observing him - and then turned his head. Josh looked away at once; they were sitting much too close for him to look Alain in the face... Although, he thought belatedly, did he really have anything to fear?

But he didn't want to risk even that 'one more week'. Or the portrait, for that matter - now, that there was a chance for getting it. He gulped.

"But... I don't have to... pose?" Alain asked quietly.

Now all Josh's resolve went adrift, and he was looking Alain in the eye before he realized it. But it didn't matter, for now it was Alain who averted his eyes.

Josh shook his head vigorously. "You don't have to! You may read something or stare at the sky. Or sit with your eyes closed," he rushed to assure him. "I'm sure it wouldn't be a bother!"

Alain nodded. Josh beamed and felt like hugging him. He thought Alain's cheeks turned slightly red. Oh, he really didn't like it... But he'd agreed!

"Why don't you like the idea?" he asked in a soft voice.

Alain shrugged. "It just... feels off," he replied, ill-at-ease.

"But you have so many pictures. You had no problems with them, did you?"

Alain looked askance at him before averting his eyes. "Don't know... It was long ago."

Well, if it explained anything... But Josh didn't care. Alain had agreed! He felt like dancing of joy. "Then... Would tomorrow be okay?" he asked.

Alain's lips twitched. "It's better to get it over with," he replied.

Josh grinned. "I'm so glad. Especially if you don't like such things," he said. "What about eleven? Or even ten? First we have to come there."

"Come? Can't we do it here?"

"You're going to pose me... err... help me with a portrait _here_?"

"Well, no... I thought then in the room..."

Josh shook his head firmly. "It wouldn't do; the light isn't good. We have to do it outside. I thought we could go into the open air..."

Alain gave him a thoughtful look, frowning. "Do you by chance..." he started and paused, and then he looked aside.

"What?"

But Alain was staring at his hands, apparently unwilling to finish his thought.

"Then, maybe we can have a cheesecake today?" Josh suggested shyly when the silence dragged on. "I will buy a sketchbook on the way. We haven't been in _Shelly_ for a while, have we? Surely not this month..." Suddenly, he was terrified at the thought it might be their last visit in the patisserie. He had to muster all his strength to control his voice as he went on, "We can celebrate the end of studying. How does that sound?"

Alain nodded, still looking away. Josh ran his fingers through his hair, trying to untie a knot his insides had tied. He took a deep breath.

Everything would be okay. He had to focus on the present.

It would be okay.

At least today. And tomorrow. And... the next week.

* * *

It was Friday afternoon again, and they were sitting in _Shelly_ , too. The waitress smiled at them; apparently, she had already remembered them. But today even the cheesecake didn't taste as good as it used to. Of course, Josh enjoyed another 'date' with Alain, and he was looking forward to their trip tomorrow - but he couldn't quite get rid of the tension that had been accompanying him since that talk with Erwin.

He was terrified to realize that, for the last few days, he had been actually preparing himself for parting with Alain. The very thought made him feel cold. Erwin was right: he had been wearing the rose-coloured glassed and believing everything to be all right. Upon talking with his friend, the scales had fallen from his eyes. It was clear that his relationship with Alain would end if he didn't do something. If there was a chance for the opposite, he should grab it. During the following week he should confess his feelings to Alain. If Alain were to disappear from his life, Josh wanted to be prepared for it. Wanted to be aware of it. That way, he would at least be left the illusion it was him who brought it about - not that he was once again left behind.

He had always considered himself an optimist, but now he started discovering there was more and more of a realist to him. He preferred to be prepared for the worst, in order to not be surprised and suffer. He didn't like to be surprised. He wanted to control his life.

It didn't change the fact that the very thought of parting with Alain made his chest clench in pain. In reality, such a rationalizing wasn't worth a damn, for he was going to suffer regardless. If he was preparing himself for the worst, he couldn't really enjoy what he had, for example tomorrow's meeting. Both outcomes were bad. It was not fair.

He knew that the only thing that could make him happy was Alain's returning his feeling. Erwin had suggested it to be possible, but Josh couldn't believe it. He feared that if he believed in something and then had his hopes betrayed... He wouldn't stand it.

In the end, all came down to choosing the lesser of two evils. He wondered whether he wasn't the most cursed man on earth.

"...Joshua?"

He stirred. Alain had apparently been talking to him. He focused on the fourth-year's concerned face. 'I love you so much,' he thought with despair.

"Yes?"

"Everything okay? You got lost in thought..."

Josh shook his head and tried to smile. "Look who's talking... It's you who stay in your world all the time," he said.

Alain blinked. "I've been... thinking a lot recently," he admitted. "For three years, I thought of different things I should have, so maybe I'm trying to... make up for it now?" he added, and his lips twitched. "Can we... go back already?"

Josh glanced at his watch. It was almost five; they had overstayed indeed. Besides... it'd got quite dark. When they emerged from the patisserie, he felt it had got colder, too. The dark clouds were rolling on the sky, obscuring the sun. It looked a storm was coming... Yes, he could hear a clap of thunder in the distance. And the wind was growing stronger. They rushed for the campus.

They didn't even make it outside the city centre when it started raining. The storm reached the town. The thunders were more frequent, striking closer. Josh tucked the sketchbook under his shirt, but it was clear they wouldn't make it to the dorms before the downpour. They took cover in some doorway in order to wait until the storm stopped. Soon, the streets were flooded. All people vanished, hidden either in their homes or the temporary shelters, like them.

Temperature dropped so much Josh was trembling in his thin and wet shirt. Behind him, he could feel the heat Alain's body was radiating. Suddenly, he realized Alain was standing very close - so close they almost touched. He suppressed a moan and bit his lips. There was nothing he wanted more than cuddle up to Alain and feel his arms embracing him. Alain's warmth would drive away the feeling of cold - not only the physical, but above all the one filling Josh inside and making everything seem pointless.

He should tell Alain...

He had to tell him.

Why not now? Here, in that dim passage, with the spouts of water around them... he had the feeling of intimacy he would never had in the dorms. Here, it seemed that the whole world had vanished, and only two of them were there. Here, he had enough courage to say those words he couldn't afford to say before, when the sun had been shining and everything had been warm and soft.

He turned to Alain and opened his mouth... but a single look at the fourth-year's face thwarted his plans. He felt even colder because he'd never seen Alain like this before. Alain was white as a ghost, his eyes were wide open, and he was breathing fast. His fingers were clutching at the fabric of his shirt so tight Josh could see the pale knuckles. He was shivering all over his body. It seemed he was oblivious to Josh's presence, too.

Another lighting struck very close, filling Josh's ears with a rumble. Alain's pupils dilated and then constricted again. It was obvious he was feeling very bad.

"Alain...?" Josh whispered, but he might as well talk to a brick wall.

At least, Alain blinked, which could mean he heard him. Hesitantly, Josh reached out and put one hand on his shoulder. Alain twitched under his touch, but that was the only reaction he gave. Josh felt despair filling him. What could he do? How could he help him?

"Everything will be okay," he said, but his words were drowned out by another thunder.

Alain squatted down, cringing and covering his face with both hands. He didn't stop shivering. Josh crouched next to him and wrapped one arm around his shoulders. He forgot completely he'd wanted Alain to do it with him only a while ago. It didn't matter.

"Everything will be okay," he whispered again.

The lightings were striking around them as they were sitting there, hunched behind the curtain of rain. The older, terrified, in arms of the younger who tried to encompass him with his sense of security. Water was dripping from their hair and clothes, creating small puddles around them. The scent of wet stone was mixing with the mildew smell. A quiet squeaking of kittens came from the basement window. Maybe it was the first thunderstorm of their lives? The first thunderstorm of that summer...

Josh moved even closer to Alain, cursing his height and his short arms because he couldn't quite reach with them as far as he wished. He wished he could close around Alain, separate him completely from the threat that - even if objectively didn't exist - was so real to him. He brushed aside the thought how shaken he was himself. He hadn't expected something like this... In his head, it was Alain who was older and stronger, and firmer... 'Alain' meant a rock, and Josh always remembered, trusted and believed it... It was how he'd seen Alain - and now he understood it was only his imagination, an ideal that... had nothing to do with reality? He swallowed down the feeling of disappointment - not with Alain, but with himself. But maybe... there was nothing wrong in such a wish to be next to someone who could take care of him? After all, he had always wanted someone to cradle him in their big hands.

Apparently, even men with big hands weren't heroes one could put the future of world on their shoulders. Or his own future. Even they needed be taken care of and... It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad at all.

Josh didn't know how long they spent there - long enough for his arm to get numb, but he didn't care. Deep inside him a flame flared up, slowly displacing the earlier coldness. Soon, he was able to smile. After the first shock was gone, when he felt he could handle the situation... he started to delight in it, even if it was so hard for Alain. Never before... had he expected it to be such a wonderful thing: to hold Alain in his arms like this. He had always imagined it to be all about lust and passion, a wild desire to give himself to the other man and lose himself in the blaze of physical pleasure... Feeling that welled up inside him now were nothing like that. He was filled with affection and a need to protect, with care and compassion. He had forgotten all his earlier anxiety. It was no place for it here.

Someone had once said that, after ideals fell down, one could build a real life in their rubble. Josh felt as if he had just grown up quite a bit.

Eventually, the storm ended. The rain stopped, and the sounds of world returned. A moment later a joyful twitter of birds was to be heard in the fresh air. The church bell struck half past six. They had spent here half an hour, and it seemed both an instant and an eternity - and, above all, something one would experience once in a life time.

He wouldn't give it away for anything.

Josh realized Alain had stopped shivering. He didn't release his embrace, though. When sunlight was reflected in the windows of the house across the street, Alain raised his head, and only then Josh took his arm back. For a while, Alain was only blinking, and then looked at him. Josh was under the impression Alain was seeing him for the first time in his life. He didn't avert his eyes.

"Is it okay now?" he asked quietly, and was amazed at how coarse his voice was.

Alain blinked again and then got up. "I... don't like... thunderstorms," he replied with difficulty, his voice barely audible.

'Well, _don't like_ is a little understatement,' Josh thought, but he was too shaken to comment it. He too got up, trying not to sway on his numb legs. Wet clothing was sticking his body all over.

"I'm sure you did your best," he said.

Alain brushed his hair back. It was clear he had yet to pull himself together. Josh waited patiently, trying to calm the beating of his heart. In the meantime, he used his fingers to comb his hair, tangly after the downpour. He was sure he didn't look very appealing, but he didn't feel he had to. His hands could still feel the trembling of Alain's muscles. It was what mattered, not some fancy about physical pleasures.

Finally, Alain nodded, and they went on the street. The sunlight was flickering in the puddles that started to evaporate already. It was warm again, and the town was filling with people, pleased to breathe in the refreshed air. Spring was turning into summer, and afternoon was turning into evening - such moments were short and always worth living. The last colours of a rainbow stretched over the city were quickly fading, too.

They were slowly walking toward the campus - in silence, like many times before. Now, however, Josh felt something had changed between them - or was it only his imagination? He couldn't remember his feelings from one hour ago - those he had been parting with Alain with. For some reason, he didn't need to remember them. The feeling that filled him now was a desire to hold Alain in his arms again.

It was always more beautiful after a storm.

When they reached the gate of the campus, Alain stopped. Josh turned to him, coming to a halt as well. Alain ran his hands through his damp hair again. For a moment, he seemed to pluck up his courage to look Josh in the eye - and finally he managed to. Josh was waiting.

"Thank you," Alain said quietly, blinking.

Josh nodded slightly, smiling. "You're welcome," he replied.

Alain tried to smile back, but he was too overwhelmed. Josh smiled wider and resumed walking.

That time, he was sure his smile was enough for both of them.

* * *

_Marillion, "The Invisible Man"_


	17. Chapter 17

**17.**   
_**(Freude, schöner Götterfunken)** _

* * *

The next day was as sunny as all previous ones, and there was no trace of the rain; the puddles had dried up at night. The air was fresh, but there was no doubt that it would get hot soon. Although astronomical summer had yet to start, the weather had been in its finest for one month already. The leaves on the trees had long ago lost their spring brightness, and now their greenness was golden after so many sunny days. The limes growing along the main alley of the campus were covered in flowers, their sweet smell filling the air as Josh and Alain were walking towards the gate. Josh had given his art kit to Alain to hold it, as older and stronger, and himself was carrying a sketchbook. Fortunately, he'd managed to borrow it in the dorms, for his own one was no longer usable after the downpour.

Whenever he reminisced the previous day, he had difficulties with grasping what had really happened. It was as if the tension between him and Alain - or, at least, _his_ tension - had reached its peak, and the storm had released it. He had been so absorbed in what he should do and what he shouldn't do, which way to choose and which one double back... He had been so focused at letting go of what was the most important to him... that, in the meantime, he had lost himself. He had lost his balance.

Now, he felt he had regained that joyfulness he once had been marked by, that optimism that everything was going to be okay. Maybe he was developing tunnel vision again, but it was something he didn't really want to think about. Here and now, today, he was able to believe he would find his happiness. The very idea of parting with Alain seemed totally nonsensical.

Especially that today Alain was more present than ever before. When they left the campus, turned a different way than normally and were walking side by side towards the southern districts, Josh was entirely aware of the tall figure next to him, as if Alain were sending him some signal, an information he was right there. Josh hoped he would last the day in full possession of his senses, both physical and mental... because he was already under the impression that his desire was going to tear him apart. He would have to control himself more than usually, in order to not let Alain realize.

Although... a little voice in his head, silent but persistent, kept telling him that, quite the contrary, he should let Alain realize it in the first place.

 _What must be, must be,_ he decided, adjusting the sketchbook under his arm.

The longer they walked, the less dense the buildings got - detached and duplex houses surrounded with yards, where the flowers were growing. There were many orchards, too, with apple, pear and plum trees, and currant bushes below. Here and there, the hammock would be hung, and children would play hide and seek in the elders. The atmosphere was idyllic, and Josh thought that joy the whole nature was radiating corresponded well with his own. It was so hard to refrain himself from dancing on the road, laughing out loud or expressing his enthusiasm any other way. It seemed to him that today he could ask for anything and have all his dreams come true.

He glanced at Alain, and maybe it was only his imagination, but the fourth-year appeared much more relaxed than usually. He was walking with his back straight and a spring in his step - as if the weight on his shoulder had lessened. Josh had been afraid that Alain would feel uncomfortable after having showed such a weakness to him - which would be natural and understandable - yet it seemed that the incident had brought them together, not divided. Josh was filled with affection whenever he came back to the situation he had both witnessed and experienced yesterday. He had the chance to see that part of Alain he couldn't see normally, and it made him feel as if he had got to know him a little better, again.

Yesterday, in the dim passage, Alain had been miserable and lost, but today - in the bright day - he was once more dashing, at least in Josh's eyes. The sunlight was flickering on his brown hair and in his green eyes. His complexion had always been fair, at least fairer than Josh's, but after such a sunny spring his skin had got a light tan, which suited him, offset by the whiteness of his shirt. He had it undone at the neck, with sleeves rolled up. Josh hadn't realized it until now that Alain had always been wearing a 'neat' clothing when meeting with him. It could result from the fact that Josh liked to put a shirt on without any special occasion, and Alain had simply, unconsciously, adopted it? Josh had nothing against the casual clothes, but he liked the elegant school dress code, and he liked it even more on Alain.

Though, if he were to be honest, he would like it best to see Alain without any clothes.

He gulped and focused on the road. It was better to save such thoughts for later, he decided.

Since they had left the campus, they didn't say a word, yet the ambience was very natural. Josh thought he could, for the first time, fully understand why Alain liked silence and felt good with it. It seemed he had really grown up.

Soon, they reached the outskirts of Idealo, where the landscape was pretty rural. Here and there, the smallholdings were to be seen, and the terrain was undulating, covered with golden grass and wildflowers. The scarce trees were tempting with their shade, and it was one of them, growing on top of a small hill, that they headed for, leaving the sand road. The soft ground gave in under their feet; poppies and cornflowers swung, touched by their knees. Butterflies and bees added to that ideal picture of nature.

One could say it was a waste to use this place for sketching a portrait, but Josh knew better. For him, that magnificent view could serve only as a background to Alain, and he didn't plan to even bother his head about it.

It was high time to get to work - the one he actually could.

He spared a moment to assess the position of the sun, knitting his brows and trying to figure out the best spot for working. Finally, he seated Alain in the high grass and himself in the shadow, having a trunk behind his back.

"Hey, why I'm to sit in the sun while you're staying in the shade?" Alain called, apparently not very satisfied with such a distribution.

Josh raised his eyes from the sketchbook to look at him. "You can't sit in the shade. I won't be able to see anything," he replied, not without reason. "Besides... This way you won't be able to see me, so you will feel more comfortable," he added smoothly, but Alain couldn't be fooled.

"I think you're trying to cheat me..."

Josh waved his hand, looking at the paper again, and then he frowned. "No, it's too dark here," he decided, not very pleased, and rose.

He went out into the sun. For a moment, he was looking around, hesitantly, and then plumped down in the high grass about five meters from Alain. It started getting hot. He undid one more button of the shirt, forcing away the thought he'd gladly take it off... Elegance was one thing, but maybe he should have thought practically and dressed appropriately for the weather, after all. He rolled his sleeves even more up and grabbed the sketchbook again.

"What am I going to do?" Alain's voice broke in his concentration again, and Josh looked at him, squinting.

"Don't know. Anything you like. Sunbathe. Make a wreath," he said mechanically in a 'don't-bother-me' tone.

"Wreath?"

"Oxeye daisies would be fine," Josh suggested, distracted, wondering whether he should use the bigger or the smaller sheet. "Those white ones."

"Thanks. I was about to ask."

Josh nodded, thoughtful, and decided on the smaller sheet. He didn't feel confident enough to make a big sketch. Besides, the smaller picture was easier and faster to correct.

"Hey, where are you going?" he called, his head snapping up, when a move out of the corner of his eye told him that Alain had got up.

"To pick the flowers."

Josh blinked. Alain possibly couldn't have taken it seriously...? But it seemed Alain _had_ taken it very seriously, for - after a while of walking here and there - he came back to his place with an armful of white flowers with long stems. Josh kept staring at him, silent, and wondering whether Alain Corail would ever stop surprising him. On his part, Alain bowed his head and set about doing what Josh had suggested to him.

Josh observed him for a while, then shook his head and grabbed a pencil. Concentration was a key. If he had once managed to focus on studying of mathematical analysis when having Alain as a tutor, then drawing should be a piece of cake for him.

He planned to make a sketch first and then fill it with charcoal. He wasn't good enough with colours, and thus he didn't decide on pastels, but charcoal should be fine. But he had to succeed with a sketch first...

Alain was sitting with his head bowed and his face mostly shadowed. Josh moved slightly to the side to capture his left semi-profile. Hmm... Yes, this was it. From this angle Alain looked best... And that left ear... Josh swallowed and put the pencil to the paper. It took him a while to overcome the trembling so he could draw.

Quite soon he learned that the concentration was a very relative concept and could depend on the situation as well.

If Alain was growing impatient with the slow pace Josh's work was advancing at, he didn't show it. The work was advancing at the slow pace not only because of Josh's uncertainty as for his artistic talents, but also because most of the time he was observing Alain. After all, he rarely had such an opportunity. He knew Alain didn't like it when someone was looking at him for a longer while, so he tried to avoid doing it. The only situation when staring at was justified, was during a talk - but in their case it, too, wasn't that easy. Josh considered himself a good listener, which included looking at the person speaking. And here was a problem: out of them two he was the one usually talking, while Alain was listening. Thus, even that eventuality was out of question; even Josh, for all his persistence, wouldn't be able to incessantly look at his interlocutor when speaking himself. As for others... Well, they didn't met to gape at one another.

Now it was a different story, though, and Josh found out he couldn't take his eyes off Alain. Sure, when you were in love with someone, it was probably the most natural thing... He was drinking in every detail, even though he knew them all. Elongated face, especially from this angle... Slender, which the shadows accentuated. Ash brown hair, falling softly on the forehead and exposing that extremely sexy left ear... Josh could spot the clavicles, too, and kept gulping at the thought what he'd like to do with them...

Alain raised his head and gave him a look, so Josh focused on the sketch right away, pretending he was very involved in his work and hoping his blush wasn't visible from afar. If someone had told him that he would be dying of desire when sitting on the flowery meadow, in the bright sunlight at noon, he would have never believed. He'd always thought he needed more intimate conditions: shade of the evening, light of the sunset, some cosy place... Oh, how mistaken he had been.

The sketch was slowly coming into being. Every now and then, Josh was correcting some lines, but in general he was pretty satisfied with his work. It could be his only imagination, but it seemed to him that the face on the paper did resemble Alain. He had managed to mark all chiaroscuros and could start filling it with charcoal.

He wiped his face with the back of his hand, brushing his hair aside, for they were sticking to his forehead. Ugh, he should have brought his hairpins along... Squinting, he looked at the sky; its azure was stretching all the way to the horizon, and there was not even a single cloud...

It was high time to have a break. The bottle of water was half-empty already, and he was a bit hungry, too. For all their lunch they had two rolls, two apples and a handful of biscuits Josh had grabbed from the canteen. He didn't plant to spend the whole day here, so there was no need to take a lot of food along.

He went back to the tree, took one roll and called Alain to eat something, too. Alain raised his head and looked at him, and then he rose and came closer. The wreath in his hand seemed finished.

"Very nice," Josh praised, pointing at the garland.

Alain regarded his work... and then, without notice, put it on Josh's head and sat down. Josh was dumbfounded, and only after a moment he remembered to swallow down his food. And then he wondered whether his blush could be mistaken for resulting from the heat.

"T-thanks," he uttered, adjusting the garland since it was slipping off. "Now you have to make for yourself, too," he added with a sudden inspiration. "Those blue flowers would suit you. Chicories," he said, dazed.

"How is it going? Your drawing," Alain asked after he'd drunk some water.

"Pretty well. I think the sketch is ready. You may have a look," Josh passed him the sheet.

Alain stared at the picture for a moment and then returned it with a very suggesting look. Josh felt troubled.

"Something's... not right?" he asked, thinking fervently what it was that Alain didn't like.

Alain, however, only shrugged and shook his head rather vaguely.

"You know, it's only a sketch. The picture itself is going to be a bit different," Josh tried to apologize though he didn't know what for.

But he really wouldn't have nothing against it that Alain gave his assent to the fruits of his labour.

On the other hand... Josh didn't consider himself very apt at arts, so maybe he shouldn't really count on any praises. And, besides, he was drawing this picture for himself, so that he could always look at Alain whenever he longed for him...

But he didn't want to think about it now.

He ate his roll, drank more water and set about looking through the charcoal sticks. It was probably best to start from the thin ones and gradually move to the thick...

"I know it's hot, but could you sit there for a little longer?" he asked. "I have marked the chiaroscuro, but I'd prefer to see you anyway..."

Alain cast him another suggestive look that Josh couldn't quite interpret, rose and... started to pick the blue flowers.

"These ones?" he called to Josh, showing him the chicories.

"Yeah," Josh replied faintly, wondering whether he would survive the view of Alain wearing a blue wreath.

He returned to his place on the crumpled grass with a fleeting thought that his will could be broken only by a sunstroke. But, he quickly corrected himself, Alain didn't have it any better, yet he wasn't complaining. In fact, Alain never complained... He lifted his head and looked at the fourth-year, who sat down and set about making another garland.

"By the way... who taught you how to do it?" he asked, trying the thin charcoal on a different sheet.

"Grace... She used to make them for every of us."

"Mhm."

"So we used to have a race who would be the first to make one for her."

"And? Of course she put on the winner's one?"

"No..."

Josh raised his head. "No?"

"She put on all four," Alain replied with a smile that filled Josh with warmth.

Josh nodded, looking at the sketch again and cautiously trying the charcoal stick. He could imagine it... It seemed like Grace.

"Later, Laurent and Louis gave up, but... Robert and I... we always fought until the end," Alain went on, and Josh moved his hand away from the paper.

"Were you in love with Grace?" he asked as it seemed the most natural thing under the sun.

Alain didn't raise his head, but, judging from the move of his shoulders, he stopped plaiting.

"I... think so," he answered after a while, and the world didn't end.

Josh put the charcoal against the sheet again and slowly started retracing the pencil lines. So, he could ask something like this, and Alain could answer him. It made him wonder. Maybe it was thanks to the distance...? Maybe they needed the space between them to be so open with one another? But it didn't change that fact that two months ago it would be unthinkable. Maybe Alain had learned to trust him... And what about him? Did he trust Alain?

Probably not, he answered himself after a while. Not enough to put his future in Alain's hands. Or, inversely: he suppose there was no future if he were to be honest with Alain...

He shook his head. He had been ruminating over it for almost two weeks already, and he hadn't reached any conclusions. All solutions his mind had been offering to him were bad... Maybe he really should be guided by his heart?

"And now?" he asked. "Do you still love her?"

Now Alain lifted his head and stared at him for a while. "Now I can visit her grave aware she isn't going to come back," he replied finally.

Josh nodded. For some reason, that answer satisfied him.

"Remember when we were talking about happiness?" he inquired, changing the charcoal stick. "Do you... believe you will find it some day?"

Alain knitted his brows and bowed his head. In the end, he shook his head in a way indicating he still didn't know. Josh felt uncomfortable. He was asking such questions, and what kind of answers did he have for himself? He wasn't frank. And it would quickly come to light, for Alain asked, "And... you?" and there was that peculiar hesitation in his voice.

"I... I can't complain," Josh said, filling the sketch. "I told you: I'm learning in a good school, I have friends, no problems with health..." but as he was saying it, he felt as if he was reciting a pat answer. "But... I wish I had someone close... only for myself," he added in a softer voice. "You know, for most of time I had to manage by myself... It's not a bad thing, but... With time, people start to take it for granted that you manage alone, regardless the situation. And it's not like this..."

He lifted his head and looked at Alain. Now... now he could tell him...

"Alain, I value your... friendship," he said. "It means a lot to me... That you associate with such a... kid."

Alain frowned again, looking at him. It was one of those rare moments they looked each other in the eys. The distance really worked wonders.

"Come on. I never... thought his way," he said.

"It's... Right, you never showed it," Josh admitted.

"I think you're... worrying too much," Alain added, blinking.

"You're probably right... Anyway, I'm very glad I got to know you before you... graduated."

Alain was staring at him in silence, and it seemed to Josh he had realized something. And Josh suddenly was unable to speak as his throat clenched when the thought of inevitable struck him again. Only a moment ago, he'd thought he could drive it away.

"Alain, I..." he uttered... and it was all.

He couldn't say it, after all. Apparently, he had to accept it that his feeling were to remain only his and he would never be able to express them with words. Pathetic... It didn't change the fact the last two months had been the most wonderful time of his life.

When he could see clearly again, he focused on the picture. He had to finish it to have some memento. Even if every time he was going to look at it, he would feel a lump in his throat. Like now. He took the thicker charcoal and, once he was sure his hand wouldn't tremble, he started to apply shadows on the sketch, that was partially filled with black already.

He focused on drawing because he knew it was a way to force back the thoughts. The picture itself demanded concentration, otherwise it wouldn't go off well... He had the sponges, but he knew that every drawn line left a trace he could never wipe off completely.

He couldn't share his feelings with his beloved person, and it spoke for itself. Why it had to be so hard? The impression he was all alone wouldn't leave. The realization he had brought it on himself was much worse.

The pain was insufferable.

The picture was finished before he realized it. Now that he was looking at it, blinking, it seemed to him he was seeing it for the first time, as if it had just appeared before him, a dream becoming a reality. He wiped his face with a sleeve and looked at Alain, trying to smile and failing miserably.

"I'm done," he said quietly in a supposedly cheerful voice. "Come to look."

Alain rose from the high grass and went up, standing over him. "I like it," he said after a while. "You draw well."

Josh nodded, although he didn't share the opinion of his talent. "Thanks. Let's hope the professor will say the same."

"I didn't pose you for half a day in the sun and heat so that he could flunk you," Alain decided, very directly for him.

Now Josh did smile. "It was only one hour... Well, maybe one hour and a half," he added, looking at his watch. "Thanks. I'm glad you... agreed," he said in a soft voice, looking up at him.

Alain was standing next to him. He regarded the wreath, twirling it in his hand. Then he looked at Josh again and, with a twinkle in his eyes, put it on his head.

Josh couldn't hold back a quiet laugh. "It looks good on you," he said.

He got up and, his hand trembling slightly, adjusted the garland on Alain's hair. Alain blinked and lowered his eyes, and Josh took his hand back. The more he realized Alain would never be his, the more he desired him, every moment more. Oh, how much he wanted to cuddle up to Alain's tall figure and rest his head on his chest. And never leave.

'There's no more water," he said in an emotionless voice, turning back. "But I think there's a stream," he noticed, pointing at the other side of the hill, "so we can take in from there."

Alain nodded. Josh carefully placed the picture in the sketchbook, covering it with blotting paper so that it wouldn't get smeared, and collected his accessories. He took the items under the tree and looked around. A little behind the hill, there was a cluster of the willows, indicating the river. Its silvery thread was glistening here and there in the grass. Alain took both bottles, and they went down towards the water. The light flickered merrily on the river surface, refracted in the places the stream was swifter. The transparent water showed the sandy bottom. The river made a small bay there, and the willow branches were reflected in it.

Alain took the water in and passed him the bottle. Josh was drinking, surprised by the fact he could swallow down through his clenched throat. When he satisfied his thirst, he squatted down and stared at the clean water. It was dancing playfully in its little bed. Its move calmed him down. He took some deep breaths - the pain in his chest eased off - and regarded his water reflection. Pale oval of face, surrounded by dark hair. White flowers were distinct against it. He wondered if he could see the colour of his eyes if he bent more...

The wreath slipped off his hair and in the next second it was already out of his reach, pulled by the current. Josh jumped up and ran along the river. He couldn't lose it! It was a wreath Alain made for him...! It would probably catch on those rocks; he would be able to seize it. But no, it evaded the stones and moved on. Josh ran faster, looking for a spot he could enter the stream. There! Another group of rocks stuck out of the water; standing on them, he could easily reach...

He leaped onto the mossy rock...

The next he knew was that he was lying in the stream, trying to regain the control over the situation. Any control... And comprehend what had just happened.

"Joshua...!" Alain's voice was coming from afar.

The world came into being again, bringing along the whole spectrum of sensations, and very unpleasant ones. Josh moaned. His right ankle was throbbing with pain that made tears spring into his eyes. His right shoulder was aching, too, but this feeling was more dull, and it took him a while to perceive it. He sat up, dazed. Alain was by his side already, helping him up. Josh moaned again, and Alain froze - but was holding him firmly. Josh rested on him with his left side and was standing like this, panting, eyes closed. Finally, he looked in the direction where the wreath, far beyond his grasp, was floating on the water until it disappeared.

"Where did you hurt yourself?" Alain asked in a soft voice.

"My ankle... Think I sprained it," Josh answered as quietly. "It hurts. And my shoulder."

"Do you manage to get on the bank?"

Josh nodded, although he wasn't really sure. But he had to; he couldn't stay in the stream, even if it felt the best option: not to move, and have Alain by his side. But Alain got out of the river - and Josh tried to keep his balance on one leg - and reached to him. Josh made it out of the stream and sat down on the grass, although he was still under the impression he would faint from pain. He had to be a man, though. He realized tears were flowing down his cheeks only when Alain wiped them with a swift motion. Like to a child.

He blinked. He thought he could still feel Alain's touch on his face - or was it only a memory of something that had never happened?

"I'll take you to the hospital," Alain said.

For a moment, Josh was trying to understand those words, and then he gave Alain a questioning look. He couldn't see clearly; everything got blurred.

"How...?" he whispered.

"I'll carry you on my back."

Josh blinked, and then he bit his lips. He wouldn't cry. He definitely wouldn't cry. The offer sounded fantastic. And only after a while he realized he couldn't accept it. He stared at the surface of the stream. The dizziness was slowly receding, but he couldn't resist the impression he was falling down.

For the first time in his life, he wished he were a girl.

If Alain were to give him a piggyback, it would become obvious to him how his closeness affected Josh. As far as Josh was aware, it wasn't that prominent in girls.

He thought he must have really loved him if - even in such a situation, fighting the pain and loss of consciousness - he could think only about how he didn't want anything more than...

He wiped his eyes with the sleeve, which didn't help much since he was soaked anyway. He shook his head. "I'm too heavy," he said quietly.

Alain cast him a look that clearly indicated he was of another opinion. Right, compared to him, Josh seemed a shrimp. "It sounds like you consider me weak," he decided with a twinkle.

Josh felt the corners of his mouth twitched. "Think how it would look. What would people say?"

"Do you think I care about what people say?"

Josh smiled wider. "My arm is hurting too much. I won't be able to hold on to you," he said. "I'm sorry..."

"Why?"

Josh shook his head slightly. "You wanted to help me..."

Alain was regarding him for a while, silent, and then he took out his cell phone. Josh tried to gather his thoughts. It seemed to him he would space any moment. The scenery in front of his eyes appeared veiled in mist. He thought he could hear Alain calling the ambulance...

When he came to, he was resting on Alain. Everything seemed a dream he didn't want to wake up from. When he wasn't moving, he almost didn't feel pain at all; he felt Alain's warmth. His clothing dried up a bit, too. Even the feeling of regret he couldn't let Alain help him in the way they both wanted, receded. In fact, he was experiencing a faint and inappropriate joy that Alain had offered something like this. A little reason to be happy in all that misfortune.

"I'm so clumsy," he whispered.

"You're not clumsy..." Alain replied in a low voice. "Only hot-headed."

Josh smiled lightly, his eyes closed. "It was a wreath from you..."

"Mine got lost, too."

Josh took a deep breath. The pain in his shoulder awoke again. "Alain, I-"

"I hear them coming. Wait here, I'll make them know we're here."

Alain got up, and Josh's support vanished. He bent forward. Soon, a car drew up and stopped nearby. The doctor only looked at him and decided they were going to the hospital - after Josh got the painkiller injection. As the nurses were helping him inside the ambulance, Josh turned to Alain. "The portrait... Take it."

Alain nodded. His face got blurred before Josh's eyes. When the doors of the car shut behind him, he felt he was drifting off to darkness.

The pain in his heart was more nagging.

Apparently, he was doomed to feel it.

* * *

When he waked up in the hospital room when, it was getting dark outside. The net curtain was moving in the open window; other beds were empty. The pain had receded almost completely. The nurse was the only person in the room. Upon seeing Josh was awake, she called the doctor, who came soon.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Much better," Josh replied truthfully. He felt better at least physically.

The doctor nodded. "Your head is not spinning? Do you have any problems with vision? Did you hurt anything else than leg and shoulder? No? Good."

The doctor ordered him to sit up and examined the motility of his arms. Josh could use the right one to a very limited extent, but the doctor was satisfied he could move his fingers without problems.

"It's only a slight contusion," he said. "It will heal in a few days. As for the leg..."

He uncovered the injured limb. The ankle was braced and bandaged, and the foot was swollen. Prompted by the doctor, Josh moved his toes, which caused pain in the joint.

"No fracture, and the sprain is mild," the man explained. "You have to spare it for a week, so you had better stay in bed. The brace would help the injury heal faster, so don't remove it," he cautioned. "Icing the ankle would reduce the swelling. Use the painkillers three times per day. If the pain is strong, use more. They would reduce inflammation, too."

"I was told that when I had a cold, too," Josh said quietly.

The doctor nodded, apparently satisfied with Josh's knowledge. "If you take care of yourself, you'll quickly recover," he assured. "We will check you on Friday. It's possible you'll be able to walk then. We informed the patron that you may go home. He's going to fetch you soon. Do you have any questions?"

Josh licked his dry lips. "My... friend. Did he come here?" he asked. He felt bad at the thought Alain could have gone home.

"He left for a moment," the nurse informed. "I think he's coming back already," she added, looking out to the corridor.

And Alain appeared in the door indeed. The first Josh noticed about him was a blue spot on his temple: a chicory petal stuck to his hair. Josh felt affection filling him.

The doctor said his goodbye and left, taking the nurse along.

Alain approached the bed. Josh smiled shyly. "It's been only two months, and you see me bedridden for the second time already," he said, trying to sound ironic.

"Don't worry about it," Alain replied, sitting down on the chair.

"I've always been on the move. Grandfather had a real pig of me," Josh explained, feeling his mood was improving already.

"Well, it's... healthy," Alain decided.

"It seems it's not that healthy at all," Josh replied sourly, and then both of them laughed.

Alain lowered his head and then looked at Josh from behind his fringe.

"Are you all right?"

Josh nodded. "The doctor said it's nothing serious. I'll be able to walk in a week."

It seemed to him Alain breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good. I feared that..." He paused.

"Yes?" Josh asked gently.

Apparently, Alain was about to say something... something that Josh wanted to hear.

"Once... I have endangered someone," Alain confessed quietly, looking away. "I don't want... I wouldn't stand..."

Josh felt the warmth spread all over his body. "I'm all right," he said. "Really, I'm all right. And that... it wasn't your fault. It's because I'm clumsy. And, like you said, hot-headed." He smiled.

For a moment, Alain only stared at him, troubled, and then a shy smile smoothed his face.

"Thanks," Josh added. "That you were there with me... At some point, I thought everything vanished and I wouldn't make it."

Alain nodded.

"As for the wreath... I really liked it," Josh claimed and grinned. "You can make me another one day."

"I think I have enough of wreaths for some time," Alain replied, cheering up.

Josh burst out laughing - and hissed due to the pain that pierced his shoulder.

Maybe it was to remind him that there was as much pain as joy in human life?

* * *

_Joy, beautiful spark of the gods - Friedrich Schiller & Ludwig van Beethoven, "Ode to Joy"_


	18. Chapter 18

**18.**   
_**(soul and light can always see the meeting of true love)** _

* * *

Josh was assigned a room at the ground floor; he was also given the crutches so that he could take necessary walks to the toilet until his ankle healed. As a smart cookie, he didn't feel especially disadvantaged by his fate if only he could satisfy his most urgent needs. He was being brought food and ice several times per day, he had enough painkillers, and not even a day happened that someone wouldn't visit him.

The only bitterness in that idyll - if recovering from an ankle sprain could be called an idyll - was Alain's absence. On Sunday, Alain came to tell him he was leaving Idealo for a few days. Apparently, his mother had some business with him, for which Alain was indispensable to her - some papers, offices, and God only knew what else. Alain planned to be back on Friday, to make it in time for the fourth-years' graduation ceremony on Saturday. Josh didn't show how much this information pained him; after all, it was to be his last week with Alain... But what could he help?

On Monday, he was visited by, of all people, Robert Jade, who returned the last 'manuals', that Josh slid under his pillow. He didn't stay long. To tell the truth, apart from first two, their meetings had been limited to exchanging the books; Josh had been too busy with Alain and studying, and not in mood for hearing more about Alain from Jade. Moreover, he wasn't in mood for listening to Jade's stories, even richer in details, about his intimate life with Georges Saphir. He'd had the impression that Jade had been bragging, which had been too much for him.

Okay, Jade had said nothing about what they'd been doing with Georges at all, but it'd been with a very content and suggestive expression on his face that he'd returned the books. Josh had felt like declaring he was going to lose his virginity much earlier Jade had - eighteen years old! - but, since he'd had no particular chances for it, he'd preferred not to make a fool of himself and remained silent, although he'd felt like a loser.

The next day, he was visited by Erwin, whom he had sent a message through Jade: that he was bedridden and in an urgent need of his company. Erwin came as soon as during a lunch hour, which was very convenient for Josh. He presented his friend with the picture and a command to get it to the art professor as quickly as possible, then come back and tell how it was. Erwin came back and was telling.

"First, I had to swear on my mother's grave that it's really your work," he started.

"But your mother is alive," Josh noticed, and not without reason.

"Then, you should've given me a letter of recommendation," Erwin retorted. "Because after I set forth the problem, professor asked, 'Who were you, again?'"

"Well, if I'm correct, you attended the art lessons quite randomly, hmm?"

"I preferred to spend that time on... different arts," Erwin replied, blushing slightly.

"Yeah... Cecile's classes ended that time?" Josh guessed. "But, did it work? What did he say? Is he going to raise my mark?"

"Now, now," Erwin lifted his hands to calm him. "He liked the picture very much. He said, 'What an interesting technique. Usually charcoal made the portrays more violent, but this work is very serene.' And then he asked, 'Who is this young man portrayed?' so I replied, 'Alain Corail, fourth-year from the group B.'"

"Group A," Josh corrected him quietly.

"Anyway, professor said, 'Corail? I don't remember him...' and then continued to compliment the picture, 'This work has a soul. I didn't suspect that Or was that gifted. I thought he inclined toward abstraction...'"

Josh waved his hand. He really didn't care about the genres of art and his own abilities in that matter. "And? Where is it?" he asked.

"Professor kept it."

"What?"

"He said he wants to show it to someone and is going to keep it until the next week. And he said you should really think over your field of study."

Josh fell back on the pillow, resigned and unable to accept what he'd just heard. "Dammit!"

"What?" Erwin was surprised.

"Did you really think I needed that picture for art classes?" Josh scolded him. "It took me two months of begging Alain to let me draw him. This is the price I paid for it," he pointed at his right leg.

Erwin blinked. "You can't have a photo?" he asked finally.

"Very smart of you. I don't have a camera and all... No chance," Josh replied, lowering. "That picture is all I have left of him."

"Hey, hey, I don't like it what you're saying," Erwin declared, frowning.

Josh waved his hand again. "Don't worry about it..."

"You know I'm worrying. Besides, you have yet to tell me what happened in the first place," Erwin noticed.

Josh looked at him and sighed. Then he summarized the Saturday events in the open air. When he finished, Erwin was silent, his brows knitted.

"It seems," he finally spoke, "that you really got... close to each other. For all you say, he isn't a person who opens up to someone just like that. Yet, it seems that with you... Well, he spends time with you, pose you for a portrait and what else..." Josh had wisely left the wreaths unsaid. "Anyway... You still didn't tell him?"

Josh shook his head. "I told you I can't..." he replied. But he couldn't resist the impression he was repeating a pat answer that he had long since stopped believing in. Why it was that he couldn't? Did it really was that he couldn't? He thought he no longer knew the answers. Maybe he was just a coward.

Erwin sighed. "You will do what you consider a right thing. But remember: may you never regret your decision. Well, I have to go," he got up. "We don't have normal lessons any more, we just speak with teachers about this and that and we finish earlier. It's very boring, so you don't miss anything," he comforted him. "We'll see each other at the closing ceremony last week, at the very last!" he said and left.

Josh lay down and stared at the ceiling.

Whenever he thought about last Saturday, it seemed something incredible to him. He still couldn't grasp what had really happened. One moment he'd been happy, joyful and content... and the next volte-face. Even as a smart guy he had difficulties with comprehending that. Those few hours upon the meadow had been like a dream. Only he and Alain, hot, sunny day, high grass and flowers... He could look at Alain and enjoy his presence... They'd felt good, hadn't they? Alain had been relaxed, and he'd been there only for him. And they'd talked. Who knows what would have happened later... if Josh hadn't spoiled everything with his clumsiness.

Still... now that he thought about it... out of that pain, dejection and self-contempt, he could pick up a single feeling of... happiness. He didn't remember much about what had happened between his unfortunate tumble and arriving of the ambulance - the memories were blurred by pain and very incomplete - but he had the impression of something warm and soft; the impression that, paradoxically, he'd been feeling good. It was like he'd told Alain: he was happy that Alain had been there, with him, right by him... caring for him. He'd stayed by his side and tried to help. Josh had the vague feeling that in those few moments they'd been connected by something bigger and deeper than the relationship they shared normally. He had no recollection of the things they'd been speaking of or what Alain had been doing, but he was left with a sensation of some... cosiness... as if Alain had been holding him in his arms. Security. Care. Tenderness. It was what he'd always longed for.

And later, when they'd been talking in the hospital... Alain clearly troubled, worried... nearly thrown off balance. Josh had had to assure him that it wasn't his fault; because it was in no aspect. He remembered what Alain had once told him, earlier that spring, when they had been talking about happiness. That, for him, happiness meant to never lose a person dear to him.

He blinked.

Could he actually believe that he had become someone special to Alain? Someone dear? It was true that Alain spent with him more time than with anyone else. If he hadn't liked his company, it would have been out of question. Maybe they didn't talk a lot - for Josh feared Alain didn't like it - but sometimes Alain would share with Josh what was in his heart, just like that time on the meadow. It was as if he trusted him.

He tried to remember how things had looked two months ago. Alain - withdrawn, thoughtful, turned inside himself. And he, Josh, who had been trying anything to shell him. He'd been doing anything to make Alain look at him - and see him. It seemed those two months were a success on his part. Sure, Alain still used to muse every now and then, but Josh no longer had the impression that he was a stranger to him.

Could he call it a friendship?

Or was it something more? As far as his feelings were concerned, Josh loved Alain everyday more. He loved Alain's gravity, shyness and reserve. He loved Alain's peculiar maturity, smiles and moments when he relaxed, too. He loved all those traits that made it hard to get close to Alain, as well as those that made it worth trying. Alain could not be aware of his own worth, but for Josh he was the greatest man under the sun, with his faults and virtues. Josh believed he had seen and accepted all of them. And he wished - he wished so much - Alain were happy with them.

Still, all that was only his fancies and dreams, while the facts were hard. In a few days, Alain was going to graduate and he would likely disappear from Josh's life. When looking through the last events, Josh started to hope he was an important person to Alain - someone Alain wouldn't forget - but it was just a hope, not certainty. Then, if there was a chance they would continue being friends - for next weeks, months and years - should Josh ruin it, confessing that his feelings for Alain weren't those of only a friend? The reason kept telling him it was better to postpone such confessions for future.

To be honest, there were times - especially recently - when it seemed to Josh that... Alain would have nothing against... would let Josh do anything to him. (Yes, exactly this order.) Those times, he appeared to look at Josh as if there was nothing else in the world. Josh was almost sure that, if Alain felt uncomfortable, he would push him away... give him to understand, this way or another, he didn't like it - yet it wasn't the case. However, Josh kept wondering whether it was reality or simply his overactive imagination.

But still, _still_ , he didn't know what he should do. And it annoyed him, for he wasn't consistent. On one hand, he wanted someone to help him with this dilemma so that he didn't have to make all decisions himself. Like he had told Alain: once people got used to the fact you managed by yourself, you were left with your problems alone. On the other hand... _Erwin_ had been trying to support him and point at possible solutions - but Josh was foolish and insisted on not doing how Erwin suggested. Finally, his anger resulted from one more thing: that he had been whining all the time instead of doing something.

Joshua Or wasn't a type who whined. He considered himself a person who acts.

Why, oh why, it had to be so complicated? Sometimes he desperately wished he didn't have to consider everything, analyse every moment, every thought, every sensation - and every act. He wished he could be spontaneous... But such wishes were a daydream, for he couldn't simply turn off his mind and start doing thing on the spur of the moment, just like he couldn't stop breathing. He couldn't even imagine something like this.

Then, he was doomed to such tortures.

Somewhere in all that was a disturbing thought that he excluded Alain from making a decision. It was as if _he_ had decided on, planned and controlled everything. And this way he had undermined himself, for Alain's decision would eventually come, whether he liked it or not, and everything actually depended on it. It was probably why he delayed it as much as he could.

He didn't believe that Alain's decision would be good for him.

He didn't trust Alain.

He covered his face with one arm.

He wished... He really wished he could trust him! But wishing wasn't enough, and what he felt deep inside him... was independent on his will. He had no control over it. Consciously, he was running towards Alain; unconsciously, he was... retreating? Could it be that the fear of being rejected again was stronger than love he acknowledged? Could it be that he believed that... it simply wouldn't work? And it was what was driving his... actions? Driving his life?

He felt like tearing his hair out.

The situation didn't get any better when he realized he would spend next few days on thinking about it.

* * *

On Friday, the doctor decided that swelling had receded and the injury was healing well. The brace was removed, and Josh was allowed to lightly bear weight on the foot, which meant he could return to his room. The pain was almost gone. The first thing Josh did was taking a shower; after a week of superficial washing, he was under the impression he was stinking. Maybe it wasn't that bad that Alain couldn't see him like this... Now Josh could meet him fresh, clean and smelling nice.

Alain visited him in the evening; he had just returned, he was tired and was going to go to bed. Josh swallowed down the feeling of disappointment and decided he appreciated that Alain dropped by in the first place. After that, he couldn't fall asleep for a long time, knowing it was the last night before the... great unknown. Knowing it could be the last night he could still say he was with Alain. He was afraid that tomorrow's night was going to be the first marked by the feeling he was alone again.

* * *

Saturday dawned sunny and joyful, very fitting for the graduation ceremony. It seemed that all chairs that were in school were put on the front yard in order to seat the students of first three years, the heroes of the day and the guests, mostly family members. Taking his seat, Josh could see touched mothers and fathers who had arrived to see their children being given the diplomas they could enter the adulthood with. He pushed away the thought that, when his turn arrived in two years, no-one would be applauding him or telling him they were proud of him... Such thoughts were pointless, and his mood was already pretty bad.

The ceremony started at eleven o'clock sharp and lasted over two hours. It included remarks of the headmaster, homeroom teachers, school priest, student council president and the representative of parents. Even Count Argent appeared; he was apparently a good friend of the headmaster, and his son attended the school, being in Jade's and Saphir's class. Josh wasn't focusing that much on the speeches; he couldn't wait for the main part, which was the certificate handing - and his feelings on that matter were definitely bitter-sweet. It was why he'd come here: to see Alain receiving his diploma - and, maybe, to witness that Alain's link with this place disappeared.

He must have been a masochist.

In due time, the graduates approached the headmaster, called by his deputy. White sheet of a certificate, handshake, congratulations. Smiles. Emotions. Thanks. The school orchestra was playing in the background, the strings singing the summer praises. Alain's turn came quickly. Following his slightly hunched figure, Josh couldn't hold back a smile of affection. He supposed he was the only person who had come here for Alain - the only person who could be proud of him and rejoice over his success. His heart was pounding as the emotions filled him again.

On his part, Alain didn't look as if he was particularly bursting with pride due to graduating; rather, he seemed confused and surprised to be here. So like him. For once, he had his bow tied. He received his diploma, mutely heard congratulations and returned to his seat, never looking at anyone. (Josh had hoped Alain would at least glance at him - but Alain probably didn't know where he should look for him, in the first place.) Someone might regard his behaviour as disrespectful, but Josh knew better: Alain probably wasn't comfortable during such a ceremony, even if it was being held in his honour. In contrast, the student council president, who appeared soon after, apparently considered himself to be the biggest star here and used the opportunity to have an extra speech, according to which - at least, in Josh's ears - his graduating was a great loss for the school. Self-conceited git. As far as he was concerned, Josh hoped he wouldn't never have to look at his face again.

He was observing Alain and his classmates; he'd had no occasion to do it before. It seemed there really wasn't a person Alain could speak with. It was just like Erwin had once suggested: he was repeating a year, so his friends had probably vanished from sight, and he hadn't made any with the new group. On the other hand, he had been so preoccupied with what was preoccupying him that he might have not lack his peers. During last two moths, Josh had been doing everything to compensate for them.

Or maybe Alain didn't need any closer relationship from the start? Josh hadn't thought about it until now. He himself was surrounded with people for whom love seemed the very essence of life: Erwin and Cecile, Georges Saphir and Robert Jade... And he was like this, too. Still, maybe there were people who didn't feel like that? They made do with someone being near, but had no expectations of them. They managed well by themselves, never reflecting on themselves or others. They just went with the flow of life.

However, even if such people existed, something inside Josh - maybe his despair desire - refused to consider Alain Corail one of them.

The ceremony was drawing to an end. The choir performed the school anthem, the headmaster invited the graduates to the dinner, and people started to disperse. Josh wanted to run up to Alain and congratulate him, but something kept him in spot; he explained himself it would be unwise to barge through the crowd when he was still recovering from the sprained ankle and had started walking only yesterday. Still, he knew it wasn't it... He simply had no courage to appear before Alain and hear, 'So... See ya. It was nice, but now nothing keeps me here any more.'

"Why the long face?" came from behind him, and the next moment Erwin patted him on the shoulder.

He turned back, trying to smile. Erwin took the next chair. "I thought you were absent," Josh said. "I didn't see you anywhere."

"I was in Cecile's school," Erwin said in a low voice. "I got here in the middle of ceremony. Haven't I told you?"

Indeed, Erwin had mentioned he was going to see Cecile today; it had slipped Josh's mind. Suddenly, he realized what he hadn't thought of before: that both of them had older partners. Well, in his case it was rather 'object of feelings', not a partnership...

"Hey, you're awfully thoughtful today," Erwin looked him in the eye, frowning.

Josh shook his head, but he couldn't muster up his normal enthusiasm. "It just..." he started and stopped, unsure what he wanted to say. "I feel... sad, Erwin," he said sincerely.

"Well, it is supposed to be a happy day," Erwin pointed. "But I know what you mean. You never liked changes."

"Really?" Josh was surprised.

Erwin nodded. "You cope with them well, but it doesn't mean you like them."

"Maybe you're right. I don't like it when people disappear from my sight," Josh admitted.

"And this is yet another thing you can't do anything about," Erwin supplied wisely.

Josh lowered his eyes. "I don't like it that there are things I can't do anything about," he said quietly.

"That's why you always try to control everything. Although, of course, it's impossible."

Josh smiled. "You know me better than I know myself."

"Oh, I truly doubt it," Erwin replied, although he looked content. "How-"

"How's Cecile?" Josh interrupted him because he didn't want to have that conversation with Erwin's being so perceptive.

"Always flourishing," Erwin beamed. "She's going to show me her diploma. And I'm invited to dinner. I'm going there soon."

"Say hello to everyone," Josh said mechanically.

"I will. How is your leg?" Erwin asked. "I see you're walking already."

"For now, you see I'm sitting," Josh retorted. "Much better. It hurts from time to time, but I have the painkillers. I bet I'll show up at school next week."

"Take care," Erwin said, concerned, and then he hesitated. It seemed he wanted to say more - and Josh thought he knew what - but, in the end, he shook his hand and rose. He put one hand on Josh's shoulder to comfort him. "See you on Monday," he said and then was gone.

There was hardly anyone on the place. Here and there stood groups of parents using the opportunity to talk about their sons' achievements. The school orchestra was collecting their instruments. The first-years started to carry the chairs back.

Josh crawled along for lunch, but he rather picked at it than actually ate. Usually, he couldn't complain at the lack of appetite, but today he had the impression the food was tasteless. In the end, he left the meal half-eaten on a plate and headed for his room. The bell struck three, and Josh wondered what should he do in order for that day to end already.

When crossing the hall, he felt like the most miserable and lonely man in the world. He had an urge to run away, hide somewhere and never leave out. He thought he wouldn't bear it any more.

"Joshua...?"

He lifted his head, sure that he was hearing things. That his tormented mind was playing tricks on him and evoking the most beloved voice. He turned around, certain that he was going to see an empty room.

But Alain was there. In the doorway. In his white shirt. Without a bow. Bathed in sunlight. Wearing a shy expression. Josh's heart was racing, which made that pain in his chest even stronger.

"Alain..."

"How's... your leg?" Alain asked, not moving from his spot.

Josh came up to him. "Better. I can walk a bit," he replied.

Alain nodded and brushed his hair aside. "Do you think you'll be able to... walk to the city? We could go... for a cheesecake," Alain offered hesitantly.

Josh stared at him. For some reason, even the vision of having cheesecake with Alain couldn't make him happy today. He was sure he wouldn't swallow even one bit...

"For a cheesecake, I'll go even without a leg," he replied, trying to smile. Alain blinked and smiled back. "But we're going to walk slowly," Josh added.

Alain nodded again. Even if Josh's lack of enthusiasm seemed strange to him, he didn't commented it.

They walked in silence. Alain didn't use to talk, while Josh felt he couldn't summon up any cheerful thought. And he didn't want to spread his sadness, especially that it was Alain's happy day. To tell the truth, Alain didn't appear particularly happy, but he rarely showed his emotions, so it was hard to tell. Even if one was Joshua Or, which seemed meaningless anyway.

 _Shelly_ was so crowded that they had difficulties with finding free seats. The atmosphere didn't predispose to an intimate talk, so they didn't spoke here either - and today the silence between them was heavy, or so it seemed to Josh. To make matters worse, his favourite cheesecake had been sold out, and he had to settle for the chocolate one, which wasn't the same at all. On the other hand... If his final memory of Alain were to be connected to their visit in the patisserie, it was better this way. Otherwise, there was a chance he would come to hate his favourite food.

Alain was sipping his coffee, and Josh was picking at his cake with a fork. He couldn't really feel its taste. From each side, he was being attacked by the liveliness, laughter, fragments of conversations on certificates, holiday, plans... Young people - students of the urban schools, although he spotted some familiar faces from Saint Grollo, too - were in radically different mood than he, who was under the impression he would never be able to smile again. He couldn't look Alain in the eye; he wished he could hide behind his fringe and then disappear completely.

Let it be over already.

Time, however, dragged mercilessly, every minute stretched into eternity, and he didn't know any more whether he wanted to delay or advance the time of farewell. He hated it: that uncertainty and feeling that he was unable to make a choice. He was pathetic.

They spent half an hour there, and then they left, still in silence.

"I thought we... could celebrate a bit," Alain suddenly spoke as they were walking down the street.

"Great idea," Josh replied in an emotionless voice, not really knowing what Alain meant.

"Let's go to a park," Alain went on, stopping in front of some shop. "Wait, I'll do the shopping."

Josh stared blankly at the shop window: bottles, bottles and bottles. Well... why not? Celebrating involved alcohol, didn't it? Maybe he should be alarmed, but he didn't really care about it, not in the mood he was in. Suddenly, he remembered something, and it took him a while to calm down his heart, racing again, as if it was coming back to life.

_Erwin, let's see if you were right._

* * *

_Jon and Vangelis, "Friends of Mr. Cairo"_


	19. Chapter 19

**19.**   
_**(yami o kogasu kagaribi)** _

* * *

Before long, Alain emerged from the shop, the content of his bag clattering, and they resumed walking. When Josh started to feel pain in his right foot, they were already there: in the small park located between the school and the city centre, where the highschoolers of Saint Grollo used to spend their free time when they were sick of the campus, and others when looking for a secluded location. It was much cosier place than the main town park with its benches, flower beds and well-kept decorative bushes. Here, only the grass and trees were growing, and one could think they were actually in a grove, not in the city. No surprise this spot was so popular; it was easy to associate oneself with nature here. Today as well, there was a lot of young people in the park, but it didn't disturb the peace, mostly because they were couples, having eyes only for their beloved and not paying attention to the surroundings, boys and girls who were sitting closer it could be regarded proper... But today, at the beginning of summer holiday, there was hardly anyone who bothered themselves with the proprieties.

Alain stepped on the grass and headed for a branchy acacia, and Josh followed him. They sat down under the tree, Josh relieved at the possibility to rest. He shouldn't overstrain the foot right after having the dressing removed... Although, he realized after a moment, he didn't care much about it. How could he worry about a sprained ankle if he felt he wouldn't be really alive starting tomorrow...?

He felt his eyes stinging and wiped them with the sleeve.

"What's wrong?" Alain asked quietly. "You're not... yourself today."

Josh had no courage to look at him. "I... don't like changes," he said, looking ahead. "Erwin said it today, and I think... he was right."

"You're not happy with your holiday?" Alain's voice wasn't as surprised as it could have been, which suited Josh well. He wouldn't have Alain criticise him... Not today.

"I didn't think about it yet," he replied truthfully.

"Hmm... As for me, I'm glad the school is over," Alain said.

'Is that so,' Josh thought, feeling as if the pain in his chest wasn't going to ever leave. "How's your certificate?" he asked automatically.

"Well, better than the last one," Alain answered ironically.

With some difficulties, he pulled his diploma out of his hip pocket and passed it to Josh, folded in four. Obviously, he didn't attach weigh to such an important document... Josh unfolded the paper and looked through the marks. It didn't look that bad. Most of them were pretty good, the general sciences slightly better than the humanities, and the highest possible mark in mathematics. He wasn't amazed at all.

"Congratulations," he said, returning the paper to Alain. He still couldn't look at him, and instead focused on his big hands when Alain took the document from him. "What are you going to do now?" he went on, only to say something. "You said you would wait for the certificate and think later..."

Alain shrugged. "Frankly... I'm not going to think about it now."

Impossible man. "Then, what are you going to think about now?" Josh asked, raising his head.

Alain gave him that penetrating look that used to surprise Josh sometimes. Then, however, he lowered his eyes. "My mother wants me to move to Exato... She moved there herself, recently."

Oh.

"This is why... you visited there?"

Alain nodded hesitantly.

"Is it... far from here?" Josh inquired.

"Three hours by train."

Not that far... but not that close either. Josh hadn't expected... Although maybe he should have.

"You're coming from there?" he asked to keep the conversation going.

"No... But it's my mother's home town. And, supposedly, my father's," Alain said and fell silent. "You... don't remember your parents, do you?" he asked after a while, looking at Josh shyly. "I never knew my real father. Don't even know if he was married to my mother... Anyway, that man died, and my mother claimed a legacy. For me.

Josh didn't say anything. To him, all that sounded abstract. Except for one... "Legacy? Some... house or something?" he asked.

Alain nodded. "That's why she wants me to move there."

Josh swallowed. It made sense. "And what... do you think of it?"

Alain shrugged. "Don't know... But since I graduated..."

"Nothing keeps you here," Josh finished in a whisper, averting his eyes again.

Alain said nothing, and they sat in silence for a moment. Why did it hurt so much? Why his dreams were doomed to failure? Nine of ten scenarios had them apart. At least half of them resulted from Josh... but the rest? Could it be that the life was proving to him that someone like him had no chance for happiness? That only 'normal' guys had a right to love and be loved?

He lowered his head. "I..." he started quietly, "I'm very glad... we met. I hope... you'll be happy, wherever you are." He couldn't say any more; his throat was clenching too much. He felt he would burst in tears any moment. He focused on the blades of grass and the dark soil between them. He felt like curling up, burying his face in his knees and never, ever, showing it to anyone.

He was pathetic.

"Joshua..."

He squeezed his eyelids shut - and then opened them again. He had no right to ruin Alain's mood, regardless of how bad his own was. He turned to him and tried to smile. "I wish we could be friends for a longer while," he said. "I really enjoyed our time together."

"Did you?"

Alain's naivety was disarming, especially that there was no hypocrisy in his voice, and Josh's smile became a bit more natural. "Of course," he replied, nodding. Of course he did. "You're... okay. You helped me with my study and accompanied me to the patisserie... And you visited me when I was sick. I couldn't count on anyone else. Erwin only has eyes for Cecile... Not that I blame him." He lowered his head again, aware that Alain was observing him closely.

"You said... you don't like changes?" the former fourth-year asked.

"But I get used to them quickly," Josh rushed to assure him, although he didn't know it for sure. "At least, that's what Erwin said, and I think he's right."

"You always do?"

Josh wondered. Alain was extremely inquisitive today... Well, maybe he shouldn't hold it against him. "I think it depends on the change itself," he answered in the end. "Some are easier to accept than others."

"For example?"

"You're asking difficult questions."

"I didn't want..." Alain was perplexed.

"It's all right," Josh calmed him. "For example... For example when someone dear disappears from my life," he couldn't refrain from saying it.

Alain looked him in the eye. 'Ask about it,' Josh was praying in his mind, 'ask.' But Alain, obviously, remained immune to the telepathy, for he looked away.

"Are we..." Josh started hesitantly, "are we going to stay in touch after you leave here?" Maybe such question put Alain in the spot, even though it was the most natural question in the world, but he had to ask it. "I could call you sometimes... And maybe you could find time to visit Idealo?" he went on. "To have some cheesecake," he added. He tried to smile, but he was to overwhelmed. If he had to choose from the two: not seeing Alain at all or meeting him once in half a year... Despite the utter hopelessness, he would choose the latter. But the very moment he spoke those words, he felt how unreal they were. "No, it's stupid," he said.

"Aha," Alain replied, the tone of his voice inscrutable.

Josh sensed a headache was coming. He couldn't carry on that conversation. He didn't know what he should say and what he shouldn't. Everything seemed so senseless. Alain was going to leave. And he probably would never return to Idealo. There was no reason that he returned.

"I'm sorry. We were supposed to... celebrate," he said. "Though, I'm not in a mood... Let's talk about something else, can we? How are you feeling?" he tried to come up with something. "You said you're happy you graduated..."

"Yeah. But, on the other hand... I have an empty feeling. Something has ended. I don't know what to do next," Alain replied.

"Well, we've been studying all the time, during last weeks, haven't we? Maybe it's the reason?" Josh suggested. "But now you have time to do what you really like."

"And that is?"

"Why ask me? You surely have some hobbies." Although, judging from the short time they've been knowing each other, Alain didn't. Once Josh had tried to question him about them and had been answered by the long silence.

Just like now. But he didn't feel like disturbing it. Only a little while ago, the silence had felt heavy, unnatural, but now it seemed to him that had managed to calm down. If it was even possible.

As the time passed by, more and more people started to vanish from the park. Josh remembered today was the beginning of the artistic summer in Idealo. A show at the main market, as well as a performance of some street theatre, were to be held. Apparently, teenagers went to look. A sound of bell striking six o'clock came from afar.

Alain seemed to having remembered the shopping and reached inside the bag. He took out one bottle and gave it to Josh, who glanced at the label. The name said nothing to him.

"Are we going to drink alcohol in broad daylight, in a public place?" he asked, trying to sound ironic.

"Come on. It's just a weak apple wine. Have you ever drunk it?"

"No," Josh shook his head.

"Then have a try. It's not a poison. Besides, you're sixteen already, aren't you? And it's almost evening," Alain pointed, and he was right.

He handed Josh an opened bottle and got to his own. Josh gave it a cautious sniff; the smell was interesting. Alain raised his bottle to him and then took a drink.

Josh followed his example. The taste surprised him: sweat and sour at the same time. It didn't smack of alcohol at all. The drink was definitely better than the wine they were served during Sunday's dinner in the dorms. He took another sip. To tell the truth, he'd always wanted to feel like a delinquent, even for once.

It was a poor celebrating, he thought after a while, when they were sitting and drinking from their bottles in silence. For his last evening with Alain, it was very dull. He should get up and go already... but he didn't want. It was all the same to him.

"In fact, I liked it here," Alain spoke unexpectedly, and something in his voice made Josh look at him in astonishment. "I think I'll be missing the school a bit."

Josh blinked. Alain rarely talked so directly, especially about himself. Maybe Erwin was right that alcohol inhibited people? But just like this? After few sips? He himself...

He himself felt little dizzy. For a moment, he had trouble focusing his gaze. And he was hot, all of the sudden. Apparently, the drink had its effect - and after a few sips, too.

"I had the impression you didn't have many friend here," he said. "I bet they graduated last year?"

"Maybe... But... I've never been that social," Alain corrected him. "I had some pals... outside the school."

"But you no longer associate yourself with them?" Josh guessed. "It happens."

"I think that... I liked those last months," Alain said suddenly.

Josh felt his heart sped up, although it could result from the consumption, too. "You mean... our friendship?" he asked.

Alain nodded. "Even that studying wasn't a bad thing," he added.

"It wasn't," Josh agreed.

He felt somewhat lighter at heart. He pushed away the thought that, if one nice word from Alain could improve his foul mood that had been tormenting him for a week, then his feelings weren't worth much. It wasn't true.

"I... never spent time like this before," Alain said, not looking at him, "so... I'm glad," he finished awkwardly.

"You're glad we spent time together?" Josh made sure.

"Yeah," Alain confirmed.

"Then, you don't see me as a brat who was hanging around you for no reason?" Josh asked, and his openness amazed himself. But perhaps it was high time that they spoke openly with each other. Perhaps it had been already some weeks ago...

Alain looked at him from under his fringe. "You've once asked about it," he noticed. "And I... I never thought like this," he said. "Quite the contrary, I wondered... why you bothered yourself with _me_."

Josh's heart pounded so hard it ached. At the same time, he realized the pain in his chest, accompanying him since morning, had disappeared.

"I..." he started and didn't finish. "Why should I not bother myself with you? Like I said, you're okay. I think you don't value yourself as much as you should," he added. "I'm glad you had nothing against being pals with me."

"Why should I have anything against it?" Alain asked in a similar voice, frowning.

"Because... I'm a brat and..." Josh shrugged. "Nothing special."

"I think you're... smart," Alain said hesitantly, still looking away, "and... there's something about you," he waved his hand in a pretty vague manner. "You're making an impression."

Josh stared at him. It was almost exactly Erwin's words. Could Erwin be right even with that Josh was intimidating Alain? But it wasn't something he could ask about, was it? "But... I..." he uttered. Damn it, he didn't know how he should respond. "I just... try to be myself."

"You're full of life," Alain supplied. "Only last time you were... down."

Josh thought that Alain's perceptiveness would never stop surprising him. He nodded slowly. He wanted to say it was because of his sprained ankle... But why should he tell lies? "On the other hand, you... were less thoughtful last time," he returned. "That time, in April, it felt as if you were in another world all the time."

"So much?" Alain marvelled, and Josh nodded. "Well, I was thinking of all that. What happened in winter. And earlier. Of Grace, Robert and Georges..."

"So this is what gnawed at you..."

"You know... sometimes when I start to think, I can't really stop," Alain confessed with a disarming honesty.

"Well, it's healthy," Josh said ironically.

"No, I mean... I often don't think of what I'm doing."

"And then you look retrospectively and think twice as much?" Josh guessed, recalling his talk with Erwin. Well, it made sense.

"How do you know?"

"Some people are like this," Josh replied. "You want to say that during half a year you've been reliving what happened... three years ago?"

Alain stared at him for a while. "You may say it..."

"Then, when are you going to think about what's happening now?" Josh couldn't hide his amazement.

Alain smiled shyly. "Maybe... in three years."

"You're incredible."

It seemed Erwin was a better observer than he - and Josh surely would've felt offended in any other situation. Now, with his heart racing, he was realizing that Alain might have not give a damn about all proprieties, rules and principles and never spare a single thought on them, for he simply took all life threw his way and never agonized over it.

He wished he could, too.

"It means... you move headlong, make decisions and view them afterwards?" he wanted to qualify.

"Only after everything is over you can tell whether it was good or bad," Alain answered, and Josh thought it was the wisest thing he'd ever heard.

He leaned back and stared at the sky, trying to mull Alain's words over. Alain did have a point, but...

"But, on the other hand, I finally realized I had acted like a git," came from Alain. "For two or three years I blamed all people around me, yet I couldn't see my own part in it. I didn't want to accept it that Robert suffered, too. No, I thought it was right that he suffered. And then I even involved Georges and almost brought about another disaster... So, maybe I should have thought beforehand, after all?"

Josh remained silent. It seemed Alain could draw conclusions on his own.

"But Georges is with Robert. And they're happy," he said eventually. "Everything turned out well, so you can't blame yourself."

Alain stared at him. "How come you know about Robert and Georges?" he asked after a while, as if he'd just realized something.

"Oh, come on! It's obvious," Josh replied. "I couldn't possibly not realize it. Some consider me smart," he added.

Alain gave him an enigmatic look and took another sip.

Josh felt hot. The way Alain had been looking at him just a moment ago... It made all his affection was back again, all those feelings that had been staying in the background for last few days, pushed away by his problems. Now, unbelievable - thanks to alcohol, probably - he felt just like he'd felt before he'd ever started to think about parting with Alain. Now, even if he tried, he couldn't remember that sorrow, loneliness, regret... Now he felt... good. The thought that Alain could leave - he had been sure of it only a little ago - had been suppressed and seemed... foolish. They were sitting here, talking, looking at each other... Everything was like earlier. And Josh didn't want anything more than move closer to Alain and give him to understand how much he desired him.

"Joshua..." Alain turned to him, and there was that uncertainty in his voice, but he didn't avert his eyes.

"Mhm?"

Alain frowned. Josh waited.

"I think I... heard that... that you..."

Ring ring.

Alain blinked - and Josh did too. Only after a second he realized it was Alain's cell phone ringing; he was too preoccupied with what Alain was saying... was going to say... Did he want to ask about _it_? Josh felt his heart pounding. How should he reply? Should he tell the truth? 'Yes, it's true. I'm a gay.' And maybe add, 'You didn't know?'

Alain took his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the display.

"I think... you should answer," Josh suggested when the phone was still ringing.

"It's my mother," Alain said, not very happy with the fact.

"All the more reason why you should answer," Josh repeated in a low voice.

Alain, frowning, pushed a button and put the phone to his ear. "It's me. I was busy. Come on. Could it really not wait? Yes. Yes... Aha... Thanks..."

He cast a glance that could be interpreted as apologetic at Josh, got up and walked away a little. Josh was observing his tall figure with a sudden feeling of loss. And daze. Would Alain resume the topic once he was done talking with his mother? Would Josh be able to _tell_ him? Maybe it was a chance for him to follow his heart and confess to Alain his feelings, as well as his desires?

However, it seemed that the talk wasn't going to end anytime soon... Alain was slowly walking to and fro, his back straight, almost bristled, his pose militant. Apparently, he didn't want to have that conversation - but he had. Josh could imagine his knitted brows, his voice growing impatient...

He leaned back against the trunk and closed his eyes. The distance was too great for him to hear Alain. He could hear chirping of birds, buzzing of bees... Noise of the cars from afar... Humming in his ears... Suddenly he felt tired. Maybe after that wine, or what it was. He hadn't got enough sleep last night... He wanted to stay like this, sitting in the warmth of the sun... eyes closed... He felt relaxed... He felt... good...

* * *

When he woke up, the sky was getting dark, and the street lamps had been lit. He must have slept... at least two hours! Alain was sitting next to him and looking at him with some twinkle in his eyes.

"I thought about carrying you to bed already," he said, laughing.

"You should have. I'd have nothing against it," Josh mumbled.

"Really?"

Josh stirred. What had he just said? He shook his head. "I'm still... sleeping, I bet. Why didn't you waked me?" he asked, wiping his face.

"You must've been tired," Alain replied. "And you looked... cute."

What? He must have been asleep indeed if he was hearing such thing from Alain. "Cute? Erwin always says it," he muttered. "Was I talking in my sleep?"

Alain shook his head. "No. But you were drooling."

What? Horrible. He quickly wiped his mouth. Alain laughed. Josh smacked him lightly on the shoulder. Alain laughed louder, dodging the blows. And next thing Josh knew he was lying on Alain, and Alain was giving him a very conscious look. But it was such a positive consciousness. Openness. Invitation...? The light of a street lamp was flickering on his face. Never before had he been so present. Focusing on Josh one hundred percent. And completely relaxed below him.

"When I was sick, you came to visit me, remember? I was sure... it was just a dream. Or fever-induced delirium," Josh said quietly, mustering all his strength in order to not lean over and kiss Alain, whose mouth was so close. He could sense Alain's warm body and hard muscles below. He could see the pulsating artery on his neck, as well as a shadow of his clavicle. He had all this within his grasp.

Boom. The fireworks exploded over their head.

Josh stirred and got up. He swallowed. It was only in books that such situations worked out fine: he would kiss Alain, and Alain would kiss him back. How many times had he imagined it? In real life, however, he would be slapped in the face, in the best case. He shook his head, feeling a headache coming back. Alain sat up, saying nothing.

"Let's go back," Josh proposed quietly.

Alain simply sat there, in silence, but then he nodded and rose. Without a word, they headed for the campus. But, for some reason, the mood wasn't heavy between them. Quite the contrary, Josh felt light at heart. He felt that, whatever was about to come, he would welcome it with his head up. He was happy that Alain was walking next to him, even if it were to be their last walk together.

Fireworks were illuminating the sky above as they walked through the gate. The caretaker must have been staring at the spectacle, too, and apparently had forgotten to turn on the lights, for the main alley was engulfed in darkness.

"Take me by the arm," Alain said quietly, and Josh looked at him in astonishment, but couldn't see his face. "It will not do if you trip up with that sprained ankle of yours."

For a while, Josh stood in silence, and then, trying to overcome the trembling of his hand, slid it under Alain's elbow. Slowly, they made their way towards the main building. Josh couldn't refrain from pressing himself to Alain. Just this once... Here, in the dark, where no-one could see them, where Alain couldn't see him... This one clutch... He closed his eyes. He could trust him when walking. Twenty... thirty metres. The only walk in his life that he could imagine... they were together. Like a real couple.

Smell of the lime trees, mixed with the scent of the evening flowers, was intoxicating. The crickets chirped in the grass, filling the air with that particular music that made anyone think of summer. Croak of the frogs carried from the pond. Josh could believe they were the only people on Earth... under the sky that would be lit up by stars any moment, surrounded by nature... He told himself that in that short moment when he could touch the eternity, he was truly happy.

They entered the circle of light being created by the lamp hung by the entrance, and Josh moved away from Alain, but was still holding on to him. He couldn't let go of him. Once he let go, everything would end...

They went inside. A third-year having a duty by the reception desk didn't appear very pleased. Undoubtedly, he would rather spend the evening in the city, maybe with some girl. Or, at least, observe the fireworks from his window. Having fun and not working.

"Is it the proper time for coming back to the dorms?" he asked, apparently trying to vent his frustration, and Alain with Josh must have been looking as people who had more fun than him.

"Come on," Alain said soothingly. "It's Saturday night."

"You," the third-year pointed at him, "took the wrong way."

"I'm escorting Joshua. He has a sprained ankle," Alain explained in a manner as if everyone knew about it.

"Well, true..." the third-year was taken aback.

"Today is the first day he left the bed," Alain went on politely, "and he strained his foot a bit, so I'm helping him."

Josh gave him quite a shocked look. When with him, Alain had never been so smooth with words... Now, he couldn't resist the impression it was completely new Alain Corail.

"You have no lift here, so I'm taking him to his room," Alain supplied with a slight reproach and turned to the stairs.

The third-year was so surprised he could only stare. "You... you don't have a lift either!" he finally called to Alain's back. "You had better not do it again!"

Alain waved his had in a vague way. "But I've already graduated," he replied.

Josh thought that even those words didn't seem so heavy any more. He still felt light and wondered whether it as due to the wine... But he had drunk only half a bottle... and it was long ago.

As they climbed the stairs, Josh tried to free his hand. "I can walk by myself," he said quietly, but Alain was holding him tight.

His heart didn't want to calm down.

Stair by stair. Josh was walking slowly in order to not overstrain his foot. And he wanted to remember every detail of that scene - his last memory of Alain. The carpet pattern, the creaking of the floor, the dark wood of the railing... The lamps in the ceiling. It would help him remember the most wonderful time of his life when Alain was long since gone and when Alain himself didn't remember it at all.

He took a deep breath, inhaling Alain's smell that he could already tell apart, even if now it was mixing with the dust, warm air and flowers standing in the corner of the corridor... Sometimes Alain smelled of alcohol, sometimes of cigarette... but for the most part he had his own unique scent that belonged only to him. Josh knew he would always recognize it.

Much too soon they arrived at the first floor and stopped at his door. Alain finally let go of him. Josh opened the door and walked inside. He couldn't bring himself to switch on the overhead light, and turned on a desk lamp instead. He looked at Alain, who was standing in the doorway, still, as if he suddenly didn't know what he should do. Josh could only stare at him, wondering whether he had ever loved him more than now...

Eventually, he could no longer look. He sat down on the bed, setting his jaw and trying to stop his hand from shaking. Now, he should say, 'Goodbye,' thank Alain for everything... for so much...

The bed sagged when Alain sat down next to him. Josh stirred and turned his head, but didn't manage to see much, and he didn't manage to say anything at all, for in the next moment Alain's mouth was on his own, and Josh was under the impression the world had exploded. Or become completely perfect.

He parted his lips, tasting Alain, and moaned when Alain touched his face. Josh could feel the trembling fingers on his cheek, but it was all right since he was trembling himself. He felt dizzy, so he squeezed his eyelids shut. Alain's hand slid down onto his neck, and Josh moaned in his mouth again. He cupped Alain's face while Alain moved his fingers down, under the collar of his shirt, on the clavicle...

And suddenly Alain was no longer there. Where his face had been a second ago, Josh's hands were catching the air. He opened his eyes and saw the door shutting slowly. He moaned and fell on the bed, breathing in deeply.

The stars started appearing on the night sky, but they were no match for the light that was filling his mind.

* * *

_Fireworks scorch the darkness - "Nagareboshi", Miwako_


	20. Chapter 20

**20.**   
_**(kaula ja korvanlehdet, olkapäät hiukset huulet muistavat vielä salaisuuden)** _

* * *

That night, Josh got no sleep. He was lying in his bed, and his breathing got faster at every memory of Alain's lips and touch. His mind was spinning, filled with emotions. He was unable to think, for his thought kept breaking off and disappearing, overwhelmed by the physical sensations.

Until morning, he was drifting in state of intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol.

Finally, at dawn, the room could not longer hold him. He slipped outside and entered the world that seemed completely different than only yesterday. Magic. Sleeping. Dreamy. Morning mist was hovering between the buildings and trees; the sunlight was coming from behind the horizon. He could be under the illusion he was the only man on Earth. Twitter of birds resounded with a clear melody. Air was fresh.

A tall figure emerged from the vapour, and Josh made sure he was still sleeping. After all, the dreams came true only in sleep... But yesterday night wasn't a dream. Last night happened what Josh wanted most: Alain gave him to understand he wanted him. Nothing could compare to this. All dark scenarios had vanished, for that most longed-for came true.

Alain came closer. It seemed he hadn't slept a wink, either. His face was haggard, his eyes red-rimmed, and his gaze sober, serious... guilty?

Josh stopped and blinked. Alain was so close, yet he seemed far away, as if last night had torn them apart instead of bringing them together, once and for all.

Alain was only looking at him - and suddenly Josh realized what was happening: the thing he had been dreading all that time, and had stopped for that one night only. Suddenly he was absolutely sure... suddenly he knew it like he knew his name... that Alain was leaving.

He couldn't let him.

The next moment he was next to Alain, standing on tiptoes, reaching for his face and kissing him, as hard as he could, to convey all his affection and desire... Alain's hands clutched on his shoulders, making his injury from a week ago - an eternity ago? - ache, but Josh didn't care about it. He had to stop him... He couldn't lose him... Not now...!

Alain pushed him away, neither roughly nor gently, and looked away, as if he couldn't look him in the eye. Then he shook his head.

"I love you," Josh said, although his throat was clenching.

Something flickered in Alain's green eyes... some pain, shame, regret, apology... so many emotions it was impossible to figure them out...

"I..." he started - and stopped.

Then he let go of Josh, turned back and quickly walked away, to disappear in the mist as if he had never been here.

* * *

_Neck and ears shoulders hair lips still remember the mystery - Laura Närhi, "Tämä on totta"_

* * *

**The End of Part I** _  
_

* * *


End file.
